Tree things about Stella Artois trading E's for Christmas trees campaign

Saving trees and drinking beer.

Stella Artois today announced their augmented reality "Send a Card, Save a Tree" Christmas ecard campaign. Aiming to plant [or save or something like that] a million trees in the Argentinean Atlantic Rainforest [where the f*** is that], when a million ecards have been sent [wow - how many is that]. A jolly good Stella idea, which nobody can deny [US version] / and so say all of us [EN version].

Here are "tree" things I noticed.

1. It took five [gold ring pulls] to get past the [enter] DOB / location bit to even get started. The connect with Facebook link appeared to do nothing and the page kept locking up - like a mahogany chainsaw jam.

2. To get the whole 3D augmented reality xmas wizard ecard experience you need a webcam [I don't have one Santa!] and a "marker image" [WTF is that Santa?]. You are "present[ed]" with two ways to get the marker image 1. Print it out on your home printer [on paper, erm that's trees?], or 2. Download it to your mobile phone. Now, considering this is a tree-hugging campaign, I'd say the print at home option is a pretty ill-thought-out idea - no?

3. The whole thing is properly overly complicated to use, so not everyone will get to enjoy the full-bodied festive flavour. Definitely not after the 4 pint threshold. The "Claus" is lost in the confusion. There's "snow-way" my mum will get it. A simple "cut-down" version would save more trees?

I don't want to p**s on the Stella Christmas parade. It's nearly Christmas after all; a time for joy and a time for giving. Yes it's absolutely a good idea 4 good, and yes it's full of festive fun, but, maybe, M. Stella jumped the gun and didn't fully think it through? An extra day at the thinking before drinking table is worth its weight in gold/frankincense/mer[d*] [*French / Belgian spelling].

Oh, and like I said in our chat on Twitter, yes I'm very excited about Christmas and especially picking up my "sleigh-n" Christmas tree next weekend [oops!].

My campaign score card:

Goodwill: 5.0 ABV / 5.0 ABV
Execution: 8 pints [too many]
Timing: Good things come to those who wait.
Transparency: Clearly a few million email addresses to plunder is a result in anyone's book / Kindle etc.

Anyway, try it for yourself [responsibly] and tell Santa what you think in the comments box below ---> Go on send an eCard and save a tree with Stella Artois. Just do it OK.

P.S. Stella have not sent me a slab of fizzy festive fun to write this post, but I'd gladly retract some of it for an advent sized [24 x cans] slab of the wife-beater. Or a shiny new webcam.

P.P.S. Stella - have you got a cool "widget" that I can post on my blog for my blog fans to post ecards? [Whatever you do - do not scroll down].

P.P.P.S. Read stuff about other recent online campaigns that are clever - like the IKEA Facebook thing or the SonyEricsson Space Hopper thing.

Carnaby Street Christmas Monsters

Peace loving beasts of Christmas.

I was cutting through Carnaby Street on the way to the Apple Store yesterday to pick up a dangly thing for a friend and stumbled upon these crazy carnival creatures. So Pink Floyd pig. Amazing - if you're in London be sure to float over and check em yourself. I think it's up till Christmas.

P.S. Amazing customer service in the Apple Store on Regents street. I wish I had a Macbook Pro, PS3, iPhone, Gap voucher, or all of the above. If you're thinking about buying me a Christmas present or a blogger bribe [I'm available] you know what to get and where to go. Cash in a brown envelope still perfectly acceptable. P.P.S. Rich - where's my twenty quid.

See this 60's pop set on my Flickr.



Don't just bounce off. Read about some more mad inflatable goings on ---> pop over to my SonyEricsson Space Hopper post.

Space Hopping madness by SonyEricsson #pumpt

Pumping horny balls full of air and interacting with monkeys live on the internet.

The internet came alive again today, with a nifty interactive Space Hopper campaign from SonyEricsson.

Before I go on... Thanks to the nice girl [or boy in a wig] that responded to my tweet "Hey @chiefhopper Please give a Space Hopper a hug. Need a better screen shot for my blog ---> http://bit.ly/6nLoyl #pumpt ;-p". So funny, she gave me a big green one too. I think the chief hopper cracked his monkey whip.

I love it, about as much as the IKEA vs. Matrix thing yesterday, but in a different way. It's simple, genius, interactive, and highly contagious. It's mixing live streaming performance, by real people in a room full of Space Hoppers, with creative direction from the Twitterverse. This is a great example of a mega-budget mobile brand production vs. the on-the-cheap but ingenious IKEA production ---> I think there's an IKEA brand pun in there somewhere.

So the Twitterverse is bouncing ideas to the ring-master AKA @chiefhopper, locked away in a warehouse, somewhere in the real world, and a big screen is relaying the crowd-sourced crazy ideas to a team of white overall-clad SonyEricsson elves [it's nearly Christmas - give me a break - OK let's call them hopper-monkeys]. The aforementioned hopper-monkeys are performing tricks on demand e.g. Space Hopper pyramid building, Space Hopper races, posing for photos, and other cruel tricks [etc] - live on the streaming internet. Monkey business indeed.

Meanwhile, the Twitterverse is pumping life and more monkey-fun [OK air] in to shed-loads of deflated Space Hoppers. More air is pumped with every #pumpt hashtag tweeted. Hey Presto, the more #pumpt tweets you tweet, the more Space Hoppers the hopper-monkeys get to play with.

The campaign is cruel to animals, but I’m struggling to find meaning in the monkey madness. Oh, aside from some playful monkey cheerfulness on a cold, miserable, winter day. Which is nice - much better than going to the zoo. Thanks for the bouncy monkey nuts.

Unfortunately the whole bouncing monkey thing is nowhere near as funny as learning "how to say fu*k you in a pie chart" - which is puerile comedy genius from some crazy ape in OZ, that I also stumbled upon today.

