reirref neb

Pinch and a punch first of the month

2011-06-30T23:03:00.007+01:00

Look at me why don't you

Thought I'd write a quick round up to finish off a rather splendid June. But I needed to drop the kids at the pool on the way here and the gf called and now its the 1st July. Ohh well. Anyway so look at me. Got a new job. It's a bit crooked. I've not updated my LinkedIn profile yet but if you've been following my social media shizzle elsewhere you may have a clue. Maybe not. First person that can guess what I'm up to nowadays will win a years supply of paperclips / a pair of sneakers / a punch in the mouth. Have a wicked July retards. Ohh watch out for the wedding of the year photos after the weekend. Ohh and well done to my bro Andy for having a boy. Must post that card. Not even the slightest mention about missing Le Mans this year. Was great to catch up with old boy Nick and his new kid tho. Must go see my bro's new kid this month. Can't remember either of their names. Moving on. Catch yall l8r - so juvenile - street wize. OMG it is actually still June. Look at me. Living on French time still.

Today I'm Lovin Lings Dummy Form

2011-06-09T14:32:00.012+01:00

A brighter way to make your day.

Ever checked out LINGsCARS.com? Nope? Well you should. Here's just one magnificently flashy, bold, daring, outrageous, blingworthy, colorful, shocking, yukky, glow-in-the-dark reason why you should. Check out Lings dummy / beta / test form. Take it for a test drive dummy. Sunglasses are recommended. This is without question my s*ite of the day. Here it is in it's full technicolour glory.

*silent h

I Love Ice Cream Battles

2011-06-08T10:28:00.004+01:00

Blink and I'll ice you baby.

My old mate digger is going to see Battles in Amsterdam tomorrow night. Wish I could be there. Check this out. Great flashy video. I'll have to make do with the double Gloss Drop 12.

Abstactish Photos of France

2011-06-07T10:47:00.003+01:00

A few randomish photos from les holidays

Bonjour mon amis. Just back from a week getting rained on in the south of France. Lovely trip. Great time was had. Here a few of les random absracticus photos I can share without editorial sign off from le girlfriend. Merci.

Should have gone to crookedtongues.com

2011-05-23T21:48:00.018+01:00

Thanks to my kind friend David Van Win for his less than kind words about my new shoes.

Oops. Last minute decision to buy a new pair of shoes for a special occasion - see above for result. When you need em before 8am next day your online casual sneaker options are limited. And if you live in St Albans your high street options are even more limited. Sure you could jump on a train to the big cheese in just twenty five minutes, but for a pair of sneakers it would be massively cost & carbon inefficient. I was in London on Saturday but I was sort of busy helping out at the Independent Label Market. Vinyl rules.

So today - with budget, the environment and speed in mind I nipped in to St Albans town center [fashion hell zone] in my filthy size? ten cons. First off Orifice to check their limited range, then to Sole to check their range that has not changed for 3 years. Then to the pimp my hoodie and pimp my denim stores - but that was a mistake. No shoe joy to boot. Final desperation resort... TK Maxx. No shame. Desperation called and conquered. Picked up the above tartan Superdry super shoes for a snip at less than £15. Bargain. Got home. Posted a litte photo to celebrate my Scottish heritage homage / tightness on Facebook. Within 5 seconds an old friend with a terrible taste in music called baby face David Van Win pipes-up with "id sooner lose my feet in a car crash..." - THANKS BABY DAVE.

These are the shoes I would have ordered online if I had time... A pair of Pointer Taylor's in WOLF from Crooked Tongues. "Wolf" is a cool name for a colour. Full stop. Hope you like these babies David?

Please don't laugh at my tartan shoes. I like them.

So you like shoes? Check this howlingly cool site out then: www.sneakerpedia.com.

Policing the local community

2011-05-15T11:50:00.015+01:00

Grab your pooper scooper dooper.

No shit Sherlock. For real. Etc. I've just been elected as a committee member of the Fishpool Street Residents Association - the FSRA - which sounds quite scary. I've loving re-named the coffin dodgers club the Fishpool Street R****** Association already. The FSRA and its curtain twitching members are all too easily abused - as will be my new found special powers. For real they really are a passionate bunch of do-gooding clever old so and so-s. Obviously I'll fit right in. How did this madness happen? I was nominated and subsequently elected for my great work in the community of course. Possibly to curb by breakaway activity for example the various loud n late illegal parties I've organised at the pub, the massively successful Fishpool Street Royal Wedding Street Party, the Half Pint Club for parents and kids [Friday nights and Sunday afternoons at the LRL], formation of a risotto club, my fag-in-hand doorstep street watch [AKA crime prevention] as a stay at home unemployed dad, my popularity with the young folk and the working class, the fact that I'm already the Major of the street / the LRL / the curry house / the Inn on the Park on Foursquare, my community mouse catching skills, etc. They're just jealous and want to be as popular with the kids as I am. If you can't beat em, elect em, is probably what they were thinking. Nuff said. Nearly.

Naturally I can't speak about the initiation ceremony and secrects that were shared with me at the AGM meeting I attended last Friday night. Friday the 13th. A coincidence? I don't think so. Freaky dancing that's all I'm sayin. Very Masonic. I know what you're thinking. Friday night! Pub night! The agenda has to change already. I'll be pitching my own alternative vote for non pub night meeting clashes at the next meeting - that will probably be on a pub night.

Anyway. I'll leave the old dears to continue the genuinely amazing work they are doing to maintain the fabric of our big society and the charming appeal of our wonderful street. My aims are simple. Consider me a mole steering the machine from the inside. My policies are pub and party centric. Not geriatric. Jesus they spent five minutes harping on about the fact that the treasurers accounts were out by a mysterious 54 pee. And later on about the psychology of litter bins - you know bins attract litter etc.

My challenges are: Pick up the giant human turd down the street that is a hideous horrifying blight that has been there for several weeks now and is disturbing some residents. To get said giant human turd photographed and included in the next FSRA newsletter. To pick up dog poo. Pick up litter / take it home and put it in my own bin. Build bridges between the yoof and the nearlry dead. Organise a few alternative g and tea parties. Introduce on the spot fines for dirty cars. Removal of unsightly window ornarments. Maintain my hanging baskets. Make sure my windows are clean. Create a Facebook page. Make sure no one closes the pubs. Protest hard. Wear my combat jacket more often. Listen to more Billy Bragg and Bob Dylan. Buy a gnome. Raise some cash for charity. Stuff like that.

JustGiving car crash charity boo

2011-05-12T16:44:00.002+01:00

Grrrrr just giving me a headache.

Afternoon campers. Here I am trying to do something for the good of mankind and I've bummed out. Like selling my minty gt6.

Today when the child passed out on the couch I thought I'd create a JustGiving page. Initial set up was easy peasy. But then I found adding a photo was bugging out and the theme I selected [from a very limited choice] is not showing on my page. Bummer. I tweeted @JustGiving about thirty minutes ago and I'm mortified they haven't got back to me. Bitchin.

Anyway here is my do-gooder page [see mess above] it looks crap right now and I've raised no cash at all for the MS Society [my chosen charity] so far.

Doubtless this will all be resolved soon and I'll feel more charitable when this disaster sorts itself out. You can probably donate but I won't be happy till my page looks smart. Downloaded the JG Android app too so if you do donate I'll be first to know - after you. The first person to donate can have a free hug.

My cruddy looking page is at: www.justgiving.com/benferrier

GIVE SOME

UPDATE: Ok so JG got back to me on Twitter an hourish later with "@benferrier please check that photos are below 640x480pixels or email to help@justgiving.com and we can upload for you #JGhelp". To which I replied "@JustGiving the website said photos should be under 4MB?" - see screen shot here from add photo page. Now unless I'm drunk on tea 640x480pixels is TINY - so why the heck does the page say 4MB ehh.. Where does it say 640x480pixels? And how many average folk can crop down an image to a specific pixel size ehh? We'll get to the bottom of this. I really want to start getting some giving action going.

UPDATE: All mysteriously sorted. Although the Facebook app is a bit rubbish. And the theme issue seems to be randomly reccuring. Ohh well who gives a grand. Give some.

Selling stuff on eBay aint just about winning innit

2011-05-09T21:37:00.010+01:00

Not winning is for winners.

Just failed to sell my minty Triumph GT6 on eBay today. Nevermind kids. It's been massive fun despite now being totally broke. Even loosing has it's flip side - erm winning. In many ways it's been a big triumph for me. Even if I'm not laughing my way to the Leeds. I'm not going to go in to the detail now tho because I'm pooped. This is just a super dooper quick post to say what the heck, I'll be back, like Kim Jong Il with a new better than ever evil bra sniffing plan in the next 24 hours or so.

Quick thanks to some super fine folk in the Twitterverse before I go to bed and think about what I've done today / over the last two weeks. Cheers to: @webuyanycar, LINGsCARS, @perfectionvalet, @macchinaclub, the Wilson brothers - brother A and brother B to name just a few - there are countless more. More shall be revealed in due-course but for now it's a rap.

Give my Triumph GT6 a good gnome

2011-05-04T15:00:00.006+01:00

A good gnome these days is hard to find.

Have you ever searched for a gnome online? Not I. Not until today that is. A friend just posted a question on Facebook, he was asking if anyone knows where to buy a gnome. My instant reaction was "Gnomebase" - quite a few people "liked" that.

Anyway. So I went on my search for a gnome online. It's not as easy as you'd think to find the gnome you have in mind. You know the classic garden gnome. They're all plastic and novelty gnomes. Try scrolling thro 33 pages of gnomes on eBay and you'll see what I mean. The world has gone mad - GOOD QUALITY TRADITIONAL GARDEN GNOMES ARE NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE TO FIND - it's like trying to find Osama Bin Laden in a haystack.

You can incidentally buy Gnome / Elf kits very cheaply for just a few pounds or less and these would make you look as much like OBL as you would look like a gnome or an elf or even one of snow whites seven dwarfs, even a smurf with a bit of blue face paint.

The long and the short of it is that if you're looking for the ideal Fathers Day gift don't bother with a gnome. Get yourself down to eBay before 3pm on Monday 9th May and snap yourself up my lovely vintage 1973 Triumph GT6 mk3. Not a plastic facsimile / pastiche of an original classic but the real sapphire blue real deal. It really is one of a kind. Happy shopping.

Read my sorry assed tale on eBay now and get bidding like a drunken gnome. Please share this link with your friends on Facebook, Twitter, email, morse code, carrier pigeon, on the back of a postcard, etc - http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/250807307211.

Cheers, Ben

Destroy me and buy my car dot com | GT6 FOR SALE | Charity Auction | #buybensgt6

2011-04-19T09:20:00.042+01:00

Please don't buy my 1973 MK3 Triumph GT6.

As seen on JY Classics and Google Street View.

Raise some cash for charity!

***UPDATE: RESERVE PRICE SLASHED FROM £8,000 TO 7,000!!!*** +++ START YOUR BIDDING NOW +++

It's breaking my heart to write this post already and I've only just started. It's a tear jerker. I was made redundant from my last job late last year. I've been a full time dad for the past nearly five months, looking after my delightful little three year old Dotty and trying to give the lovely other-half time to get out there and set up her own trend research business - that appears to be going quite well.

Unfortunately being a full time pop doesn't pay the bills and I don't get paid for tidying up and putting away, doing the dishes, fixing up the garden or popping over the road to the Lower Red Lion for a cheeky pint of JHB (a rather fine Oakham Ale). Apparently I have to pay my way or face the music. That means helping out towards the mortgage, paying the bills, paying back the OD and credit cards, paying for a bit of childcare here and there, paying back the loan on the family car, bag after bag after bag of rocket salad, coffee, peanut butter and balsamic vinegar etc. Jobseekers allowance doesn't go very far. I have to get a job. Full stop.

In the short term I'm faced with the horrible reality that I have to sell my one true love, my pride and joy, my great escape, my baby - the Triumph GT6 Mk3 that I've held on to like a gecko to a wall for far too long (in the other-half's mad and unreasonable mind anyway). Farewell my love. Sniff sniff.

Here she goes... The old child to feed / can't stick a child seat in a vintage 2 seat coupe and whizz off on a family holiday with half a ton of rocket salad story. I'm not going to give the car away tho - there's a premium associated with my loss.

Firstly I need to keep the wolf from the door AKA drop some coins in the family purse and get the GF off my back - maybe paving the way for this years Le Mans trip (on foot if I have to) that is under threat too.

Secondly, whilst I'm at it I'd like to try and raise some extra cash to give to the Multiple Sclerosis Society in lieu of chickening out of the London Marathon charity run this year. Come on there's only one way to travel and it's not on all fours (how I would have finished the final 25.5 miles). P.S. My mum has MS - it's not just a totally random cause. Once I've sold my baby I may have to borrow her hot electric wheels tho!

Thirdly, as a jobseeker looking for work in the digital marketing area I may as well do something totally daft to grab some potential employers attention for a split second by making a big to medium even moderate splash across the interweb. Here's my LinkedIn page if that's you.

So to quickly restate my objectives:

Sell my car and make some quick n dirty cash to save my bacon
Make money for charity
Get a job faster than a speeding GT6

Tell me about that incredible 1973 Triumph GT6 Mk 3!

