The community mouse catcher

I'm going to write some show and tell shit here about the freaky mouse fearing family down the street who are completely shit scared of live mice, or too posh to pounce. Sorry Pete ---> You know how inappropriate I can be. Please don't sue me.

To save community embarrassment / neighbourly shame / fun poking at the local pub, let's just call him neighbour "P", knocked on my door and asked me if I would come over and catch a potentially murderous mouse - because he's seen me holding a mouse the other day on my doorstep (quite true, don't ask). I thought it was a fantastic rouse to get me out to the pub for a few beers. Nope. So after copious amounts of "Are you serious?" it transpired quite seriously they had a mouse in the house.

Quote neighbour "P" ---> "I'm a record producer, I don't catch mice" or something like that.

Anyway after cornering the harmless furry rodent they didn't want to touch the thing and they wouldn't let the cat at it. In the process they'd turned the conservatory (not just any conservatory mind) totally upside down - sofas, rugs, coffee tables, the whole designer works. All on its head. Really it was like a kids play room / earth quake. Unbelievable. Royalty. Anyway problem quickly solved. Offending mouse dutifully picked up and lobbed over the patio wall in to the orchard (not just any old garden). He'll be back mind, with his mates, guns and knives ---> See artist's impression above. I'm sorry I laughed in your faces and asked if you'd been taking LSD in front of the kids. Jeeesus. Pussies.

So if you're in a tight mouse hole / spot and nobody else can help you. Just send me a fax or call and I'll be straight over to catch your mouse and sort you out. 0800 MOUSE CATCHER.

UPDATE ---> Because every tale should have a meaningful ending and one or two morals. Here are my mousey tail's salient points; 1) It's great to know you have a special skill that the community can call upon, even just once in a lifetime and even if your special skill is mouse holding, it's well funny and great that people can call upon you in times of great need. 2) Protect the weak and love thy mice fearing neigbours. That'll do micely.

P.S. Note to self. Remind me to write and update on the great Damien Hirst art crime story, including The Telegraph art cock up of the century, and to let you in on Becks plans to roll my "Dicks" design as the new bottle label globally! See my amazing Dicks entry and @Becks_Beer 09/09/09 for the scoop.