Whatever will tomorrow bring? Dancing giraffes? Paint-balling crocodiles? Swearing snakes?

On Twitter? Hit retweet below [and add #pumpt to your tweet] and we can both have a #pumpt together. Offer expires in about ten days time.

Like this? Have some more inflatable fun <--- click there.

IKEA Facebook campaign vs. The LEGO Matrix

Bricks vs. Clicks - The best sh*t I've seen on Twitter today.

I've just awarded some smart dude called Len Kendall my first ever tweet of the day award for something totally stupid - for Tweeting a LEGO re-creation of the Matrix bullet dodging roof top scene. Luke's award was in the fun bag genius category. With hindsight, the award should really have gone to the creators. Oops, just a small glitch - sorry guys.

Before all that Hollywood cr*p today there was some Swedish genius [wish I could say Norwegian Wood] - the IKEA Facebook campaign that spread like a nasty virus all over the net. A much more down to earth and a low budget production, but cool in some Matrix like special respects.

If you're looking for a brilliantly simple flat-packed example of how to blast out a cost effective, meaningful and impactful social media campaign, this is the one that sticks out ---> like a slow bullet to the head.

No point me parroting the who, where, why, what here is there. You can read all that twaddle on econsultancy, the digitalbuzz, or CNET.

Not only did this IKEA thing get IKEA customers to spread the love sentinels, it went balistic over the blogosphere, on Twitter, and on the marketing for dummies web too.

The Oracle suggests taking the blue and yellow pill today.

165 unsorted links to really interesting stuff to bait blog fans

Take a journey in to my mind.

Hey Rat Fans. I was chatting with some interesting folks at this word of mouth do this week. I mentioned my loathing for all those TOP TEN or BEST FIFTY lists you get on Twitter all the time and hey presto came up with a top idea of my own. I’ve been stashing away a little treasure trove of my favorite interesting pages on the tweb for a little while so I thought I’d share them with you - all 165 of the mouther fraggers. I'm not greedy. I keep getting the blue screen of death on my lappy so this is sort of a link preservation exercise with a twist as well.

Consider my ultimate-list a dip into the stuff I’ve been reading, meaning to read, loved or just liked the look of. Mostly its boring old social media and digital marketing stuff, some arty farty stuff, dirty design, weird and wonderful sh*t, a bit of business baloney, some stuff about start ups, PR and SEO, a bit about blogging, and some stuff I’ve contributed to in one way or another - like this cheeky baby on Fuel Your Blogging tonight.

So basically all I did was export my IE faves in to Excel, chop out some of the weird code and paste it below. It's in raw unadulterated, un-edited alphabetical order. It’s all there one hundred percent - no cheating, no lies.

I did notice that some of my real favorite stuff isn’t actually in my super-link-list, which is a shame because I'd love to big up the cool sh*t and make me look cool [see photo above]. Take a peek below and tell me what you think in the comment box, share it, and re-tweet it like mad. I Hope this #neb165 sh*t is useful. Whatever etc.

Check my Twitter lists for the coolade, arty, and geeky stuff I follow everyday.

Let the ultimate list begin...


'Avin' A Giraffe

- Constructive Grumpiness

10 Cool Non-Design Blogs You Should Check for Daily Inspiration Inspired Magazine

10 Creative Contests Powered by Social Media

10 Essential Social Media Blogs You Should Definitely Bookmark Inspired Magazine

10 Golden Rules of Social Media

10 Ways a Start-Up Can Use Social Media to Market Itself

10 Ways to Archive Your Tweets

11 Outstanding & Fresh Blog Designs You Should Check Right Now Inspired Magazine

20 + mind-blowing social media statistics Blog Econsultancy

20LTD

5 SEO Posts You Need to Read

50 Awesome Robots Abduzeedo Graphic Design Inspiration and Photoshop Tutorials

50 Gorgeous Flash Websites You Definitely Should See Graphic and Web Design Blog -Resources And Tutorials

50+ Most Amazing and Funny Twitter Comics cheth Studios

77 Tips For Starting An Online Business

A smart social strategy to get you up and running … « Start Up Donut blog

a thousand cuts adam cohen's blog

addictomatic Inhale the Web

AddThis - My Analytics

Adverblog - interactive marketing and other great advertising ideas

Advertising, creative, design, digital, media, new media and web jobs.

Alexander John Forsyth - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Alltop - Top Social Media News

Alltop, all the top stories

Alternative Marketing Model

Are we in a Social Media bubble

Babyccino

ben ferrier (benferrier) on Twitter

Ben Ferrier - LinkedIn

benferrier

Best of Twitter 20+ Funniest #oneletteroffmovies

Brand Autopsy

Chris Anderson dismisses newspapers in interview - Brand Republic News - Brand Republic

Church of the Customer Blog

Communications Catalyst — David Mullen on PR, Integrated Communications and Social Media

Conversation Agent Being Connected

crackunit.com iain tait's blog about things

create, finance and distribute in a cross-media world « POWER TO THE PIXEL

Creative Marketing BMW vs. Audi

Current News News Video Clips & Current News Articles -- Current

dare ~ ideas that work

Design Milk

Digit, Simple Human Interaction -

directory 100 technology experts on Twitter Between the Lines ZDNet.com

Driving Traffic To Your Blog 6 Tips To Capture The Linkerati

DuPont's Social Media Campaign Goes Up in Flames... - Advertising Age - Video

Eat Me Daily Food Is Culture

Econsultancy Community of Digital Marketing and Ecommerce Professionals

Embedding Social Media Channels in Modern Web Design Inspired Magazine

Environmental Graffiti Offbeat Environmental News, Not Hip-Hop!