The technical stuff:

Triumph GT6 mk3 in stunning Sapphire Blue
2 Litre straight six engine - yes six cylinders!
Goes like a "scared cat"
Overdrive gearbox - drops in & out sweetly / in 3rd and 4th as is normal
K&N filters / Stromberg Carbs - all clean and mean
Twin pipes
Rock solid chassis - and tidy underneath
Four minilite alloy wheels / steel spare in the boot
Clean & shiny and tidy - in and out
About 70,000 on the clock - it's in the garage / I can't remember exactly
Full box of history - inc. original owners manual and MOT certificates
Fully restored seven years - have photos etc
A1+ / £9,500 agreed value by Triumph Sports Six Club in 2007
Once owned by someone called Benjamin Dominic Jolly - comedy coincidence
Kept in garage over recent arctic winter
Taxed till end of August
MOT to end of July
The usual box of various bits and bobs
Reserve price £7,000 + (including a charity donation)

+++ THE EBAY AUCTION STARTS AT 3PM ON FRIDAY 29TH APRIL +++ WATCH THIS SPACE / HERE YOU GO +++

More car history...

Dreams are made of cars like these. Check out the full res pictures of my baby on Flickr. You may have seen my baby on Google Street View - car thieves please note that it's currently securely parked up in a secret location (in a nice dry garage) and there are no tools kept in the back overnight anyway. It's also As seen on JY Classics - scroll down the page to see what monsieur John Yarnell, the Triumph boffin who sold me the car in the first place had the cheek to say in his customer's car gallery.

Actually below is a carbon copy of what trusty KY had to say about my car on his web 2.0 litre cars for sale page before I purchased it in part exchange for my rusty Triumph Spitfire. Bloody hell you should see what he said about the old spit - the cheeky b******d.

Word for word copy of John's original ad...

GT6 MK3 1973

Restored in 2003 (photos included) and looking stunning in sapphire blue with shadow blue interior on minilite alloy wheels, I have to confess to a short delay in advertising it as I've been borrowing it myself!

Excellent, powder coated chassis and good panel gaps all round. Sills and floor are as you would expect, perfect and no rust on the car to keep you awake at night.

Overdrive gearbox, Kenwood radio cassette with electric ariel, K&N air filters, stainless steel exhaust, immobilizer, woodrim steering wheel.

Now for the really good bit... 49,000 miles from new (no, not a misprint, forty nine thousand!) with history and every single MOT certificate to prove it. We've just checked with Carol Vorderman and she makes that an average of about 28 miles a week since 1973!

Keep it in this condition you won't loose a penny.

Even more car history...

Since buying the car in 2007 the blue goddess has been lovingly fully serviced by John every year. I've put on about 20,000 (yes Twenty thousand real miles!) and I even snapped it on the M25 reaching 66,666 miles. New horns - toot toot. The interior has been tidied up with new door cards, new glove box, and mounting for the stereo which has been updated to a Sony CD player / Face off thing that can take an aux IPod jack thingy. The front screen rubber and trim has been replaced. It's had a new head and new overdrive gearbox fitted surgically, again by John. The passenger side rear wing, rear bumper and back plate have been replaced again lovingly by John at a cost of something like £5,000 to the very good insurance company of the driver that bumped the backend whilst it was parked outside my house - perfect job. Just about every part stuck on to the engine has been replaced or upgraded including new high torque starter motor, new alternator, new electronic ignition - fitted in the distributor cap, new HT leads, new and bigger radiator, new shiny wheel nuts all round, etc etc. Stupid stainless steel bullet like wing mirrors have been replaced with more functional rectangular version. In the last few months I've completely stripped and serviced the carbs with a complete refurb kit from Rimmer Brothers - including new o-rings, gaskets, spindles, needles, with tweaking and balancing (OK it wasn't me. I used a proper mechanic known locally for his Stephen Hawkins like knowledge of these complex and mind boggling things - not called John - called Steve - a local mechanic without a fancy website). The bonnet has been tidied up by Steve and re-sprayed recently to remove a small but annoying dent in the bulge, a few stone chips and stress wear on the weak points where the bonnet flexes when raised. It's running like clockwork and sounds incredible. To quote the chap I referred to as a Hawkins "It goes like a scared cat".

Confessions: Very minor amount of surface rust under floor mats. Some minor paint lifting and chips that have all been touched up. Metalwork solid throughout though. Small area of paint discolouration on passenger side of boot that could do with dusting over. Small 1p size chip in top of passenger side windscreen - has not moved in 2 years and does not affect MOT.

The Triumph Sports Six Club (TSSC) valued my baby at £9,500 for insurance and rated it A1+ in 2007. Unfortunately the valuation and condition is non transferable but all you need to do is send in a few snaps and a description for your own valuation. You need to be a member of the TSCC to get a valuation for insurance. Membership costs around £40 a year and you get a sit-on-the-bog worthy monthly member's magazine too. Annual insurance with Footman James costs less than £200. Tax is about the same.

Considering the insane minty condition and fact that these babies are as rare as hens teeth I'd like to put £7,000 back in to the family coffers in compensation for you driving away in my dream boat car. In my mind you may as well be running off with my girlfriend. I'll be posting the car on eBay shortly - watch this space - and don't forget the charity bit - see below / it's important!

+++ THE EBAY AUCTION STARTS AT 3PM ON FRIDAY 29TH APRIL +++ WATCH THIS SPACE / CLICK HERE +++

What's all this about the MS Society and Charity?

Owning a car like this costs about a million pounds a year to keep on the road so if you have that kind of cash knocking about you've probably got more money than brains / you are incredibly successful and very kind / or you have a very understanding girlfriend - one of the above anyway. Either way you can spare a little bit extra for a good cause too!

I'll be selling the car on eBay. I'm confident that I'll get the £7,000 which will be set as the reserve for my car but I want the car to go to a good home where it will be loved. Talking about love, I want to do something for my mum and people like her with Multiple Sclerosis too. I'll keep the £7,000 reserve price for the car in order to carry on living myself and every half penny above the reserve price will be given to the MS Society when I have received payment from the buyer / handed over the keys.

I'll accept bids on eBay (I will add a link here). Get in touch if you have any questions! Obviously the car goes to the highest bidder.

+++ THE EBAY AUCTION STARTS AT 3PM ON FRIDAY 29TH APRIL +++ WATCH THIS SPACE / BID NOW +++

Want to see my Triumph GT6 in the flesh and hear it roar?

See my baby stealing the show at the Royal Wedding Street Party that I'm organizing at the Lower Red Lion pub in St Albans on the 29th April. The car will be parked in the car park. Burgers and beverages will be available.

On Facebook? Sign up to the Royal Wedding Street Party to view my car in St Albans on the 29th!

Alternatively IF ENOUGH PEOPLE ARE INTERESTED I'll drive her down to the Ace Café in North London for a lunchtime viewing one day after the Royal Wedding. Give me a shout and let me know if you are interested in looking at my GT6 and grabbing some sausage, egg and chips at the famous petrol head Mecca... Located conveniently just off the A406 at the bottom of the M1.

Get in touch!

If you have any questions please Tweet me @benferrier with the hashtag #buybensgt6, or leave a comment right here on my blog. If you'd like a private viewing please feel free to contact me by email - I'm sure I can do that too.

Just the job

Marketing jobs! Yes please. Contact me straight away so I don't have to sell my lovely car! If you give me a job that starts first time before the auction ends I'll donate half of my first month's salary to the MS Society - and keep the car.

Eat my shorts dot com

2011-04-07T09:57:00.011+01:00

Not enough guns and knives ehh!

Further to my recent "whats in my sink dot com" idea that was taken to the cleaners by someone I shall refer to only as "G" to protect his/her identity. Herewith find below a new idea called "what can I quickly cobble together in response to being stabbed in the back dot com" or "eat my shorts dot com". Possibly even "handbags at dawn dot com".

In my counter criticism blag you'll find:

Spy camera

Getaway car keys

Wallet [black / stealth]

Aslan the lion water squirter

Big heavy and durable torch

Pistols

Tea strainer [smart people don't tea bag]

Steak knife

Potato peeler [deceptively deadly]

Another knife

Dinner party knife [perfect for black tie op's]

Pink knife

Abacus [for calculating getaway times]

Spud gun

Ammo for above [full 6 chip clip]

Childs hands

What's in my sink dot com

2011-04-05T22:38:00.020+01:00

Some filthy things in my sink.

Thinking about how stupidly easy it is to create a stupid idea for the first time in a short while I thought I'd share this ridiculous idea for a new website called "whatsinmysink.com" based entirely on the fabulous website called what's in my pocket dot com AKA "Everydaycarry.com" that I'd nearly forgotten about but I was reminded about five minutes ago on Facebook by my old IT Jedi master. I'm genuinely sink to death of washing up the same old stuff every day:p Would it not be far more interesting to wash up some other suckers dirty stuff?

What's in your dirty sink then?

Further to the above idea I'd also like to register my intent to set up the geo-location service called "We do any washing up dot com", "We buy your washing up dot com" and "I'll do your washing up dot com".

P.S. Further to the above again I'd just like to remind you of an old proverb that someone like Guy Kawaski [you know the one on Twitter.com] would probably post - along the lines of - "It's not what is your dirty sink that is the ball-ache. It's the mountain of filth on your IKEA worktop next to your sink that needs washing up that is the big problem." ~Disherwasherupicus

Dirty Weekend Breaks

2011-04-04T09:34:00.016+01:00

Getting down with the Dirt in Stockwell.

I had a fat free pass and caught some Dirtburg at the Queens Head in Stockwell on Saturday. Woooooo. Get some crotch level video action from the beastly night below - featuring three sweaty MC's and one DJ [beasti-like] with a side order of dirty drum-n-bass sticks and utterly filthy scratchy guitar. Dig more dirt on Facebook here or watch more dirty dirtburger action at the Monarch in Camden there. P.S. As Ringo from the band just pointed out the sound is shite on these recordings but was honestly crisp on the night. Finger on the mic? Probably. P.P.S. Apparently if you could actually make out what they were saying it would give you a hernia anyway.

Happy Valentines Day Darling

2011-02-14T20:00:00.005Z

You blow me away darling.

This is what I expect would happen if I pop out for a beer with the chaps whilst you finish cooking the Risotto. P.S. Like risotto? Join my risotto cooking Facebook group if you have nothing better to do tonight.

Mubarak - Listen to the People and Walk Like an Egyptian

2011-01-31T19:47:00.004Z

If only...

No further political points to make today.

UPDATE 11th Feb: Bloody heckers he's walked!

Oxford Circus Shooting Chineese Whispers Nuke Stike on Nike Town

2011-01-19T12:51:00.034Z

Chineese Clown Shooting on Oxford Circus Investigated

About an hour and a bit ago I read a tweet saying there was a shooter on the rampage in Oxford Circus. Ahh / Ohh dear I thought. Really. Checked Sky News on Twittter. Nothing. Thought nothing of it. Five minutes after that another similar panicky tweet from someone else. Said to the girlfriend "Apparently there's been a shooting on Oxford Street". "Oh" she said and tottered off to the shops. Checked the BBC. Nowt. Thought this has twitter prank written all over it. Five minutes after that saw the this fantastic timeline of tweets by some Shoreditch tweep [ok twat] calling himself @abscond. Turns out the shooting was a photo shoot - hilarious.

Since then I've enjoyed the ensuing Chineese Whispers [#chineesetwispers - I coined that btw but like a twat spelt it wrong with two e's according to spell check], the panic, the reveal, secondary rumors and comedy tweets for what quickly became the trending topic of the day - Oxford Circus.

Apparently police are already investigating the incident and source of the rumours - if this is actually true I'm looking forward to the next "#iamspartacus" debacle in the news and @candicecbailey must be sh*tting bricks about now. P.S. I have pre coined the hashtag "#iamcandicecbaileycus" in advance too. Spell check doesnt like that either. The moral... Check your sources and your spelling. Goddamit I spelt "Strike" wrong too - ohh well it rhymes with "Nike" so thats ok. Etc.

Thank you Twitter for making my day.

UPDATE: Now you actually can read about the shooting that never was on Sky News. P.P.S. Sky News I think you'll find I beat you to the #crytwolf point - but good point well made anyway.

SHOPPING IMPACT: The GF got back about five minutes after this post went live and she hasnt mentioned the shooting at all. "Ohh" I'm thinking. All that shopping must be very distracting.

BLOW ME MEDIA MONKEYS: It's on the Guardian Media Monkey now as well. Indeed this shooting incident is indeed a social media case study in the making [like i sort of predicted hours ago].

FOR REAL: In The Evening Standard too. Did police deploy terror counter measures to curb public panic and shoot themselves in the foot? Do I smell a "training exercise" rat? Or is this just a load of fantastic twitter twaddle?

Hugh's Fish Fight Nets Half a Million Supporters Overnight

2011-01-18T15:09:00.028Z

Smoke me a kipper I'll be back for breakfast!

I've been known to post a few fishy tales up here, for example some jibber jabber about a Hirst shark [that I have now found and will sell to the highest bidder btw] or some nonsense about aussies staying afloat in a flood but today lets look at something truly fish-tastic and an excellent example of making the best of social media to amplify a great cause. Sometimes it's well worthwhile trawling-the-web to do some actual good - dude.