Ben Ferrier | Facebook

Feeding the Puppy

Five Reasons Customers Pay for Content - ClickZ

foursquare

Fresh Resources - new approach recruitment solution

FTC Releases Guidelines for Endorsements (and Bloggers)

Get Satisfaction - People-Powered Customer Service

Getting Your Blog Noticed

Google Wave Invite Pulled From eBay After Bids Skyrocket

grain edit · 50+ Designers on Twitter Our favorites to follow.

Guerilla Art Press - Graffiti Urban Street Prints!

Guide to a Successful Blog Post Fuel Your Blogging

Home - We Are VI - An Innovation-Led Creative Agency

How To Close the Back Door of Your Blog Fuel Your Blogging

HOW TO Develop into a Leader on Twitter « Bit Rebels

How to do a SWOT analysis Start Up Donut

HOW TO Do Good on Facebook

How To Grow Your Fanbase Fuel Your Apps

How to optimise your website from the ground up Blog Econsultancy

How to Social Media Monitoring Impact Marketing Zone

www.lindseypollak.com-archives-how-to-have-a-fantastic-linkedin-profile

www.samepoint.com-blog-p=100

www.wunderman.co.uk

www2.dupont.com-Stories-en_US-index.html

J Y Classics Ltd

Jarlett De Grouchy

Journalists, Online PR & Link Building

Kemp Folds

Love your customer service staff, love your customers Blog Econsultancy

Market research for start ups Start Up Donut

Mashable’s Weekly Guide to Web Development & Social Media Jobs

Matt Morrison explains why social media is inherently marketing resistant « WOM UK

Mattel launches e-commerce portal for various brands - DMNews

Memo to startups stick to solving problems Blog Econsultancy

Microbloggers, Meet the Microvideo - Bits Blog - NYTimes.com

Moving Brands – a branding and digital agency based in London

Neoco digital marketing

Netflix Awards $1 Million Prize and Starts a New Contest - Bits Blog - NYTimes.com

Networking meetings they don’t work, do they Writing, Copyediting, Proofreading and PR

New Media, Marketing, Advertising & Interactive News & Jobs NMA

Nicely Done CSS

Ogilvy PR 360 Digital Influence Blog

Online selling tips (part one) Start Up Donut

Only Dead Fish

Overview of Rev. Alexander John Forsyth

Particle

PistonHeads Headlines

Platform

Point&Anchor

Recruitment - Source Personnel

reirref neb

renedelabre.com

Richard Serra - October 27 - December 23, 2009 - Gagosian Gallery

Rory Sutherland Life lessons from an ad man Video on TED.com

Samepoint Social Conversation Search Social Mentions

Santa Monica BMW's Checkmate - (37signals)

sccope Price Compare. Anytime. Anywhere.

Seedcamp

Seth's Blog Notice me

Seth's Blog Things to ask before you redo your website

Seth's Blog

Should You Write Short or Long Blog Posts Fuel Your Blogging

Showcase of Fresh and Well-Designed Online Shops Design Showcase Smashing Magazine

Social Recruiting

Specialists in creative marketing Recuitment and fashion designing jobs, Creative PR jobs, - Profiles Creative

Spill It How Do You Write Fuel Your Blogging

Stand By Me Community Collaboration « Bit Rebels

Starting a new business - free advice, tools and resources Start Up Donut

Stonyfield Yogurt - Greener Cow Project- page one

Stop.Look.Listen.

Super Obama World

super superficial

SynapticWeb - FrontPage

Targeting a niche market Start Up Donut

technorati Front Page

TED Interview Tribes Author Says People, Not Ads, Build Social Networks Epicenter from Wired.com

The 37 things I want to see on a product page Blog Econsultancy

The 7 Deadly Sins of Blogging Copyblogger

The best in advertising, design, and digital creativity AdCritic Creativity Online

the business of branded entertainment Brand-e.Biz

The Future of Social Media Monitoring

The History and Evolution of Social Media Webdesigner Depot

The Internet Strategist

The New Adventures of Stephen Fry

The Tony Soprano guide to social media Blog Econsultancy

The WOMMA Word

This Five-Letter Word Is Key to Marketing Success B-R-A-N-D Integrated Branding Fast Company

To Blog or Not to Blog Fuel Your Blogging

today in art

tssc - Welcome to the Triumph Sports Six Club.

Turning a crashing computer into a work of art

TWEET IDEAS 13 Things to Do on Twitter Besides Tweet

Twibbon.com - Start Something!

Twitter 101 for Business — A Special Guide

Twitter Followers Statistics by TwitterCounter

Twitter Tips Advice from Evangelist Guy Kawasaki - ClickZ

Twitterific SEO Checklist at Experience Matters

Use your mobile to call up a bargain - Telegraph

Vicious Vitamins

Victors & Spoils - The world's first creative (ad) agency built on crowdsourcing principles.

Vimeo, Video Sharing For You

we are social - social media agency - online PR agency - online word of mouth marketing agency - conversation agency

We Are VI, An Innovation-Led Creative Agency

What is Damien Hirst really up to Jonathan Jones Art and design guardian.co.uk

What's the next Twitter

Where is Koogaloo

Whoa - Ford SHELBY vs CAMARO vs JEEP vs VAZ 2107 vs HELICOPTER (via @pyesawichjr) - Michael Lebowitz

Wired's guide to the UK Twitterati

WOM UK

womma The Leading Voice for Ethical and Effective Word of Mouth and Social Media Marketing

Wonderwall

wunderman Impactful Conversations

www.mydigitaljob.co.uk - Jobs in Digital Media

Community scratching away the art market veneer

The new art crowd eating away foundations of the blood thirsty art market.

After a trip to Frieze a few weeks ago I found an ally, sharing my views on the current state of the art. I must have been one of the first few peeps to stumble upon the recently launched b_uncut art blog.