Hugh's Fish Fight aired on TV last week and calls for the end of "discarding" AKA wasting dead fish or chucking the tiddlers overboard. It's like as contoversial as water-boarding terrorists - but genuinely lethal to the extremely innocent fish. There is more to it than meets the fish-eye of course. The ultimate aim of the campaign [read all about it on www.fishfight.net] is to lobby the government and other grey suited bore-ocrats to change ludicrous legislation that forces fishermen to discard AKA "waste" fish [like Free Willy, Nemo and Flipper etc] that get pulled up with the catch but that they cannot legally land.

Kurt Cobain was quite right when he said something like "It's ok to fish, cos they don't have any feelings" and I like the fact that this campaign is not about hurting fishes feelings - it's about not wasting the fish and plaice-ing them on your plate.

Anyway, so I felt compelled to sign up after watching the show last week but quite predictably I suppose the .net site had snagged / crashed on the TV popularity rocks and was not available. I found Hugh's fishy Twitter stream and from there found Hugh's fishy Facebook page where I was able to sign up. At the time something like 150,000 odd people had signed up and I saw and update email from Hugh a few days ago to say how stoked he was that he'd reached 300k and that he'd love to shoot for the half-million. Well just 3 days later here we are - power to the people, micro-chips and his celebrity chumps Ramsay St, Oliver and the food-come-scientist Blumingfelloffthementalchart. Pass me some Turkey Twizzlers and break open the tartar sauce Hugh's done it - doubling his target 250k supporters about 5 months ahead of plan! Awesomeness.

On a socail media note "Good catch" chef Fearnley Whittingstall also for the fishy widget [cast your eyes over the tasty fish widget below] for goody two-shoes bloggers to share the f-word further. If you love eating fish hook yourself up with the widget now.

P.S. You are clearly slightly queer if you don't eat the skin / batter - it's the best bit.

Major flaw in aussie life preservation plan revealed

2011-01-13T00:47:00.020Z

Shit mate these fuggers don't work!

Breaking news: Famous aussie scientists that have worked on important science projects such as Mad Max, Mad Max 2, Mad Max 3, Mad Max 4, Mad Max 5, Mad Max 6: Max is really angry mate and just ate Bouncer for breakfast, Braveheart, Home and Away, Neighbours, The Flying Doctors, Prisoner Cell Block H, and BMX Bandits have today revealed that the long-time-loved and cherished national life preservation garment - the all-too-well-joked-about and slightly comedic aussie image [similar to that of Sir Alf Ramsay the former manager of Manchester United [in England mate] and the home of Braveheart] - the "cork hat" does not do the job mate, nor does it provide "Freedom".

According to the Aussie experts, the apparel as worn [with pride and confidence] by upto 98% of the population as governed by HRH The Queen of England] until recent shady changes of government policy in the capital "Sydney-upon-Canberra" and the suburbs nearwith etc] is frankly unfit for purpose. Wearing of such garments [including the recently contrived "Jesus Boots" [that allow aussies to take the floods in their strides and with pride] has been herralded in the Ramsay Street Times and Erinsborough News as wholely unsafe.

Suggestions have been made by respected local citizen, and god-like back-from-the-dead star, Sir Harold of the Almighty Bishop that all said cork based hanging hat gear should be tested first by the "Gallah" son of Madge, Henry Ramsay. Testing should be conducted in the pool in the yard of #32 previously owned by ugly-duckling-cum-swan and suspected dauhter of Nell Mangel [old mate of the now retired Helen Robinson], who we all know and love as "Plain Jane the Superbrain" etc [in a swimsuit of course sheila].

Strewth. Mate. Anyway the moral of the story is that unless your cork hat is endorsed offically by Des and Daph's hat / coffee / flowershop shop its going to flop [float upsidedown mate] and whatever you do do not trust it to save your bacon and eggs when failed pop star Stefan Dennis AKA Angry Boy Paul Robinson comes bashing on your porch door and chucks you in the pool - let us not forget his dad [and now more famous than him] Jim took mushrooms in the bush once upon-a-time.

And [albeit incidentally] Toadfish says hi too by the way - I think he turned somehow into Jack Osbourne in the latest episode [#56789], "Ozzy Osbourne just said his son Toadfish turned in to a celebrity, please get me out of here, before Bez and Shaun Ryder from the Happy Mondays come round and kick off with Jim Robinson because he sold them some crap shrooms, and Bez [the UKs original dancing gallah] crashed my quad-bike and turned me in to a cabbage and made me cry". G'day mate.

Anyway the point is that Mike Young [now a Hollywood bit-part-player called "Guy Pearce" in real life who recently starred in movies such as Hurt Locker and some unforgettable others] and Clive Gibbons [you know the one with the ginger hair] both say "test the cork first mate. Some of those froggy corks are just not up to scratch - try some native abbo wine corks mate". We all know of course that the aussies are inherently racist.

Moving on, after this neighbourly debacle perhaps we can have that floating barbie in the pool - wherever mate - it floats and it's self-stocking with shrimps. Why move out of the suburbs like Charlene and Scott when you can barbie in the comfort of your own pool / flood.

Please do "Confide in Me" if you have any Kylie questions or concerns over the accuracy of this well-meaning post about these dangerous aussie cork hats. I should be so lucky.

Fosters campaign to save aussies and ramsay street residents from the flood

2011-01-12T14:43:00.009Z

A quick idea to help save the aussies from the floods and recent ashes bashing. Sponsored unwittingly by Fosters.

Don't worry mate, Jim Robinson or Doc Kennedy will step in to save the day. Charlene and Scott are also on hand somewhere up Brizzy way to help flood stricken neighbours and relo's catch a flight to the safety of ayers rock - a service provided by the alice springs flying doctors service. First one to the top gets a refreshing 6-pack of watery Fosters beer. Grab your surfboards, free beers r up. P.S. Has anyone seen Harold Bishop?

See the photo as big as ayers rock on Twitpic. P.S. That's roughly the size of a Frisco's seal.

Find out about the Quantas sponsored plan B for Backpackers here sport.

Find out how aussie hat manufacturers step up to help flood victims. And how the crafty cork marketing guys dived in with a last minute packaging idea - biblical boots!

The world best e-fit ever made up!

2010-08-27T19:29:00.004+01:00

Found this cross between Where is Sally (OK Wally - but I like that typo) and BA Baracas in the Standard. Have you seen this man?

Back from the dead / future

2010-07-07T22:47:00.002+01:00

Hello blog world. I'm back. Nobbing around with things and genrally being a pain in the ass again. Nothing really interesting to point out today (restrained by lack of free app functionality etc) but full of stupid ideas again. Can't wait to share my incredible "why designers can't see the wood for the trees" idea and various other randomly stupid shizzle. Back in the future sometime soon. Test broadcast complete. Over.

Tree things about Stella Artois trading E's for Christmas trees campaign

2009-11-30T16:11:00.027Z

Saving trees and drinking beer.

Stella Artois today announced their augmented reality "Send a Card, Save a Tree" Christmas ecard campaign. Aiming to plant [or save or something like that] a million trees in the Argentinean Atlantic Rainforest [where the f*** is that], when a million ecards have been sent [wow - how many is that]. A jolly good Stella idea, which nobody can deny [US version] / and so say all of us [EN version].

Here are "tree" things I noticed.

1. It took five [gold ring pulls] to get past the [enter] DOB / location bit to even get started. The connect with Facebook link appeared to do nothing and the page kept locking up - like a mahogany chainsaw jam.

2. To get the whole 3D augmented reality xmas wizard ecard experience you need a webcam [I don't have one Santa!] and a "marker image" [WTF is that Santa?]. You are "present[ed]" with two ways to get the marker image 1. Print it out on your home printer [on paper, erm that's trees?], or 2. Download it to your mobile phone. Now, considering this is a tree-hugging campaign, I'd say the print at home option is a pretty ill-thought-out idea - no?

3. The whole thing is properly overly complicated to use, so not everyone will get to enjoy the full-bodied festive flavour. Definitely not after the 4 pint threshold. The "Claus" is lost in the confusion. There's "snow-way" my mum will get it. A simple "cut-down" version would save more trees?

I don't want to p**s on the Stella Christmas parade. It's nearly Christmas after all; a time for joy and a time for giving. Yes it's absolutely a good idea 4 good, and yes it's full of festive fun, but, maybe, M. Stella jumped the gun and didn't fully think it through? An extra day at the thinking before drinking table is worth its weight in gold/frankincense/mer[d*] [*French / Belgian spelling].

Oh, and like I said in our chat on Twitter, yes I'm very excited about Christmas and especially picking up my "sleigh-n" Christmas tree next weekend [oops!].

My campaign score card:

Goodwill: 5.0 ABV / 5.0 ABV
Execution: 8 pints [too many]
Timing: Good things come to those who wait.
Transparency: Clearly a few million email addresses to plunder is a result in anyone's book / Kindle etc.

Anyway, try it for yourself [responsibly] and tell Santa what you think in the comments box below ---> Go on send an eCard and save a tree with Stella Artois. Just do it OK.

P.S. Stella have not sent me a slab of fizzy festive fun to write this post, but I'd gladly retract some of it for an advent sized [24 x cans] slab of the wife-beater. Or a shiny new webcam.

P.P.S. Stella - have you got a cool "widget" that I can post on my blog for my blog fans to post ecards? [Whatever you do - do not scroll down].

P.P.P.S. Read stuff about other recent online campaigns that are clever - like the IKEA Facebook thing or the SonyEricsson Space Hopper thing.

Carnaby Street Christmas Monsters

2009-11-28T09:43:00.012Z

Peace loving beasts of Christmas.

I was cutting through Carnaby Street on the way to the Apple Store yesterday to pick up a dangly thing for a friend and stumbled upon these crazy carnival creatures. So Pink Floyd pig. Amazing - if you're in London be sure to float over and check em yourself. I think it's up till Christmas.

P.S. Amazing customer service in the Apple Store on Regents street. I wish I had a Macbook Pro, PS3, iPhone, Gap voucher, or all of the above. If you're thinking about buying me a Christmas present or a blogger bribe [I'm available] you know what to get and where to go. Cash in a brown envelope still perfectly acceptable. P.P.S. Rich - where's my twenty quid.

See this 60's pop set on my Flickr.

Don't just bounce off. Read about some more mad inflatable goings on ---> pop over to my SonyEricsson Space Hopper post.

Space Hopping madness by SonyEricsson #pumpt

2009-11-26T13:44:00.033Z

Pumping horny balls full of air and interacting with monkeys live on the internet.

The internet came alive again today, with a nifty interactive Space Hopper campaign from SonyEricsson.

Before I go on... Thanks to the nice girl [or boy in a wig] that responded to my tweet "Hey @chiefhopper Please give a Space Hopper a hug. Need a better screen shot for my blog ---> http://bit.ly/6nLoyl #pumpt ;-p". So funny, she gave me a big green one too. I think the chief hopper cracked his monkey whip.

I love it, about as much as the IKEA vs. Matrix thing yesterday, but in a different way. It's simple, genius, interactive, and highly contagious. It's mixing live streaming performance, by real people in a room full of Space Hoppers, with creative direction from the Twitterverse. This is a great example of a mega-budget mobile brand production vs. the on-the-cheap but ingenious IKEA production ---> I think there's an IKEA brand pun in there somewhere.

So the Twitterverse is bouncing ideas to the ring-master AKA @chiefhopper, locked away in a warehouse, somewhere in the real world, and a big screen is relaying the crowd-sourced crazy ideas to a team of white overall-clad SonyEricsson elves [it's nearly Christmas - give me a break - OK let's call them hopper-monkeys]. The aforementioned hopper-monkeys are performing tricks on demand e.g. Space Hopper pyramid building, Space Hopper races, posing for photos, and other cruel tricks [etc] - live on the streaming internet. Monkey business indeed.

Meanwhile, the Twitterverse is pumping life and more monkey-fun [OK air] in to shed-loads of deflated Space Hoppers. More air is pumped with every #pumpt hashtag tweeted. Hey Presto, the more #pumpt tweets you tweet, the more Space Hoppers the hopper-monkeys get to play with.

The campaign is cruel to animals, but I’m struggling to find meaning in the monkey madness. Oh, aside from some playful monkey cheerfulness on a cold, miserable, winter day. Which is nice - much better than going to the zoo. Thanks for the bouncy monkey nuts.

Unfortunately the whole bouncing monkey thing is nowhere near as funny as learning "how to say fu*k you in a pie chart" - which is puerile comedy genius from some crazy ape in OZ, that I also stumbled upon today.

Whatever will tomorrow bring? Dancing giraffes? Paint-balling crocodiles? Swearing snakes?

On Twitter? Hit retweet below [and add #pumpt to your tweet] and we can both have a #pumpt together. Offer expires in about ten days time.

Like this? Have some more inflatable fun <--- click there.

IKEA Facebook campaign vs. The LEGO Matrix

2009-11-25T17:07:00.030Z

Bricks vs. Clicks - The best sh*t I've seen on Twitter today.