Last night I just went along to the launch their new online art gallery. Have I just witnessed a revolution or eclipse in art? It's more of an art solar system [with the artist in the middle] and a social evolution. Taking the art bull by the horns it appears [if you believe the hype and wine] that Philip Letts and his blur group have turned the art world on its mob-like horses head. Activating the user generated power of social media and brining the concept of Fairtrade to the aid of artists.

Utilising Wordpress, Ning, and Cafepress b-uncut are cleverly powering up a blog, online gallery [for the crème de la crème of the crop], online open studio community spaces and a gallery shop, with all the usual social trimmings of Twitter and Facebook. Giving art lovers and buyers a chance to find emerging artists work from around the planet and to dig around in their studio and explore the dark matter of their minds.

I’m reminded of my own struggling artist residency days, hammering away in a cold and damp studio, into the night. Feeling it was just me and my art and a whole art world against me. That’s a big mountain to climb. The internet was a million miles away for me then. I would have loved to finish for the night, upload my work in progress and share it with a few like minded critics to see what they think. It’s pointless flogging a dead horse, but it’s great to know your backing a potential winner.

b-uncut is about giving emerging artists a chance to develop, thrive, talk to their peers and earn a modest living. To get established before they die or chop off an ear, to help them to buy Pot Noodles, clothes from charity shops, razor blades, and stamps to mail letters to Theo in Paris etc. With 80% of each art sale going to artists they get a pretty good art deal; the traditional market I understand is something like 50 percent or less. This will turn a few clipboard heads I’d imagine. Twist some of them off I hope.

Sure anyone of the one thousand strong studio community of self-proclaimed artists could drop in to Etsy, Ebay, Zazzle, Cafepress, or even my good old friend PhotoBox and hop on the quick selling ship and sell a few mugs. But that that leaves them alone in the world. Central to the b_ucut philosophy is a support network of like-minded artists talking to each other, creating niche genre groups and collaboratively floating and voting the best to the top. Only the best as voted by the community [and with a little curating by the b_uncut team] make it on to the interactive online gallery walls. I like that. I also like the non-exclusive nature of the b_uncut beast, allowing the best crème eggs [artists] to achieve exhibition nirvana and to get pickled up by the big wig galleries if their work warrants the prize. b_uncut are not standing in the way of success they are nurturing it.

Credit for terrifying image used in this post: 'Baby' by Jason Ellis.

Blogger notice: Under the recently updated terms of the Geneva Convention of all things blogging I must declare my post to be influenced by some small quantities of red wine bribery as supplied by the glass by b_uncut. Not the cocktails as promised mind. I’ve had a night to sleep on it now and feel fine. Here’s a shout to all potential blog bribers and the internet police. Wine doesn’t count. An iPhone or a few hundred quid in a brown envelope would be nice though.

Dirtburg take down the Monarch

London hip hoppy superstars get it together again.

Morning campers. I've just dropped the kid off at the childminder and eaten a Pot Noodle for breakfast [the curry one] to clear my head. Out of the blue last week I get a Facebook event alert - Dirtburg are back for one night only at the Monarch in Camden. I'm there. I used to catch these guys all over north London back in the early naughties. It's all a bit of a haze but I remember seeing the Dirt rock at the Spitz, some bar in Dalston and over at the filthy 333. My old mate Arjun and his buddy JC introduced me to the Dirt. You had to be there. Was great to catch up with Arjun, Nadine, Shazzer, Ian, the quiet one, Matt and the Pip lookalike last night. Just like old times. Dirtburg rocked.

Below are a few YouTube video memories. If you like this then download Dirtburg's never released EP on MySpace. Go get it I say.

Why the head f@@@? Turns out the drummer in the band [his name is Nick] is now doing a day job at Wunderman. I like Wunderman. I'm following @WundermanUK on Twitter. It turns out the gig was bank-rolled by them. Weirder still. Someone called Shannon from Wunderman is presenting "What’s going on? Social Media" at the MeetUp I'm off to on the 14th December. What's going on indeed. Small world int-it-er-web.

Don't try this at home & PLEASE don't tell my mum

Confessions of a rocket fuelled bad dad.

It was my birthday on Halloween and the weekend after that it was fireworks night. I had some memorable times. Here are a few other stupid and spooky things that happened to me.

• I threw a rocket in the air that backfired and exploded up my back passage [stupid and noisy].


• I wore a pumpkin on my head [cool I think].


• I got stung by a wasp.


• I fell asleep [ok passed out] and woke up with a cartoon cock marker-penned on my forehead, red nail varnish, "LOVE" and "COCK" on my knuckles, lipstick [roughly applied] on my face and specs.


• Got snapped "hanging out" with my old mate Adam.


• I set off a firework in my hand and slightly burnt my hand.


• I had a firework war but I was out-gunned.


• I fell off a bar stool.


• I woke up fully clothed and in my shoes [twice].

The moral of this horror story is don't mess with your friends - they give as good as they get. Take it easy on the witches brew. Don't try this at home. And please don't tell my mum. Thanks to @rpwilson for the photo / makeover.

Cash in the Attic search for lost Hirst shark art and Vincent's fish pickle

A post exploring the lost material world of Damien Hirst's shark and Vincent’s alter ego.

Remember recently I told you about my Damien Hirst Shark that's lost in the attic. Well I still can't find it, but it's definitely up there, unless the international art tiddler thieves have paid me a visit. Anyway I'm thinking the best solution to finding and selling my shark is getting the wide-boys from the BBC's Cash in the Attic team to head up there with their flash lights, pin stripe suits and clipboards. I'll be in touch by the usual channels etc. Or I'll just flog it on eBay with the usual sob story. I have a hole in my wallet the size of a mortgage that I need to fill - and to feed some hungry mouths - that's why I'm hawking the shark and selling my prized Triumph GT6 etc.