I've just awarded some smart dude called Len Kendall my first ever tweet of the day award for something totally stupid - for Tweeting a LEGO re-creation of the Matrix bullet dodging roof top scene. Luke's award was in the fun bag genius category. With hindsight, the award should really have gone to the creators. Oops, just a small glitch - sorry guys.

Before all that Hollywood cr*p today there was some Swedish genius [wish I could say Norwegian Wood] - the IKEA Facebook campaign that spread like a nasty virus all over the net. A much more down to earth and a low budget production, but cool in some Matrix like special respects.

If you're looking for a brilliantly simple flat-packed example of how to blast out a cost effective, meaningful and impactful social media campaign, this is the one that sticks out ---> like a slow bullet to the head.

No point me parroting the who, where, why, what here is there. You can read all that twaddle on econsultancy, the digitalbuzz, or CNET.

Not only did this IKEA thing get IKEA customers to spread the love sentinels, it went balistic over the blogosphere, on Twitter, and on the marketing for dummies web too.

The Oracle suggests taking the blue and yellow pill today.

165 unsorted links to really interesting stuff to bait blog fans

2009-11-19T20:03:00.031Z

Take a journey in to my mind.

Hey Rat Fans. I was chatting with some interesting folks at this word of mouth do this week. I mentioned my loathing for all those TOP TEN or BEST FIFTY lists you get on Twitter all the time and hey presto came up with a top idea of my own. I’ve been stashing away a little treasure trove of my favorite interesting pages on the tweb for a little while so I thought I’d share them with you - all 165 of the mouther fraggers. I'm not greedy. I keep getting the blue screen of death on my lappy so this is sort of a link preservation exercise with a twist as well.

Consider my ultimate-list a dip into the stuff I’ve been reading, meaning to read, loved or just liked the look of. Mostly its boring old social media and digital marketing stuff, some arty farty stuff, dirty design, weird and wonderful sh*t, a bit of business baloney, some stuff about start ups, PR and SEO, a bit about blogging, and some stuff I’ve contributed to in one way or another - like this cheeky baby on Fuel Your Blogging tonight.

So basically all I did was export my IE faves in to Excel, chop out some of the weird code and paste it below. It's in raw unadulterated, un-edited alphabetical order. It’s all there one hundred percent - no cheating, no lies.

I did notice that some of my real favorite stuff isn’t actually in my super-link-list, which is a shame because I'd love to big up the cool sh*t and make me look cool [see photo above]. Take a peek below and tell me what you think in the comment box, share it, and re-tweet it like mad. I Hope this #neb165 sh*t is useful. Whatever etc.

Check my Twitter lists for the coolade, arty, and geeky stuff I follow everyday.

Let the ultimate list begin...

'Avin' A Giraffe

- Constructive Grumpiness

10 Cool Non-Design Blogs You Should Check for Daily Inspiration Inspired Magazine

10 Creative Contests Powered by Social Media

10 Essential Social Media Blogs You Should Definitely Bookmark Inspired Magazine

10 Golden Rules of Social Media

10 Ways a Start-Up Can Use Social Media to Market Itself

10 Ways to Archive Your Tweets

11 Outstanding & Fresh Blog Designs You Should Check Right Now Inspired Magazine

20 + mind-blowing social media statistics Blog Econsultancy

20LTD

5 SEO Posts You Need to Read

50 Awesome Robots Abduzeedo Graphic Design Inspiration and Photoshop Tutorials

50 Gorgeous Flash Websites You Definitely Should See Graphic and Web Design Blog -Resources And Tutorials

50+ Most Amazing and Funny Twitter Comics cheth Studios

77 Tips For Starting An Online Business

A smart social strategy to get you up and running … « Start Up Donut blog

a thousand cuts adam cohen's blog

addictomatic Inhale the Web

AddThis - My Analytics

Adverblog - interactive marketing and other great advertising ideas

Advertising, creative, design, digital, media, new media and web jobs.

Alexander John Forsyth - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Alltop - Top Social Media News

Alltop, all the top stories

Alternative Marketing Model

Are we in a Social Media bubble

Babyccino

ben ferrier (benferrier) on Twitter

Ben Ferrier - LinkedIn

benferrier

Best of Twitter 20+ Funniest #oneletteroffmovies

Brand Autopsy

Chris Anderson dismisses newspapers in interview - Brand Republic News - Brand Republic

Church of the Customer Blog

Communications Catalyst — David Mullen on PR, Integrated Communications and Social Media

Conversation Agent Being Connected

crackunit.com iain tait's blog about things

create, finance and distribute in a cross-media world « POWER TO THE PIXEL

Creative Marketing BMW vs. Audi

Current News News Video Clips & Current News Articles -- Current

dare ~ ideas that work

Design Milk

Digit, Simple Human Interaction -

directory 100 technology experts on Twitter Between the Lines ZDNet.com

Driving Traffic To Your Blog 6 Tips To Capture The Linkerati

DuPont's Social Media Campaign Goes Up in Flames... - Advertising Age - Video

Eat Me Daily Food Is Culture

Econsultancy Community of Digital Marketing and Ecommerce Professionals

Embedding Social Media Channels in Modern Web Design Inspired Magazine

Environmental Graffiti Offbeat Environmental News, Not Hip-Hop!

Ben Ferrier | Facebook

Feeding the Puppy

Five Reasons Customers Pay for Content - ClickZ

foursquare

Fresh Resources - new approach recruitment solution

FTC Releases Guidelines for Endorsements (and Bloggers)

Get Satisfaction - People-Powered Customer Service

Getting Your Blog Noticed

Google Wave Invite Pulled From eBay After Bids Skyrocket

grain edit · 50+ Designers on Twitter Our favorites to follow.

Guerilla Art Press - Graffiti Urban Street Prints!

Guide to a Successful Blog Post Fuel Your Blogging

Home - We Are VI - An Innovation-Led Creative Agency

How To Close the Back Door of Your Blog Fuel Your Blogging

HOW TO Develop into a Leader on Twitter « Bit Rebels

How to do a SWOT analysis Start Up Donut

HOW TO Do Good on Facebook

How To Grow Your Fanbase Fuel Your Apps

How to optimise your website from the ground up Blog Econsultancy

How to Social Media Monitoring Impact Marketing Zone

www.lindseypollak.com-archives-how-to-have-a-fantastic-linkedin-profile

www.samepoint.com-blog-p=100

www.wunderman.co.uk

www2.dupont.com-Stories-en_US-index.html

J Y Classics Ltd

Jarlett De Grouchy

Journalists, Online PR & Link Building

Kemp Folds

Love your customer service staff, love your customers Blog Econsultancy

Market research for start ups Start Up Donut

Mashable’s Weekly Guide to Web Development & Social Media Jobs

Matt Morrison explains why social media is inherently marketing resistant « WOM UK

Mattel launches e-commerce portal for various brands - DMNews

Memo to startups stick to solving problems Blog Econsultancy

Microbloggers, Meet the Microvideo - Bits Blog - NYTimes.com

Moving Brands – a branding and digital agency based in London

Neoco digital marketing

Netflix Awards $1 Million Prize and Starts a New Contest - Bits Blog - NYTimes.com

Networking meetings they don’t work, do they Writing, Copyediting, Proofreading and PR

New Media, Marketing, Advertising & Interactive News & Jobs NMA

Nicely Done CSS

Ogilvy PR 360 Digital Influence Blog

Online selling tips (part one) Start Up Donut

Only Dead Fish

Overview of Rev. Alexander John Forsyth

Particle

PistonHeads Headlines

Platform

Point&Anchor

Recruitment - Source Personnel

reirref neb

renedelabre.com

Richard Serra - October 27 - December 23, 2009 - Gagosian Gallery

Rory Sutherland Life lessons from an ad man Video on TED.com

Samepoint Social Conversation Search Social Mentions

Santa Monica BMW's Checkmate - (37signals)

sccope Price Compare. Anytime. Anywhere.

Seedcamp

Seth's Blog Notice me

Seth's Blog Things to ask before you redo your website

Seth's Blog

Should You Write Short or Long Blog Posts Fuel Your Blogging

Showcase of Fresh and Well-Designed Online Shops Design Showcase Smashing Magazine

Social Recruiting

Specialists in creative marketing Recuitment and fashion designing jobs, Creative PR jobs, - Profiles Creative

Spill It How Do You Write Fuel Your Blogging

Stand By Me Community Collaboration « Bit Rebels

Starting a new business - free advice, tools and resources Start Up Donut

Stonyfield Yogurt - Greener Cow Project- page one

Stop.Look.Listen.

Super Obama World

super superficial

SynapticWeb - FrontPage

Targeting a niche market Start Up Donut

technorati Front Page

TED Interview Tribes Author Says People, Not Ads, Build Social Networks Epicenter from Wired.com

The 37 things I want to see on a product page Blog Econsultancy

The 7 Deadly Sins of Blogging Copyblogger

The best in advertising, design, and digital creativity AdCritic Creativity Online

the business of branded entertainment Brand-e.Biz

The Future of Social Media Monitoring

The History and Evolution of Social Media Webdesigner Depot

The Internet Strategist

The New Adventures of Stephen Fry

The Tony Soprano guide to social media Blog Econsultancy

The WOMMA Word

This Five-Letter Word Is Key to Marketing Success B-R-A-N-D Integrated Branding Fast Company

To Blog or Not to Blog Fuel Your Blogging

today in art

tssc - Welcome to the Triumph Sports Six Club.

Turning a crashing computer into a work of art

TWEET IDEAS 13 Things to Do on Twitter Besides Tweet

Twibbon.com - Start Something!

Twitter 101 for Business — A Special Guide

Twitter Followers Statistics by TwitterCounter

Twitter Tips Advice from Evangelist Guy Kawasaki - ClickZ

Twitterific SEO Checklist at Experience Matters

Use your mobile to call up a bargain - Telegraph

Vicious Vitamins

Victors & Spoils - The world's first creative (ad) agency built on crowdsourcing principles.

Vimeo, Video Sharing For You

we are social - social media agency - online PR agency - online word of mouth marketing agency - conversation agency

We Are VI, An Innovation-Led Creative Agency

What is Damien Hirst really up to Jonathan Jones Art and design guardian.co.uk

What's the next Twitter

Where is Koogaloo

Whoa - Ford SHELBY vs CAMARO vs JEEP vs VAZ 2107 vs HELICOPTER (via @pyesawichjr) - Michael Lebowitz

Wired's guide to the UK Twitterati

WOM UK

womma The Leading Voice for Ethical and Effective Word of Mouth and Social Media Marketing

Wonderwall

wunderman Impactful Conversations

www.mydigitaljob.co.uk - Jobs in Digital Media

Community scratching away the art market veneer

2009-11-16T23:08:00.025Z

The new art crowd eating away foundations of the blood thirsty art market.

After a trip to Frieze a few weeks ago I found an ally, sharing my views on the current state of the art. I must have been one of the first few peeps to stumble upon the recently launched b_uncut art blog.

Last night I just went along to the launch their new online art gallery. Have I just witnessed a revolution or eclipse in art? It's more of an art solar system [with the artist in the middle] and a social evolution. Taking the art bull by the horns it appears [if you believe the hype and wine] that Philip Letts and his blur group have turned the art world on its mob-like horses head. Activating the user generated power of social media and brining the concept of Fairtrade to the aid of artists.

Utilising Wordpress, Ning, and Cafepress b-uncut are cleverly powering up a blog, online gallery [for the crème de la crème of the crop], online open studio community spaces and a gallery shop, with all the usual social trimmings of Twitter and Facebook. Giving art lovers and buyers a chance to find emerging artists work from around the planet and to dig around in their studio and explore the dark matter of their minds.

I’m reminded of my own struggling artist residency days, hammering away in a cold and damp studio, into the night. Feeling it was just me and my art and a whole art world against me. That’s a big mountain to climb. The internet was a million miles away for me then. I would have loved to finish for the night, upload my work in progress and share it with a few like minded critics to see what they think. It’s pointless flogging a dead horse, but it’s great to know your backing a potential winner.

b-uncut is about giving emerging artists a chance to develop, thrive, talk to their peers and earn a modest living. To get established before they die or chop off an ear, to help them to buy Pot Noodles, clothes from charity shops, razor blades, and stamps to mail letters to Theo in Paris etc. With 80% of each art sale going to artists they get a pretty good art deal; the traditional market I understand is something like 50 percent or less. This will turn a few clipboard heads I’d imagine. Twist some of them off I hope.

Sure anyone of the one thousand strong studio community of self-proclaimed artists could drop in to Etsy, Ebay, Zazzle, Cafepress, or even my good old friend PhotoBox and hop on the quick selling ship and sell a few mugs. But that that leaves them alone in the world. Central to the b_ucut philosophy is a support network of like-minded artists talking to each other, creating niche genre groups and collaboratively floating and voting the best to the top. Only the best as voted by the community [and with a little curating by the b_uncut team] make it on to the interactive online gallery walls. I like that. I also like the non-exclusive nature of the b_uncut beast, allowing the best crème eggs [artists] to achieve exhibition nirvana and to get pickled up by the big wig galleries if their work warrants the prize. b_uncut are not standing in the way of success they are nurturing it.

Credit for terrifying image used in this post: 'Baby' by Jason Ellis.