This week I popped up to my mum and dads for a rare family visit, one of the benefits of almost living on benefits. My mum and dad are lovely people. Life hasn't been too kind to them. My dad has a wonky leg and my mum has MS. But that's never stopped them nor has it stopped them from being ace. They are super generous and have bailed me out of many a hole over the years. Thanks mom n pops. And mom makes the best spicy tomato chutney. I couldn't resist bringing a few more jars home with me to add to my personal pickle mountain.

Thinking I could do something good with the pickle, I endeavored to launch the worlds first ever Twitter pickle contest. Genius. Promoting the contest via my Twitter, Facebook, Twitpic and my blog like you do. A few days in, and with a respectable volume of eyeballs, a few generous re-tweeters, and a lot of chutney fun, I noticed that absolutely nobody had gone to the trouble of actually entering. Hmmm.

I can make several assumption based on the data available and some marketing woolyness --->

[A] That no one [except me] knows how good my mums pickle is and no one loves her.

[B] That my prize value was simply not tasty enough to get people out of bed. Echoing something digital Jedi Matt Morrison from Porter Novelli said at WOMUK’s espresso briefing - about needing king-size round the world trip size prizes to get a king-size reaction. My professional experience in online marketing supports this, unlike my personal micro pickle campaign.

[C] You need to start with a bigger base than my modest circle of lazy friends and followers to acheive a mega viral reach.

[D] Ohh and that you need to be reactive and know when to stop flogging a dead horse, cow, sheep, shark, or pickled tomato.

[E] That you need to combine all the above with a super compelling campaign - as nicely put by the guys at WeAreVI on their very pretty looking blog this week.

[F] Or finally finally that I'm just twittering on to myself, like an schizophrenic with an invisible friend [but the data just doesn't support that thankfully].


Anyway, I decided to change the rules of the game and to shut it down. And I've rewarded the most engaging and interesting twitti-pants with chutney prizes. The winners are frequent re-tweeter and chutney ferret @PipWilson and @vincentstinks a digital nerd with an artistic alter-ego, who in his altered state of artistic-ness, and not unlike the shark man of yesteryear, is selling his work through the Saatchi Gallery, nice work monsieur bixentro.

I'd like to point out to Vincent that owning a Hirst shark doesn't necessarily make you a materialistic whore. I was just a canny kid in the right place at the right time that landed a little big fish. I'm letting it go [to the highest bidder] for elastic rather than plastic reasons. If and when I sell it, I'll give at least a small percentage to a charity of my mum’s choosing.

Legal fluff: If anyone actually enters the chutney competition naturally I’ll honor the terms of the contest and prizes, from the aforementioned chutney mountain. The closing date is midnight 15th November.

Win a jar of my mums spicy tomato pickle

I've just been rummaging around in the attic for my Damien Hirst plastic shark so I can flog it on eBay. Could not find it. I did find a box of my adult toys so I thought I'd have some fun rather than looking for a job / flogging stuff.

So no kidding then. A jam jar full of my mums spicy pickle up for grabs. It could be yours. It's fantastic with cheese. All you have to do is send a tweet to me at @benferrier cramming in as many toys as you can see above in to your tweet. More info available here on Twitpic.

Please RT btw. As a special bonus I'll put everyone that re-tweets in to a cowboy hat and randomly pick a runner up. The runner up wins a slightly smaller jar of the same spicy heaven.

You'll need to be clever with your 140 characters and with the toys you list. Competition closes midnight 15th November. I'll post both winners a jar of the spicy stuff anywhere in the World. Judges [that's me] decision is final on all counts. Winner will be notified and asked for mailing details by Twitter DM and announced here and on my Twitter. Naturally all your details will remain confidential and I won't flog them on to anyone. Etc.

If you are not on Twitter you are slightly behind the times, but no prejudice here. Feel free to leave your entry in the comment box below in no more than 140 characters including @benferrier and spaces e.g. "@benferrier battleship, green thing, wood thing, plastic thing, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah".

P.S. If you want to buy a 1973 Triumph GT6 in stunning sapphire blue check this out... My car is sadly for sale.

Top Secret Twitter Lists Leaked

I've just been given access to Twitter’s spanking brand new BETA lists. Twitter asked me not to tweet them. So here they are on Flickr and on my blog.

If this is really a BETA and not just a leak baiting exercise then frankly I'm disappointed there is nowhere to send my feedback and ideas back to Twitter HQ. I'm still slightly honored mind.

So far pretty neat. I have three broad niche interests 1. Marketing and the web, 2. Art and design, 3. General stupidity. This is going to be really useful to classify my twits, cut through the twitter mist, find and share the good stuff with the right people.

So wasssup?

Managing your lists could do with a little tweaking. As could adding folk to lists and knowing which folks are already in lists. It would be useful to add a description for your lists. And my god, those poor suckers with tens of thousands of followers may as well start again.

Idea: Would be super-cool if you could broadcast tweets to specific lists. Call it a relevance filter.

Did I miss this on Mashable BTW?

The mummified mouse in a vintage tortoise trap

Something dead funny for the squeekend

If you follow me on Twitter, Facebook or FriendFeed etc you’ll probably know all about the cunning cat that nobbled my lunch yesterday. Dam that hungry thieving cat. Anyway that got me thinking about the headless mice that the blood-thirsty cats keep bringing in. And I remembered the tail of the emaciated mouse...

This time last year we were raiding the outlaws attic for a vintage pram and vintage pushchair and dusting them down when we stumbled upon a box of musty vintage toys. Don’t ask me about vintage toys, chairs and eBay btw, that’s another long tale for another day. Judging by the droppings and gnawed nature of the fluffy bears in the musty box, most of the stuff had been nibbled by mischievous mice or rats.