Blogger notice: Under the recently updated terms of the Geneva Convention of all things blogging I must declare my post to be influenced by some small quantities of red wine bribery as supplied by the glass by b_uncut. Not the cocktails as promised mind. I’ve had a night to sleep on it now and feel fine. Here’s a shout to all potential blog bribers and the internet police. Wine doesn’t count. An iPhone or a few hundred quid in a brown envelope would be nice though.

Dirtburg take down the Monarch

2009-11-12T09:14:00.027Z

London hip hoppy superstars get it together again.

Morning campers. I've just dropped the kid off at the childminder and eaten a Pot Noodle for breakfast [the curry one] to clear my head. Out of the blue last week I get a Facebook event alert - Dirtburg are back for one night only at the Monarch in Camden. I'm there. I used to catch these guys all over north London back in the early naughties. It's all a bit of a haze but I remember seeing the Dirt rock at the Spitz, some bar in Dalston and over at the filthy 333. My old mate Arjun and his buddy JC introduced me to the Dirt. You had to be there. Was great to catch up with Arjun, Nadine, Shazzer, Ian, the quiet one, Matt and the Pip lookalike last night. Just like old times. Dirtburg rocked.

Below are a few YouTube video memories. If you like this then download Dirtburg's never released EP on MySpace. Go get it I say.

Why the head f@@@? Turns out the drummer in the band [his name is Nick] is now doing a day job at Wunderman. I like Wunderman. I'm following @WundermanUK on Twitter. It turns out the gig was bank-rolled by them. Weirder still. Someone called Shannon from Wunderman is presenting "What’s going on? Social Media" at the MeetUp I'm off to on the 14th December. What's going on indeed. Small world int-it-er-web.

Don't try this at home & PLEASE don't tell my mum

2009-11-10T10:09:00.034Z

Confessions of a rocket fuelled bad dad.

It was my birthday on Halloween and the weekend after that it was fireworks night. I had some memorable times. Here are a few other stupid and spooky things that happened to me.

I threw a rocket in the air that backfired and exploded up my back passage [stupid and noisy].

I wore a pumpkin on my head [cool I think].

I got stung by a wasp.

I fell asleep [ok passed out] and woke up with a cartoon cock marker-penned on my forehead, red nail varnish, "LOVE" and "COCK" on my knuckles, lipstick [roughly applied] on my face and specs.

Got snapped "hanging out" with my old mate Adam.

I set off a firework in my hand and slightly burnt my hand.

I had a firework war but I was out-gunned.

I fell off a bar stool.

I woke up fully clothed and in my shoes [twice].

The moral of this horror story is don't mess with your friends - they give as good as they get. Take it easy on the witches brew. Don't try this at home. And please don't tell my mum. Thanks to @rpwilson for the photo / makeover.

Cash in the Attic search for lost Hirst shark art and Vincent's fish pickle

2009-11-07T11:38:00.050Z

A post exploring the lost material world of Damien Hirst's shark and Vincent’s alter ego.

Remember recently I told you about my Damien Hirst Shark that's lost in the attic. Well I still can't find it, but it's definitely up there, unless the international art tiddler thieves have paid me a visit. Anyway I'm thinking the best solution to finding and selling my shark is getting the wide-boys from the BBC's Cash in the Attic team to head up there with their flash lights, pin stripe suits and clipboards. I'll be in touch by the usual channels etc. Or I'll just flog it on eBay with the usual sob story. I have a hole in my wallet the size of a mortgage that I need to fill - and to feed some hungry mouths - that's why I'm hawking the shark and selling my prized Triumph GT6 etc.

This week I popped up to my mum and dads for a rare family visit, one of the benefits of almost living on benefits. My mum and dad are lovely people. Life hasn't been too kind to them. My dad has a wonky leg and my mum has MS. But that's never stopped them nor has it stopped them from being ace. They are super generous and have bailed me out of many a hole over the years. Thanks mom n pops. And mom makes the best spicy tomato chutney. I couldn't resist bringing a few more jars home with me to add to my personal pickle mountain.

Thinking I could do something good with the pickle, I endeavored to launch the worlds first ever Twitter pickle contest. Genius. Promoting the contest via my Twitter, Facebook, Twitpic and my blog like you do. A few days in, and with a respectable volume of eyeballs, a few generous re-tweeters, and a lot of chutney fun, I noticed that absolutely nobody had gone to the trouble of actually entering. Hmmm.

I can make several assumption based on the data available and some marketing woolyness --->

[A] That no one [except me] knows how good my mums pickle is and no one loves her.

[B] That my prize value was simply not tasty enough to get people out of bed. Echoing something digital Jedi Matt Morrison from Porter Novelli said at WOMUK’s espresso briefing - about needing king-size round the world trip size prizes to get a king-size reaction. My professional experience in online marketing supports this, unlike my personal micro pickle campaign.

[C] You need to start with a bigger base than my modest circle of lazy friends and followers to acheive a mega viral reach.

[D] Ohh and that you need to be reactive and know when to stop flogging a dead horse, cow, sheep, shark, or pickled tomato.

[E] That you need to combine all the above with a super compelling campaign - as nicely put by the guys at WeAreVI on their very pretty looking blog this week.

[F] Or finally finally that I'm just twittering on to myself, like an schizophrenic with an invisible friend [but the data just doesn't support that thankfully].

Anyway, I decided to change the rules of the game and to shut it down. And I've rewarded the most engaging and interesting twitti-pants with chutney prizes. The winners are frequent re-tweeter and chutney ferret @PipWilson and @vincentstinks a digital nerd with an artistic alter-ego, who in his altered state of artistic-ness, and not unlike the shark man of yesteryear, is selling his work through the Saatchi Gallery, nice work monsieur bixentro.

I'd like to point out to Vincent that owning a Hirst shark doesn't necessarily make you a materialistic whore. I was just a canny kid in the right place at the right time that landed a little big fish. I'm letting it go [to the highest bidder] for elastic rather than plastic reasons. If and when I sell it, I'll give at least a small percentage to a charity of my mum’s choosing.

Legal fluff: If anyone actually enters the chutney competition naturally I’ll honor the terms of the contest and prizes, from the aforementioned chutney mountain. The closing date is midnight 15th November.

Win a jar of my mums spicy tomato pickle

2009-11-05T12:12:00.012Z

I've just been rummaging around in the attic for my Damien Hirst plastic shark so I can flog it on eBay. Could not find it. I did find a box of my adult toys so I thought I'd have some fun rather than looking for a job / flogging stuff.

So no kidding then. A jam jar full of my mums spicy pickle up for grabs. It could be yours. It's fantastic with cheese. All you have to do is send a tweet to me at @benferrier cramming in as many toys as you can see above in to your tweet. More info available here on Twitpic.

Please RT btw. As a special bonus I'll put everyone that re-tweets in to a cowboy hat and randomly pick a runner up. The runner up wins a slightly smaller jar of the same spicy heaven.

You'll need to be clever with your 140 characters and with the toys you list. Competition closes midnight 15th November. I'll post both winners a jar of the spicy stuff anywhere in the World. Judges [that's me] decision is final on all counts. Winner will be notified and asked for mailing details by Twitter DM and announced here and on my Twitter. Naturally all your details will remain confidential and I won't flog them on to anyone. Etc.

If you are not on Twitter you are slightly behind the times, but no prejudice here. Feel free to leave your entry in the comment box below in no more than 140 characters including @benferrier and spaces e.g. "@benferrier battleship, green thing, wood thing, plastic thing, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah".

P.S. If you want to buy a 1973 Triumph GT6 in stunning sapphire blue check this out... My car is sadly for sale.

Top Secret Twitter Lists Leaked

2009-10-28T22:53:00.014Z

I've just been given access to Twitter’s spanking brand new BETA lists. Twitter asked me not to tweet them. So here they are on Flickr and on my blog.

If this is really a BETA and not just a leak baiting exercise then frankly I'm disappointed there is nowhere to send my feedback and ideas back to Twitter HQ. I'm still slightly honored mind.

So far pretty neat. I have three broad niche interests 1. Marketing and the web, 2. Art and design, 3. General stupidity. This is going to be really useful to classify my twits, cut through the twitter mist, find and share the good stuff with the right people.

So wasssup?

Managing your lists could do with a little tweaking. As could adding folk to lists and knowing which folks are already in lists. It would be useful to add a description for your lists. And my god, those poor suckers with tens of thousands of followers may as well start again.

Idea: Would be super-cool if you could broadcast tweets to specific lists. Call it a relevance filter.

Did I miss this on Mashable BTW?

The mummified mouse in a vintage tortoise trap

2009-10-23T09:28:00.035+01:00

Something dead funny for the squeekend

If you follow me on Twitter, Facebook or FriendFeed etc you’ll probably know all about the cunning cat that nobbled my lunch yesterday. Dam that hungry thieving cat. Anyway that got me thinking about the headless mice that the blood-thirsty cats keep bringing in. And I remembered the tail of the emaciated mouse...

This time last year we were raiding the outlaws attic for a vintage pram and vintage pushchair and dusting them down when we stumbled upon a box of musty vintage toys. Don’t ask me about vintage toys, chairs and eBay btw, that’s another long tale for another day. Judging by the droppings and gnawed nature of the fluffy bears in the musty box, most of the stuff had been nibbled by mischievous mice or rats.

Anyway, to cut the grisly tail short, hey presto, we found the mouse, jumped on a vintage Ercol chair, the perpetrator had been literally caught in the act. We estimated via DNA / crime lab testing / guessing etc that this mummified criminal mouse has been trapped in his vintage plastic tortoise tomb about 25 years. Cruel. Priceless. Taking the Mickey Mouse. Vintage. I wonder what he’d fetch on eBay? Should I submit it for Frieze 2010?

Why Frieze is Still Playing David Beckham and Missed a Trick Shot

2009-10-20T07:37:00.020+01:00

I just read over on Artinfo.com that sales by young emerging artists were pretty good at the Frieze Art Fair. Which is nice. Hmmm. Reading between the lines of this bacon saving, I'm reading something more along the lines of "Art world struggling to sell stale art but managed to sell a few tit-bits". IMHO [and unless I totally missed something?] the show was not ‘hot’ and properly lacked guts. Where was the X-Factor, the bleeding edge and the genetically modified new blood? With a broad brush I’m saying that irrespective of age or emerging status, the majority of the Frieze fair art was actually bad monkey art grade unimaginative tosh.

Bouncing out of a recession Frieze 2009 was an opportunity to blow people and the cobwebs away, and to try something new. Let’s look at the spin picture another way, with the same devastatingly broad brush, the art world is founded on the principal of the Emperors Clothes, the opinion of a few and sales hype regurgitated and force fed down the throats of the beautiful people by clipboard clutching hawks. Absolutely there was some well executed and cool classical stuff going on at Frieze but blow me it was hard to find in the herds. Frieze is about art for walls [and floors], not art on walls. And sure it's fine to play David to pull the crowds. But moving on, where was the weird, wired and wonderful? And why doesn’t it sell, that’s the problem. The art herd needs a new LED powered sheep dog to lead it, and a new tune to whistle. Frieze you missed a trick, you old [show / sheep] dog.

Read my further Frieze Art Fair rantings ---> Freak Show at the Frieze Art Fair.

Freak Show at the Frieze Art Fair

2009-10-17T17:57:00.036+01:00

Giving the art world a pasting!

I’ve been around the art block a few times and consider myself something of an expert in the art of artistic-mess. I’ve been an artist properly and lived on the poverty line and eaten rice with salad cream. I even sold a few bits n bobs, once to the bird who invented the Telly Tubbies and once to the guy who was chairman of the arts council at the time. Damon Albarn’s mum even paid my studio a visit once.

I’ve worked in the art world online for a dot com boom company selling limited edition artist prints. I met some of the big names and even spent a day at the shark mans house. I helped make his Eyestorm exhibition studio installation and was called upon to re-construct it when the cleaner tidied it up, thinking Hirst's window display [see slide 18] was a big mess left over from the exhibition opening night. Comedy. The truth revealed. And that's where and when I got Hirst to sign my own mini Physical Impossibility of Death in the Mind of Someone Living plastic shark art.

Way back in the day I ran around naked with a guy called Alex playing football with a basket ball and other exhibits for goal posts after a boozy private view at the Decima Gallery. And once I got sent home by porn peddler Gavin Griffiths for getting inebriated on opening night cocktails. Think I got a kiss out of Tracy Emin at the Islington Design Centre, but that could be the wine too. I even met Bez from the Happy Mondays and kissed his wife/bird/girlfriend [I was never that sure which one & slight non art tangent].

Once upon a time many moons ago I had a studio in Colchester, then one in Cambridge and then one in gun-toting Dalston. I’ve got my own collection of art that’s probably worth a few bob too, by some of the above and some great artists of my time. I got lucky and got them cheap, because I got what I liked when it was fresh and new. Even Banksy’s first ever commercial rude copper print that I picked up for a song and now it’s worth a small bomb. So in many respects I feel I’m qualified to speak my mind; it works so many different levels etc. My BA honours in Fine Art stands for Bad Attitude [honestly] in Farty Art today.