Anyway, to cut the grisly tail short, hey presto, we found the mouse, jumped on a vintage Ercol chair, the perpetrator had been literally caught in the act. We estimated via DNA / crime lab testing / guessing etc that this mummified criminal mouse has been trapped in his vintage plastic tortoise tomb about 25 years. Cruel. Priceless. Taking the Mickey Mouse. Vintage. I wonder what he’d fetch on eBay? Should I submit it for Frieze 2010?

Why Frieze is Still Playing David Beckham and Missed a Trick Shot

I just read over on Artinfo.com that sales by young emerging artists were pretty good at the Frieze Art Fair. Which is nice. Hmmm. Reading between the lines of this bacon saving, I'm reading something more along the lines of "Art world struggling to sell stale art but managed to sell a few tit-bits". IMHO [and unless I totally missed something?] the show was not ‘hot’ and properly lacked guts. Where was the X-Factor, the bleeding edge and the genetically modified new blood? With a broad brush I’m saying that irrespective of age or emerging status, the majority of the Frieze fair art was actually bad monkey art grade unimaginative tosh.

Bouncing out of a recession Frieze 2009 was an opportunity to blow people and the cobwebs away, and to try something new. Let’s look at the spin picture another way, with the same devastatingly broad brush, the art world is founded on the principal of the Emperors Clothes, the opinion of a few and sales hype regurgitated and force fed down the throats of the beautiful people by clipboard clutching hawks. Absolutely there was some well executed and cool classical stuff going on at Frieze but blow me it was hard to find in the herds. Frieze is about art for walls [and floors], not art on walls. And sure it's fine to play David to pull the crowds. But moving on, where was the weird, wired and wonderful? And why doesn’t it sell, that’s the problem. The art herd needs a new LED powered sheep dog to lead it, and a new tune to whistle. Frieze you missed a trick, you old [show / sheep] dog.

Read my further Frieze Art Fair rantings ---> Freak Show at the Frieze Art Fair.

Freak Show at the Frieze Art Fair

Giving the art world a pasting!

I’ve been around the art block a few times and consider myself something of an expert in the art of artistic-mess. I’ve been an artist properly and lived on the poverty line and eaten rice with salad cream. I even sold a few bits n bobs, once to the bird who invented the Telly Tubbies and once to the guy who was chairman of the arts council at the time. Damon Albarn’s mum even paid my studio a visit once.

I’ve worked in the art world online for a dot com boom company selling limited edition artist prints. I met some of the big names and even spent a day at the shark mans house. I helped make his Eyestorm exhibition studio installation and was called upon to re-construct it when the cleaner tidied it up, thinking Hirst's window display [see slide 18] was a big mess left over from the exhibition opening night. Comedy. The truth revealed. And that's where and when I got Hirst to sign my own mini Physical Impossibility of Death in the Mind of Someone Living plastic shark art.

Way back in the day I ran around naked with a guy called Alex playing football with a basket ball and other exhibits for goal posts after a boozy private view at the Decima Gallery. And once I got sent home by porn peddler Gavin Griffiths for getting inebriated on opening night cocktails. Think I got a kiss out of Tracy Emin at the Islington Design Centre, but that could be the wine too. I even met Bez from the Happy Mondays and kissed his wife/bird/girlfriend [I was never that sure which one & slight non art tangent].

Once upon a time many moons ago I had a studio in Colchester, then one in Cambridge and then one in gun-toting Dalston. I’ve got my own collection of art that’s probably worth a few bob too, by some of the above and some great artists of my time. I got lucky and got them cheap, because I got what I liked when it was fresh and new. Even Banksy’s first ever commercial rude copper print that I picked up for a song and now it’s worth a small bomb. So in many respects I feel I’m qualified to speak my mind; it works so many different levels etc. My BA honours in Fine Art stands for Bad Attitude [honestly] in Farty Art today.

I paid a whooping sum for a pair of tickets to the Frieze Art Fair in Regents Park and went along today [yesterday now] for what I hoped would be an inspiring day out with the family. Thank f*** I got my tickets 2 for 1. After pumping £6 in to the parking meter too. The best value for money today by far was the £11 for one coffee, a cold drink and 2 sticky buns. Ouch. And WTF is going on art world!

What of the Frieze art then?

Notwithstanding a few classics, like a stunning Gary Hume bird painting, and a couple of hidden gems; namely the chess wall of the world and some amazing David Shrigley prints [a snip at the asking price of four thousand Euros a pop]. The rest of the floor show excited me as much as a trip to IKEA, and I didn’t even come home with an ice cube tray. The most engaging artwork for me was the bins. I was blown away by one rude old art world hag clutching her clipboard who snipped "You wont let her touch it will you" talking about my little girl that was running rings around a painted tree. Bitch. It's a bloody tree painted white.

Now I know Frieze is a commercial show but still please, lighten up, liven up and try and blow me away with some NOISY stuff. Not this same old same old static fireplace tish tosh. In the good words of a good friend [@diggz] that I bumped in to on the day "Where’s all the interactive stuff" or words to that effect. Hasn’t the world of art moved on since I last paid it a visit? Frankly I'd say nearly half of the tish-tosh at FAF falls in to the "I could definitely do better with a paint brush stuck up my ass" category. I’m genuinely saddened to hear the art world is recovering from the recession and people are buying this shit. Wake up you beautifully dressed shoppers, buy something you really love, don’t fall for the white-washed sales pitch.

Before you go be sure to read why I think Frieze is Still Playing David Beckham and Missing a Trick Shot.


A few hidden gems and some tish-tosh...

Magnetic cars to decelerate climate change

I read recently on Econsultancy about great ideas, and how they are born out of problem solving. The examples interestingly were Ford and Microsoft starting out with something but ending up with something else that is much bigger. We’ve got a problem right now, and that’s why I’m writing my post in support of Blog Action Day 2009. This years worthy BAD theme is Climate Change. A hot topic. See my previous post with a terrible video to find out what it's all about.

So in the spirit of problem solving, BAD ideas and stupid ideas I thought I’d invent something that contributes to solving the climate change problem, sticks to my broad niche subject matter of stupidity and is fun, childish and maybe just a little bit genius.

We all (middle classes and above) drive cars and drive them on the roads. Sometimes like maniacs, sometimes like frightened shrews and frightened mice and sometimes relatively sensibly. Typically getting from A to B as quickly as possible to and from the shops, school, up and down the motorway, out and about, you know the kind of thing. Quite a lot of you have sat-navs and mobile phones and they are even talking about tagging and taxing cars based on the miles you travel. Tax is a problem, people falling asleep and driving like mentalists is a problem, traffic jams are a big problem and terrible gas guzzlers. Sometimes it really would be cheaper and easier to fly, but that’s all changing too. You get taxed for flying and the fuel costs a packet, and comes all the way from god knows where. Flying is dead.

The future seems to be trains, but they are unreliable, expensive, overcrowded cattle-shed carriages full of noisy chavs, or miserable as f**k commuters. Trains have a coal pumping legacy too. Evil things. Another problem is they only go A to B, so you cant pull over to pick up stuff from the off-licence on the way home. Trains have one good thing going for them - one engine pulling lots of carriages. Talking about pulling power, electric and hybrid cars are in vogue, just ask the Future Laboratory or Hyundai or get one of those sporty Teslas. Those hybrid and electric cars are flawed though, we all know where electric comes from and the battery runs dry leaving you high and dry. Fuel is a problem. So until Doc Emmett from Back to the Future comes back 2 us with his blue-print for the Flux Capacitor Bio Waste version mk2 thingy we need to work on another problem, efficiency.

Today I’m sat on a slow train polishing off my post. The train is most definitely not flying, although I’m dressed a little like Marty McFly today and I'm sort of in the future because I posted my first draft yesterday. If you see what I mean. Flying cars, now there’s a great idea. But its just a dream right? Pig's might fly? Not if you believe this bull-sh*t about the US military flying around in armored flying cars that I found over at PistonHeads. I thought pigs flew, not soldiers.

So considering all of the above and the poor changing climate with a hole above. The solution is obviously a super mash up thing. Drum role please as I present to you Magnetic Car Trains or MCT’s as I’m sure they will come to be know when they hit the streets. Its really very simple, inspired by childishness (those magnetic wooden trains actually with magnets and wooden tracks. You know the ones I mean). How the heck does it werk? Like Kraftwerk, there a little bit of robotery (see spotify:track:5eqZWYQ5tbIehx00NeKXz7) and basically some big mega industrial magnets, ideally the type you get in scrap yards or James Bond movies with a big lever to make them come on and come off again, and drop the baddies in to a crusher or in to the sea.

So at the front of your car you have positive and at the back you have negative polarity. What you do is drive your MCT as if it were a normal car, like a maniac if you like, use your sat nav or robot powers to detect cars going to the same place, drive up the back guided by lasers or just extreme caution on entry level models, and Bing you hook to the car in front positive to negative. Then you have your basic car train. Through technological NASA wizardry the car in rear will cut power and simply be pulled along. And other cars that want to join the train of eco magnetic love can hook up to the end of the train if they want to go further, or hook up to the front and assume the engine role if they want to get off the MCT before. You catch my drift. The complete appliance of science and technology for climate change. As a special bonus some positive on positive (and visa versa) prangs would be positively repelled and eliminated too.

Now maybe you are thinking its not fair for the engine to pay for the power for tugging the train, but this can be resolved simply by mega tech that assigns a fair pull policy and directs cars to the front or back based on a credit system and you could indeed earn MCT points at the same time to redeem against wine glasses and tumblers. Best still there would be a strong case for a green tax exemption based on your increased MCT usage if the big brother tax man ever did decide to stick a black box in your motor. And what happens when the lead car battery is running low? Simply drop out and hook back on at the back of the car train. Hey-presto, lot's of problem solved.

Dear Mr James May, the Lego freak over at Top Gear would probably like this, Hamster would crash it whatever, and Clarkson would doubtless drop a piano or caravan on it. Feasible? Yes I think so, with a little bit of hokery pokery. Come on Top Gear please make one for your next series on Dave. Or if not what about Mr Spock himself Jason Bradbury could this be the big green weird Gadget Show gadget of 2010? Maybe magnetic cars really will decelerate climate change.

Extreme sheep herding and the sheep dipping point of social media

Welcome Earthlings. The eagle has landed and Close Encounters of the Third Kind are here for real, in your world. Yesterday, I was at The Future Laboratory’s New Normal trend briefing over in trendy new Kings Cross. Nice. Apparently now I’m a freelance journalist. Maybe I am. I’m certainly not working for free right now.

Anyway this New Normal business was good, thought provoking, packed with excellent visuals to keep you awake, free half time coffee, fat people and farting cow gags, and easy to swallow chatter boxing. Actually it’s not the case that cows fart methane, they belch it, and guess what there’s an app for that (well a science solution anyway). I got there an hour into the first session because of a baby dressing disaster and missed the first bit on Snap Shot Britain (Arse - I hope there’s a PDF for that on the LS:N trend site) and most of the bit about Generation Jones, but snuck conspicuously onto the front row just in time for the third bit called Brandtocracies (right up my street). The second session had interesting bits on Prohibition Culture and Homestead 3.0 (who comes up with these names?). And then I went home, had some dinner, put my jim-jams on and went to bed, via the pub quiz. Sadly none of the stuff I’d taken on board during the visit to Kings Cross came up. But unless you’re still hooked up to AOL dial-up or you’ve been hiding behind the sofa since last Christmas you may have noticed that the world isn’t the same place as it used to be and it’s changing, and is fortunately still spinning.