I paid a whooping sum for a pair of tickets to the Frieze Art Fair in Regents Park and went along today [yesterday now] for what I hoped would be an inspiring day out with the family. Thank f*** I got my tickets 2 for 1. After pumping £6 in to the parking meter too. The best value for money today by far was the £11 for one coffee, a cold drink and 2 sticky buns. Ouch. And WTF is going on art world!

What of the Frieze art then?

Notwithstanding a few classics, like a stunning Gary Hume bird painting, and a couple of hidden gems; namely the chess wall of the world and some amazing David Shrigley prints [a snip at the asking price of four thousand Euros a pop]. The rest of the floor show excited me as much as a trip to IKEA, and I didn’t even come home with an ice cube tray. The most engaging artwork for me was the bins. I was blown away by one rude old art world hag clutching her clipboard who snipped "You wont let her touch it will you" talking about my little girl that was running rings around a painted tree. Bitch. It's a bloody tree painted white.

Now I know Frieze is a commercial show but still please, lighten up, liven up and try and blow me away with some NOISY stuff. Not this same old same old static fireplace tish tosh. In the good words of a good friend [@diggz] that I bumped in to on the day "Where’s all the interactive stuff" or words to that effect. Hasn’t the world of art moved on since I last paid it a visit? Frankly I'd say nearly half of the tish-tosh at FAF falls in to the "I could definitely do better with a paint brush stuck up my ass" category. I’m genuinely saddened to hear the art world is recovering from the recession and people are buying this shit. Wake up you beautifully dressed shoppers, buy something you really love, don’t fall for the white-washed sales pitch.

Before you go be sure to read why I think Frieze is Still Playing David Beckham and Missing a Trick Shot.

A few hidden gems and some tish-tosh...

Magnetic cars to decelerate climate change

2009-10-15T18:18:00.019+01:00

I read recently on Econsultancy about great ideas, and how they are born out of problem solving. The examples interestingly were Ford and Microsoft starting out with something but ending up with something else that is much bigger. We’ve got a problem right now, and that’s why I’m writing my post in support of Blog Action Day 2009. This years worthy BAD theme is Climate Change. A hot topic. See my previous post with a terrible video to find out what it's all about.

So in the spirit of problem solving, BAD ideas and stupid ideas I thought I’d invent something that contributes to solving the climate change problem, sticks to my broad niche subject matter of stupidity and is fun, childish and maybe just a little bit genius.

We all (middle classes and above) drive cars and drive them on the roads. Sometimes like maniacs, sometimes like frightened shrews and frightened mice and sometimes relatively sensibly. Typically getting from A to B as quickly as possible to and from the shops, school, up and down the motorway, out and about, you know the kind of thing. Quite a lot of you have sat-navs and mobile phones and they are even talking about tagging and taxing cars based on the miles you travel. Tax is a problem, people falling asleep and driving like mentalists is a problem, traffic jams are a big problem and terrible gas guzzlers. Sometimes it really would be cheaper and easier to fly, but that’s all changing too. You get taxed for flying and the fuel costs a packet, and comes all the way from god knows where. Flying is dead.

The future seems to be trains, but they are unreliable, expensive, overcrowded cattle-shed carriages full of noisy chavs, or miserable as f**k commuters. Trains have a coal pumping legacy too. Evil things. Another problem is they only go A to B, so you cant pull over to pick up stuff from the off-licence on the way home. Trains have one good thing going for them - one engine pulling lots of carriages. Talking about pulling power, electric and hybrid cars are in vogue, just ask the Future Laboratory or Hyundai or get one of those sporty Teslas. Those hybrid and electric cars are flawed though, we all know where electric comes from and the battery runs dry leaving you high and dry. Fuel is a problem. So until Doc Emmett from Back to the Future comes back 2 us with his blue-print for the Flux Capacitor Bio Waste version mk2 thingy we need to work on another problem, efficiency.

Today I’m sat on a slow train polishing off my post. The train is most definitely not flying, although I’m dressed a little like Marty McFly today and I'm sort of in the future because I posted my first draft yesterday. If you see what I mean. Flying cars, now there’s a great idea. But its just a dream right? Pig's might fly? Not if you believe this bull-sh*t about the US military flying around in armored flying cars that I found over at PistonHeads. I thought pigs flew, not soldiers.

So considering all of the above and the poor changing climate with a hole above. The solution is obviously a super mash up thing. Drum role please as I present to you Magnetic Car Trains or MCT’s as I’m sure they will come to be know when they hit the streets. Its really very simple, inspired by childishness (those magnetic wooden trains actually with magnets and wooden tracks. You know the ones I mean). How the heck does it werk? Like Kraftwerk, there a little bit of robotery (see spotify:track:5eqZWYQ5tbIehx00NeKXz7) and basically some big mega industrial magnets, ideally the type you get in scrap yards or James Bond movies with a big lever to make them come on and come off again, and drop the baddies in to a crusher or in to the sea.

So at the front of your car you have positive and at the back you have negative polarity. What you do is drive your MCT as if it were a normal car, like a maniac if you like, use your sat nav or robot powers to detect cars going to the same place, drive up the back guided by lasers or just extreme caution on entry level models, and Bing you hook to the car in front positive to negative. Then you have your basic car train. Through technological NASA wizardry the car in rear will cut power and simply be pulled along. And other cars that want to join the train of eco magnetic love can hook up to the end of the train if they want to go further, or hook up to the front and assume the engine role if they want to get off the MCT before. You catch my drift. The complete appliance of science and technology for climate change. As a special bonus some positive on positive (and visa versa) prangs would be positively repelled and eliminated too.

Now maybe you are thinking its not fair for the engine to pay for the power for tugging the train, but this can be resolved simply by mega tech that assigns a fair pull policy and directs cars to the front or back based on a credit system and you could indeed earn MCT points at the same time to redeem against wine glasses and tumblers. Best still there would be a strong case for a green tax exemption based on your increased MCT usage if the big brother tax man ever did decide to stick a black box in your motor. And what happens when the lead car battery is running low? Simply drop out and hook back on at the back of the car train. Hey-presto, lot's of problem solved.

Dear Mr James May, the Lego freak over at Top Gear would probably like this, Hamster would crash it whatever, and Clarkson would doubtless drop a piano or caravan on it. Feasible? Yes I think so, with a little bit of hokery pokery. Come on Top Gear please make one for your next series on Dave. Or if not what about Mr Spock himself Jason Bradbury could this be the big green weird Gadget Show gadget of 2010? Maybe magnetic cars really will decelerate climate change.

Extreme sheep herding and the sheep dipping point of social media

2009-10-07T19:21:00.016+01:00

Welcome Earthlings. The eagle has landed and Close Encounters of the Third Kind are here for real, in your world. Yesterday, I was at The Future Laboratory’s New Normal trend briefing over in trendy new Kings Cross. Nice. Apparently now I’m a freelance journalist. Maybe I am. I’m certainly not working for free right now.

Anyway this New Normal business was good, thought provoking, packed with excellent visuals to keep you awake, free half time coffee, fat people and farting cow gags, and easy to swallow chatter boxing. Actually it’s not the case that cows fart methane, they belch it, and guess what there’s an app for that (well a science solution anyway). I got there an hour into the first session because of a baby dressing disaster and missed the first bit on Snap Shot Britain (Arse - I hope there’s a PDF for that on the LS:N trend site) and most of the bit about Generation Jones, but snuck conspicuously onto the front row just in time for the third bit called Brandtocracies (right up my street). The second session had interesting bits on Prohibition Culture and Homestead 3.0 (who comes up with these names?). And then I went home, had some dinner, put my jim-jams on and went to bed, via the pub quiz. Sadly none of the stuff I’d taken on board during the visit to Kings Cross came up. But unless you’re still hooked up to AOL dial-up or you’ve been hiding behind the sofa since last Christmas you may have noticed that the world isn’t the same place as it used to be and it’s changing, and is fortunately still spinning.

Now there were two completely brilliant visual things I just wanted to steal and pretend they are my own finds, which they are not and they are really quite dated but they are good. And well what’s new to me might just be new to you too so I wanted to share them here completely out of context. The first is the AUDI vs. BMW checkmate thing above (look up). And the second is the extreme sheep herding viral (click behind / or visit my YouTube channel). It was the sheep thing that got me thinking about the stuff I’m into. Art and design and social media and general cleverness and stupidity. So whilst a lot of the stuff the FL boys were waxing off about in the Brandtocracies bit yesterday, like the ‘we’ philosophy that I’m all too familiar with in a previous and current online life, was not so new to me. Maybe to some of the fat cows in the room all that shit was brand new, news even. And maybe just maybe one of them will drive home in their sporty electric car to their practical and eco-aware RFID live and eco-regulated home, slip in to some loose house pants, drink a responsible glass of local wine, munch on a South African banana and a tiny portion of sustainable cheese - or two, take a piss in the shower, slip in to their big hand crafted smoking bed and have a big fat eureka moment. Think it’s a good idea to dip their toes in the social media swimming pool and pay a cheeky swine like me to come in to their world and get down with the people they really need to engage with in a socializingly collaborative, creative and conversational way. Everyone else that’s smart out there seems to be doing the warm social thing, and there’s nothing like following the herd. Word up. Btw, do cigarette companies do word of mouth, or just social cancer?

Idea 4 Good: Blog Action Day 2009

2009-10-05T14:07:00.020+01:00

Blow me. I’m doing something that might change the world, rather than blowing my own trumpet for a change. I’m actively supporting Blog Action Day 2009. This year’s good cause is climate change and it’s happening on the 15th October. Wo wo wo, the climate isn’t changing overnight but this might just make a difference and at the very least it’s a great idea 4 good. Not mine I’m sad to say. Watch this good space and I’ll try and do more good things in due course. This is just a baby step in the right direction, not necessarily a giant leap. I’m not a frog or a flea you know; I’m more of a sloth, a good but slow climber.

In the good words of BAD themselves: Blog Action Day is an annual event that unites the world's bloggers in posting about the same issue on the same day on their own blogs with the aim of sparking discussion around an issue of global importance. Blog Action Day 2009 will be the largest-ever social change event on the web. One day. One issue. Thousands of voices.

DISCLAIMER: I’m absolutely not responsible for the C02 you’ve just pumped off in to the blogosphere by reading this post. Maybe you better say sorry world and get off your carbon pumping backside and do something good too. Jeeeze I'm sounding more like MJ every day.

Half-life of social media trends, Michael Jackson, iPhones, and electric toothbrushes

2009-09-30T00:33:00.052+01:00

Well in a round about sort of way it was whilst brushing my stunt pegs the other day that I stumbled upon the idea of information [or influence] half-life and electric toothbrushes. So here is a quick Oral B-analogy - not aural, what am I the speaking clock? Anyway someone else already had that idea, relatively speaking, quite a short time ago, and look, its virtually dead o’clock, way below 200 meters, already.

Shit stinks and it rots. Every can of bull shit beans on the shelves at Waitrose / Happy Shopper [delete as appropriate - according to your geographic, demographic, iPhone or toaster prefs] has a shelf life, whatever shits in it. Whatever you read on the label the crap within the tin won't ever last forever, but traces of the metal and meat within will linger like toxic waste. However Bad your shit is it’s destined to be sucked up, shit or spat out, and sometimes swallowed - [consumed one way or another]. And swallowing is bad for you - ask your dentist.

What's this electric toothbrush shit mean? There’s nothing in life better than brushing your pegs with a brand new, fully charged electric toothbrush, sporting a brand new head, for the first time. Over time, the more you brush, the more your brush gets bent, the head gets dirty, the battery fizzles and your smiles yellow. Similarly ideas, information, thoughts, trends, information, buzz, hype and absolute nonsense all get spat out, consumed, tired and less effective over time and use [call it popularity] as more and more people [aka the girlfriend / baby / crowd] uses your brush and wear away at the consumables. The same tipping-point b-analogy would naturally work for razor blades.

So what’s my worn out bristly / razor sharp point? Just like the nasty stuff we were shipping off to Brazil and Africa for recycling on the cheap, the bad press lingers, but looses potency over time, like the depleting waste's toxicness, only much faster. So, however good your brush is, however clever your trend or idea was, however popular MJ’s Thriller album was at the time, its not going to be as effective, popular, or potent tomorrow as it was when it hit the moon dancing floor the first time, and will probably be less popular / relevant / newsworthy the day after that.

Depending upon how your shit's distributed and the potency of your shit the half-life can be super short or seemingly infinate and for sure it can be re-packaged, re-shipped or re-charged [like a quickly released greatest hits album to pay for your gold coffin] but it aint never gonna feel the same as the first time and will forever taint popular culture / blow Bubbles / ruin your super-charged death hyped street cred.

Now for all of you numskulls that can’t read between the lines, here is some chatter from Twitter that I think sums it all up quite nicely, in response to a slightly different question posed by a clever guy called Justin. Probably, not definately maybe --->

• By the time something has become a trending topic, clicking on it returns 80% spam. Is there a pre-spam apex for still-relevant hashtags?
• @JustinKownacki I have a theory ---> its called information half-life, trends & electric toothbrushes. Potency depletes over time / use.
• @benferrier You may be right. Which means that (as an extreme definition) by the time anything becomes popular, it's irrelevant.
• @JustinKownacki In immediate period after conception/distribution, a short period of super-charge [hype] then irrelevance. can be re-charged.
• @benferrier At least a topic has increased (post-irrelevance) awareness to help fuel a recharge. But "improved" is never as sexy as "new."
• @JustinKownacki Absolutely - that's why its so nice to use a brand new fully charged electric toothbrush for the first time ;]

Blow me Barack Obama is snooping me on LinkedIn

2009-09-23T20:17:00.006+01:00

Blow me. Barack Obama is [maybe McCain] snooping me on LinkedIn. Proof. As posted on Twitpic.

So I was just checking who's been snooping me on LinkedIn and only the President of the United States of the America turned up in my snoop list, right under the right dishonourable McCain oven chip. Time to upgrade to LinkedIn premium to get to the real truth? Not likely. Apparently I'm just one connection away from being BO's best buddy. White House here I come.

Micro hooker robots taking over the world?

2009-09-22T12:30:00.057+01:00

I love robots. Big ones, small ones, clever ones, dangerous ones armed to the teeth, stupid ones, subservient ones and robots with a social conscience. So I'm taking a look at www.robo.to today after stumbling across it in the New York Times in an article by Jenna Wortham about micro video blogging. It's really quite interesting and this robo creature could take over the world. Unless the real world wakes up one day and says fuck it lets go outside and roll in some mud, it's not like we need more robots.

It's like Twitter meets LinkedIn meets Flickr meets YouTube all in one boiled down n spicy robo-reggae-sauce. The main big deal is the 4 second video status update. You can use photos too. Shoot something and send it in. Update your Facebook and Twitter profile instamatically. Bobs yer uncle. If you shoot over 4 secs it even chops your movie down. Hey presto no fiddly editing. Best of all its super simple and uses some slick 2zero tech with sweet n savoury features.

This things gonna go two ways, it's highly likely to get swamped by porn and bot vid hookers, crammmmmed full of daily dull as dishwater drearyness [I'm already bored of the guy eating food], or people are gonna use it to be super creative ---> in 4 second flat-pack robo style.

Good robo things:

1. Looks great. Sounds great - it's got personality on so many different levels. Almost works great too.

2. Upload 4 sec updates via email works, really fast. And you can get a fresh private mailto address on the fly. Neat. P.S. I don't have an iRobot Phone.

3. Features in simple flexible modules like GoogleMe (sweet), LinkedIn, Google map that lets you can choose zoom level for privacy [or for hookers right down to your favourite back alley]. And no need to click save for everything you do. My mum wouldn't have a clue - in a good way. Mind you failed to get Flickr working (no bother).

Bad robot and annoying stuff:

1. My robo profile page [http://robo.to/benferrier] failed to display the movies I uploaded by email ;-< Plain daft. The same videos work fine in the robo TV mode. Derrrrrrr.

1.1 Actually robo fans the TV mode should be the default view really. The movies r where the robo meal ticket is right? Currently its a bit disjointed and it's a bugger to get to - you'd never know it was there if you didn't find it. Obvious. Obviously.

2. Can not edit the video names / tags once you've uploaded / added them - the only option is to delete videos completely. Not a big deal. Not a big ask? Pain in the rusty robo ass.

3. Embed code for 4 sec vids flips the video inside out. Weird. Actually quite funny if you're using text - hey presto instant geek Greek - or if your face is asymmetrical or if you have a tattooed face [dick head].

Stupid ideas of my own:

1. Suck in Facebook friends, Twitter followers / followings, friend feed chums, noble country-men etc automatically into 'my crowd' - make crowd forming as easy as finding Elton Johns phone number in the men's room.

2. Import my Favourites list on to my profile - from IE etc, Twitter or both. Would be quite cool for LinkedIn, Blogger, Facebook too. Let people know what you're into etc. Has anyone done that already? It's a bit of a spazzer idea int it.

3. Give my robo weapons of mass social destruction. Give him an Androidian upgrade and dusty bins your uncle your one giant robo step away from landing synthetic human kind on Mars. Enuff.

4. Have some robo fun. What about a robo dufus of the day, global mexican robo wave app, robo Guess Who, all you can doodle, say, or do 4 second robo contest.

Right then, I've shared my ideas with the guys @particle on their handy feedback site. Actually I haven't in all this glorious filthy detail. Read my feedback on Get Satisfaction. BTW it was annoying that I had to sign in separately to feedback using GS. If only I could sign in with Twitter, Facebook, Google or my Robo details etc would have been nice. Grumbling bastard aren't I. Look forward to seeing this lot sorted out by this time next week.

Go robo. Thanks.

UPDATE 23rd Sept: Great service in response to my feedback to the guys at robo.to. Seems my profile card videos are working for you humans out there in the inter-world, but not for me when I'm logged in. Here's a shot of my robo page as it should look like all the time above and when it's buggy below..

Drawing the week to a frightening fishy end

2009-09-18T12:36:00.010+01:00

Drawing the week to a close with one final blast at permanently scaring my daughter with Billy the Fish meets Dracula (see above). She's really getting the hang of this. Now the great fart debate ---> Fish and chips or curry for supper tonight?

50 something funny Twitter strips

2009-09-16T10:02:00.007+01:00

I've become something of a Twitter addict and this made me chuckle brother. A fat 50+ thick collection of comic strips about Twitter over at Cheth Studios. Take a peek, have a giggle. Don't take life to seriously.

Are art teachers freaking out the kidz?

2009-09-15T14:12:00.060+01:00

Breaking yet another, actually two of the seven deadly sins of blogging, again... Here are a few sketches from today's killer cat drawing session with the nipper, who's learning to recognise shapes and words (eyes, legs, ears etc), to put pen to paper in the right (and wrong - see below) places, and to keep her crayons* within the lines. Posing a few questions I'm not one hundred percent sure I know the right answer to, from a responsible parenting point-of-view at least. *Medium un-specific - note the use of felt tip on paper in these works.

Drawing in the lines vs outside the lines: Is teaching children to draw within the lines stifling creativity, or just a natural process? Nuture vs. Nature etc. Can you force creativity? Should you force it? I'm thinking inside vs. outside-the-line / outside-the-box or wild-sky-thinking ---> whatever the latest buzz word is. It's all just a big bunch of stinking cods-wallop anyway. I'm sitting on the wall, with my spray can at the ready and just letting this creative river flow baby.

I'm loving the slightly in and slightly out the line thinking in these sketches, and her interpretation of the subject matter works on so many different levels. The best part is when her drawing extends off-the-canvas on to her hands, face, legs, clothes, me, my hands, my arms and my clothes. Is this an early sign of my child understanding the concept of trompe-l'œil? Is she the next (she) Banksy, or should she/I be locked away with the Prinzhorn Collection?

Freaking out the kidz: I just can't help but sketch outlines of freaky scary killer animals for the litte-un to fill in/out. Is she actually trying to scribble the scary monsters out of existence, or is she just following nature innocently? Parenting is all about protecting innocent minds? Well I'm not so sure and anyway what harm can it possibly do. Compared to the above line dancing issue, it's by far the lesser of two very evil cats and surely the toughest cat gets the cream.

Are these drawings or my approach to teaching art worrying you? I welcome the opinion of a qualified child art critic or a psychiatrist. Right she's woken up from her afternoon nap. Time to go throw bread at the ducks and stamp on mole hills in the park.

The worlds smallest mutant tomato

2009-09-14T10:44:00.021+01:00

Introducing the worlds smallest mutant tomato. This wee fella measuring in at about the size of a 2p coin side to side (not end to end) was harvested at the weekend. It's from a naturally occurring small tomato variety but it's mutated to take the form of a pigs swollen knackers, with a eunuch stump. I'm not going to go in to gory detail about the tiny seed. I'm going to eat it soon. Unless I receive any tasty offers in the region of £250 upwards - make me an offer. Due to international fruit-porn restrictions unable to post overseas. Will swap for funny spuds / religious fruit.

If you liked this then you'll probably like this weather phenomenon from @AdamAndDan.

The community mouse catcher

2009-09-10T22:21:00.038+01:00

I'm going to write some show and tell shit here about the freaky mouse fearing family down the street who are completely shit scared of live mice, or too posh to pounce. Sorry Pete ---> You know how inappropriate I can be. Please don't sue me.

To save community embarrassment / neighbourly shame / fun poking at the local pub, let's just call him neighbour "P", knocked on my door and asked me if I would come over and catch a potentially murderous mouse - because he's seen me holding a mouse the other day on my doorstep (quite true, don't ask). I thought it was a fantastic rouse to get me out to the pub for a few beers. Nope. So after copious amounts of "Are you serious?" it transpired quite seriously they had a mouse in the house.

Quote neighbour "P" ---> "I'm a record producer, I don't catch mice" or something like that.

Anyway after cornering the harmless furry rodent they didn't want to touch the thing and they wouldn't let the cat at it. In the process they'd turned the conservatory (not just any conservatory mind) totally upside down - sofas, rugs, coffee tables, the whole designer works. All on its head. Really it was like a kids play room / earth quake. Unbelievable. Royalty. Anyway problem quickly solved. Offending mouse dutifully picked up and lobbed over the patio wall in to the orchard (not just any old garden). He'll be back mind, with his mates, guns and knives ---> See artist's impression above. I'm sorry I laughed in your faces and asked if you'd been taking LSD in front of the kids. Jeeesus. Pussies.

So if you're in a tight mouse hole / spot and nobody else can help you. Just send me a fax or call and I'll be straight over to catch your mouse and sort you out. 0800 MOUSE CATCHER.

UPDATE ---> Because every tale should have a meaningful ending and one or two morals. Here are my mousey tail's salient points; 1) It's great to know you have a special skill that the community can call upon, even just once in a lifetime and even if your special skill is mouse holding, it's well funny and great that people can call upon you in times of great need. 2) Protect the weak and love thy mice fearing neigbours. That'll do micely.

P.S. Note to self. Remind me to write and update on the great Damien Hirst art crime story, including The Telegraph art cock up of the century, and to let you in on Becks plans to roll my "Dicks" design as the new bottle label globally! See my amazing Dicks entry and @Becks_Beer 09/09/09 for the scoop.

Holding Hirst's pencils to ransom

2009-09-04T14:24:00.016+01:00

Love this art crime story from 100Artworks. Funny, crazy and a bit mental. I've actually gotta lotta respect for Mr Hirst and his own bottle... Long story. You just have to admire this street kids cheek though. The fullish story below as reported by 100Artworks today.

And read on if you want to buy a plastic fish by the shark fin soup man himself. ---> No kidding a real Damien Hirst shark for sale.

Cartrain has Stolen Damien Hirst's Pencils Theft or Ransom?

16 year old graffiti artist Cartrain walked into the Tate Britain (London) and removed a packet of pencils from one of Damien Hirst exhibits. Damien Hirst and Cartrain have a long-standing rocky history. Earlier this year Hirst targeted the young graffiti artist Cartrain using Design and Artists Copyright Society (DACS) for breach of copyright infringement on his latest series of artworks being sold via 100artworks.com.

The box of very rare "FABER CASTELL dated 1990 Mongol 482 series" pencils were removed from Damien Hirst's "PHARMACY installation" by Cartrain on Thursday the 2nd of July around 4pm. Not long after the pencils were removed from the installation a fake police 'appeal for assistance' posters appeared all around London.

This is the latest in a string of events surrounding the feud between the two artists. It began when Damien Hirst contracted the Design and Artists Copyright Society (DACS) to send a string of legal letters to Cartrain's art dealer Tom Cuthbert at 100artworks.com in regards to Cartrain's series of artworks 'For the Love of God'. The online gallery surrendered the artworks to Damien Hirst with a verbal apology. The legal grounds in which Hirst requested the artworks are very questionable and the story spread across the Internet like wild fire. The Independent, The Times, The Telegraph, The Guardian, The Daily Mail, Popbitch and many other online blogs reported it.

The urban art communities are currently heavily debating the actions of Cartrain and what his next steps will be. Is this a random act of vandalism or a calculated guerilla art stunt? Only time will tell.

Cartrain's Demands...

For the safe return of Damien Hirst's pencils I would like my artworks back that DACS and Hirst took off me in November. It’s not a large demand. He can have his pencils back when I get my artworks back. DACS are now not taking any notice of my emails and I have asked nicely more than five times to try and resolve this matter. Hirst has until the end of this month to resolve this or on 31st of July the pencils will be sharpened. He has been warned.

---> More on this art crime story. And don't forget to enter your own childish art in to my very own international talented street urchin and streetwise elephant art competition.

P.S. Real plastic hirst shark for sale

Let me know if you want to buy a unique completely authenticated 100% real plastic shark signed by the shark man himself. Like I said, a long story. Serious bids starting in the region of £150,0000 considered. Leave yer bids below. I just can't be arsed to stick it on Ebay.

LEGO house by James May design wizard

2009-09-01T19:41:00.009+01:00

I saw this brick shit on Design Milk and thought how stupid but how brilliant. Most titillating is that James May is mentioned as if he's some kind of design wizard and not the big kid that we (in the UK) all know him to be. Neat though hey. Totally stupid though. What next from mr May? A yellow brick road? LEGO house by James May in the UK. Posted using ShareThis.

UPDATE 23rd Sept: OMG they are going to shred it with a chainsaw! Tossers. What a stupid idea. Read all about it and see pictures of the finished thingy. Plus comments from some very grumpy lego fans at www.brothers-brick.com.

Putting glorious spam in the spotlight

2009-08-27T00:40:00.018+01:00

Is Eric Cantona the king of spam?

It’s been a wee wee time since my last post. I’ve been up to stuff. Stuff that means I'm checking my mail like a seagull relentlessly chasing a trawler looking for a tasty tit-bit, and I realized I that I seem to be getting inundated with the old spam.

I’ve come across a whole lotta spam spam glorious spam and it just keeps coming all day and all night long. Without usually giving spam the time of day I tend to just hit the delete button and blast it from the spam folder straight in to eternal spam hell. Hurray, no spam here! I don’t need that Viagra stuff, dating tips, handy advice for the bedroom stuff, another worthless degree, and I really don’t want a cheap Rolex at any price. Well that’s what I thought until I noticed that some of that spam stuff is pure gold. I thought, long and hard, and I started to see the wood for the trees, and realized that I should be putting some of the inglorious spammer bastards sh*t in the spotlight. So I have been collecting (preserving / dry curing etc) some choice cuts of fine spam.

Sure we can live without Mr Spam’s pestilence but lest we forget his/her relentless and occasionally truly creative efforts. Sure enough most of his/her work is worthless junk but you just have to confess that some of that stuff is award winning puerile genius, and some of it is really quite weird, a bit like the idea of cramming a dead pig in to a tin can, and certainly as mad as Eric Cantona.

Anyway below are a few recent unforgettable (subject) lines - the all new hall of fame for spam if you will. I’ll keep this up to date for as long time as I can keep it up or until the spam river runs dry. Thinking about it, Mr and Mrs Spam of Spamalottaville must be having a totally spamtastic time, generally rolling about laughing, writing loads of spam and creating occasional priceless porkers. You’re not exactly up for the Booker Prize but I’m a fan. Write again soon Eric.

Preserved spam: the spam hall of fame

21.08.09 ---> Gain the full control over your drilling machine

22.08.09 ---> In a Sieve we'll go to sea

22.08.09 ---> Get the longest banana

23.08.09 ---> Support your custard launcher

24.08.09 ---> Be a love rhino

24.08.09 ---> Oxford brain-test

25.08.09 ---> He found a crooked sixpence against a crooked stile

26.08.09 ---> Put your cork in every girl that your dream of!

27.08.09 ---> From now you don't need a crane to raise your instrument up

28.08.09 ---> Viagra Soft Tabs

01.09.09 ---> Maniac cut Hefner's balls

02.09.09 ---> Join online massacre

03.09.09 ---> Want 3D-slaves?

04.09.09 ---> And bells, and buttons, and loops, and lace

And I thought the spam river had really run dry... Until --->

02.10.09 ---> Mate like Clinton!

Just nuts: mental brilliant bike tricks and crazy horse ideas

2009-08-17T13:46:00.014+01:00

Feeling too sick today from mustard and coffee OD and squash court burns but this put a smile on my sorry face. Check out these mental brilliant bike tricks. Danny MacAskill the mentalist on the bike unsuprisingly says "You don't try to drop off 13ft railings right away, you develop a technique. At a certain height, the landing will be heavy, so you just try to hang on." No shit Sherlock. From Wired.

Ohh and in case you missed it - wizzing past at 110mph - check out the one horse power car ---> thanks to @DeleteLondon / Guardian. Now that's a genuinely stupid idea. Completely riddiculous.

Suddenly there is no need for a normality restore button. OMG and I just saw eight UFO's flying in formation - in the sky.

7 deadly sins #1: Lazy spook cat

2009-08-15T10:27:00.009+01:00

By chance on the morning after the night I read the seven deadly sins of blogging and enjoyed the Mashable post about the crasher squirrel I find myself nearly tripping over the lazy spook cat at the top of the stairs. No more babies and animals right. And I promise not to mention the little one's first steps, pushing her new seven pound pink pram from the Early Learning Centre, and the neighbours new squash nosed French bulldog - that would be an unspeakable crime. Please ignore this cute post.

Bad ass creativity: Becks Dicks ad

2009-08-15T00:06:00.014+01:00

My entry to the arty Becks bottle design contest that's running online at the mo. I simply put myself in the mind of a child and let the pen do all the work. Sophisticated, yet simple - see above. For a limited time only you can make your own Becks Dick sketch - see below below below. I'm sorry Becks for p****** on your art parade. I hope I win. BTW if you have any clever, young trunk-sure elephants, tail-ented monkeys or talented kids don't forget to enter them in to the worlds first and last International baby and captive animal art contest.

Stolen stupidness: The nut cracker

2009-08-14T12:58:00.006+01:00

Pure ball breaking stupidity I had to steal. The nut cracker. Watch out Beadles about. From Pocketlint.

---> UPDATE: It seems the original video above has been removed from YouTube by the owner. I can only imagine that his ball busted friend was a bit cross and took legal action for making him look like such a dunce. So I've replaced it with something else that's totally irrelevant to the original subject, but still fairly stupid. I don't think the guys at Pocketlint can be arsed.

Stolen stupidness: Wot no chop sticks?

2009-08-12T17:50:00.003+01:00

Now this is just crazy from Japan. Is this the rise of the machines - Japan's answer to Robo-Cop. Is there a crime fighting Ninja model? Anyway come on its just a mash-up of a road-sweeper and a baggage belt. Rubbish. Wot no chop sticks? The robot that rescues people by eating them - from Wired.

Idea # five: What to do when England get burnt at the Ashes

2009-08-11T23:23:00.020+01:00

Idea # 5: Thanks to a timely prompt from monsieur JR Wossy tweet "When/if I die I would like my ashes sprinkled inside the Haunted Mansion in Disneyworld. No hurry though" . I'm reminded of England's bat for glory wash-out vs. Australia last weekend at Headingly and my need for an alternative to shooting myself. So thinking ahead to next weeks doomed 5th Test at the Brit Oval here's a little idea to keep in your back pocket. I s'pose this ones mainly for boys but at least the girls get an excuse to switch over to the tennis, so thanks all round I expect are due.

The recipe for disaster. Boys, pop out to the shops and get yourself a few cheapo tennis balls, a bat (cricket variety), stumps, charcoals, fire lighters, some matches, a crate of VB (Very Bad Aussie beer), a pen and paper - to write down the rules for "Forget the cricket let's play cricket", a fun and easy(ish) game for all the family.

The rules (because all games have them) and I like rules because they are there to be broken.

1. Invite some friends round to watch the cricket and ask them to bring some "snags or shrimps" and some XXXX.
2. Turn off the TV set. Light the "Barbie" utilising the charcoal, lighter fluid or cubes (depending on what Sainsburys have on offer), and some matches - safety of course first so I suggest chucking a genied box from afar.
3. Leave the "barbie" to burn and have a few beers.
4. When the coals are nice n ready chuck on a few "snags".
5. Wait a few minutes and then chuck on your "shrimps".
6. Have a quick beer.
7. Eat up your "bush tucker" - from a plate would be considered polite, with your fingers is just not cricket.
8. Now set up your stumps at the bottom of the garden.
9. Choose someone to bat and someone to bowl, the rest of your mates are fielding
10. The bowler bowls the tennis balls at the batsman - 6 balls and then rotate with one of the fielders. Unless you bowl the batsman out on the 6th ball which in this game means you get a magic ball to bowl at the new batsman coming in (repeat if he's out for a duck with your golden ball).
11. This games all about staying in, so the batsman only scores one point per ball survived - no need for that tiresome running either this way.
12. Batsmen can score a four by knocking a can of XXXX out of someone's hand.
13. Batsmen can score a six by hitting any can of VB - the more you drink the more you'll score - arrange them anyway you like.
14. Anyway that's about it. Play as many innings as you like (weather permitting) and tot up your individual scores to see who's the winner. Maybe get one of the girls to keep score.
15. Hit the fence and you're out, loose the ball by hitting it over the fence and you is out, knock over your own stumps and you-er out, get caught and howzatt you'z oot, catch an edge that lands in the rose bush and you are out.
16. 100 bonus points for slogging the left over hot coals over in to the (preferably Aussie) Neighbours back yard and setting fire to their gazebo, setting fire to his Guinness top hat, melting his thongs, or landing one in the cargo pockets of his ridiculous baggy shorts. Or just keep the Ashes for yourself.

Idea # four: A few ways to resolve a crushed toe situation

2009-08-07T21:56:00.014+01:00

Idea # 4: This is just a quickie just for fun. If your girlfriend / mother of your child accidentally crushes her toes with an Eames chair give her some sympathy and offer to rub warm oils in to them because it might hurt. If not you could just send her your best webbed toe wishes right here. So my idea this evening is to come up with a really clever way of protecting BIG toes from getting squished under chair legs. And here are a few simple but inventive solutions: 1) Wear chunky shoes 2) don't sit on chairs 3) get freakin over it 4) the plasters and codine based drugs from the chemist are in the cupboard in the bathroom 5) be more careful 6) you are soft 7) get real that never hurt as much as you made out baby 8) it's OK i have some special stuff for them big toes 9) what can I do for you today 10) what can I do for you now. Either way you're toe-tally buggered. Sleep well violent chairs. Stumped if I can think of any good ideas to fix this almighty conundrum.

Idea # three: Tickedy ticky tick tock look at the clock

2009-08-07T16:07:00.013+01:00

Idea # 3: Big Ben click cLock apparently it was 12:34 and 56 seconds on the 07/08/09 today, which is nice. I missed it. It's not exactly as if everyone in the world experienced it at the same time, with GMTV and all that crap anyway, and unless you were sat next to the atomic clock (where is it and how do you get one btw?) was it real time? And what about America? So it got me thinking about other good times. Here's one of mine 66666 genuine miles in my '73 GT6 at 45rpm (OK mph) and with 69 on the re-settable clock. Tickedy boo. Beat that? Another good number (POSSIBLY THE BEST IN THE WORLD) is 55378008 - calculate that and stand on your head - in the corner. I suppose the idea here is just that there's no time like a good time but you are welcome to send me your own clock, speedometer, dial or display snaps and I'll happily tell your timely tale here - any time.

Idea # two: International baby and captive animal art contest

2009-08-07T11:24:00.005+01:00

Idea # 2: Inspired by today's painting with little dot (see above). Enter your baby and animal paintings and sculpture in to the first and last ever baby and animal art contest. Entries must be submitted by posting a link here to a photo of your talented child art or clever animal art. Closes 31st December 2009. First prize is a million squirrel hairs. Judges decision is final (that's me). One entry per nipper / animal that must be submitted by a responsible parent / zoo keeper that's over 18 - well that rules out kids from council estates probably. Look forward to your entries. By submitting images you promise not to cheat or steal art from established elephant or monkey art image archives. Get painting. Get set. Go.

Idea # one: Bad bad bad badness - celebrity blog plot

2009-08-06T15:52:00.022+01:00

Idea # 1: This one's inspired by the recent death of The King of Pop and soccer legend Sir Bobby Robson. And it got me thinking about which celebs going to kick the bucket next and hit the headlines. It's a bit sick and slightly wrong, the perfect ingredients for a bad idea. Basically this idea is a sweep stake with a difference. It's an online game called "Celebrity tweet stakes" and it's a pretty simple thing. Actually its so simple it's easy.

Here's how it works. Send a tweet to someone on Twitter, me for example (@benferrier) with the your nominated next dead celeb and a special tag "#nextdeadceleb". You can even have some fun and tweet the celebrity too (e.g. @wossy) so they know you've picked them, which I'm sure would be nice. Also then double your fun by adding your predicted method of deadness. Here's an example tweet - "@benferrier my #nextdeadceleb is @wossy run over by a taxi." Or if your soon to be dead celeb isn't on twitter yet (meaning they are probably quite old and you are more likely to win) you can just tweet your entry with their name e.g."@benferrier my #nextdeadceleb is Jonathan Ross - tripped at tailors and broke neck."

So if your nominated #nextdeadceleb celeb goes on to die you'll win 1st prize if you can prove you were the first to tweet the next dead celeb (and if judges decide they like you) and win a booby prize if your tie breaker death method prediction is scarily accurate or particularly funny. And of course you have to promise that you won't kill any celebs deliberately just to win, it's just for fun. Only one entry per person etc. First prize is a spin in my car and the booby prize is £5. Easy. Just to be clear only celebrities that die and make it on to the BBC news or cover of Hello count - no B listers here. Ends when all the celebs are dead or when my parents adopt twitter. Whatever you do don't ask me why but go on tweet your #nextdeadceleb today.

Genuinely stupid ideas - Ben Ferrier blog

2009-08-06T11:27:00.037+01:00

Recycling, philanthropy, sharing and swapping are very much in vogue right now. I've been thinking, dangerously, that if I give away my ideas they might be interesting or even useful to someone else. What if I give away a few genuinely good (or valuable) ideas? I'll just run that risk, it will be interesting to see see what happens. Ideas is ideas, they may not be original and possibly bad, they are free and I can always have some more. Either way they will pass and you're welcome to them. I have plenty of them. My first idea is to give away some ideas and see what happens. Watch this (currently vacuous) space...