Now there were two completely brilliant visual things I just wanted to steal and pretend they are my own finds, which they are not and they are really quite dated but they are good. And well what’s new to me might just be new to you too so I wanted to share them here completely out of context. The first is the AUDI vs. BMW checkmate thing above (look up). And the second is the extreme sheep herding viral (click behind / or visit my YouTube channel). It was the sheep thing that got me thinking about the stuff I’m into. Art and design and social media and general cleverness and stupidity. So whilst a lot of the stuff the FL boys were waxing off about in the Brandtocracies bit yesterday, like the ‘we’ philosophy that I’m all too familiar with in a previous and current online life, was not so new to me. Maybe to some of the fat cows in the room all that shit was brand new, news even. And maybe just maybe one of them will drive home in their sporty electric car to their practical and eco-aware RFID live and eco-regulated home, slip in to some loose house pants, drink a responsible glass of local wine, munch on a South African banana and a tiny portion of sustainable cheese - or two, take a piss in the shower, slip in to their big hand crafted smoking bed and have a big fat eureka moment. Think it’s a good idea to dip their toes in the social media swimming pool and pay a cheeky swine like me to come in to their world and get down with the people they really need to engage with in a socializingly collaborative, creative and conversational way. Everyone else that’s smart out there seems to be doing the warm social thing, and there’s nothing like following the herd. Word up. Btw, do cigarette companies do word of mouth, or just social cancer?

Idea 4 Good: Blog Action Day 2009

Blow me. I’m doing something that might change the world, rather than blowing my own trumpet for a change. I’m actively supporting Blog Action Day 2009. This year’s good cause is climate change and it’s happening on the 15th October. Wo wo wo, the climate isn’t changing overnight but this might just make a difference and at the very least it’s a great idea 4 good. Not mine I’m sad to say. Watch this good space and I’ll try and do more good things in due course. This is just a baby step in the right direction, not necessarily a giant leap. I’m not a frog or a flea you know; I’m more of a sloth, a good but slow climber.

In the good words of BAD themselves: Blog Action Day is an annual event that unites the world's bloggers in posting about the same issue on the same day on their own blogs with the aim of sparking discussion around an issue of global importance. Blog Action Day 2009 will be the largest-ever social change event on the web. One day. One issue. Thousands of voices.

DISCLAIMER: I’m absolutely not responsible for the C02 you’ve just pumped off in to the blogosphere by reading this post. Maybe you better say sorry world and get off your carbon pumping backside and do something good too. Jeeeze I'm sounding more like MJ every day.

Half-life of social media trends, Michael Jackson, iPhones, and electric toothbrushes

Well in a round about sort of way it was whilst brushing my stunt pegs the other day that I stumbled upon the idea of information [or influence] half-life and electric toothbrushes. So here is a quick Oral B-analogy - not aural, what am I the speaking clock? Anyway someone else already had that idea, relatively speaking, quite a short time ago, and look, its virtually dead o’clock, way below 200 meters, already.

Shit stinks and it rots. Every can of bull shit beans on the shelves at Waitrose / Happy Shopper [delete as appropriate - according to your geographic, demographic, iPhone or toaster prefs] has a shelf life, whatever shits in it. Whatever you read on the label the crap within the tin won't ever last forever, but traces of the metal and meat within will linger like toxic waste. However Bad your shit is it’s destined to be sucked up, shit or spat out, and sometimes swallowed - [consumed one way or another]. And swallowing is bad for you - ask your dentist.

What's this electric toothbrush shit mean? There’s nothing in life better than brushing your pegs with a brand new, fully charged electric toothbrush, sporting a brand new head, for the first time. Over time, the more you brush, the more your brush gets bent, the head gets dirty, the battery fizzles and your smiles yellow. Similarly ideas, information, thoughts, trends, information, buzz, hype and absolute nonsense all get spat out, consumed, tired and less effective over time and use [call it popularity] as more and more people [aka the girlfriend / baby / crowd] uses your brush and wear away at the consumables. The same tipping-point b-analogy would naturally work for razor blades.

So what’s my worn out bristly / razor sharp point? Just like the nasty stuff we were shipping off to Brazil and Africa for recycling on the cheap, the bad press lingers, but looses potency over time, like the depleting waste's toxicness, only much faster. So, however good your brush is, however clever your trend or idea was, however popular MJ’s Thriller album was at the time, its not going to be as effective, popular, or potent tomorrow as it was when it hit the moon dancing floor the first time, and will probably be less popular / relevant / newsworthy the day after that.

Depending upon how your shit's distributed and the potency of your shit the half-life can be super short or seemingly infinate and for sure it can be re-packaged, re-shipped or re-charged [like a quickly released greatest hits album to pay for your gold coffin] but it aint never gonna feel the same as the first time and will forever taint popular culture / blow Bubbles / ruin your super-charged death hyped street cred.

Now for all of you numskulls that can’t read between the lines, here is some chatter from Twitter that I think sums it all up quite nicely, in response to a slightly different question posed by a clever guy called Justin. Probably, not definately maybe --->

• By the time something has become a trending topic, clicking on it returns 80% spam. Is there a pre-spam apex for still-relevant hashtags?
• @JustinKownacki I have a theory ---> its called information half-life, trends & electric toothbrushes. Potency depletes over time / use.
• @benferrier You may be right. Which means that (as an extreme definition) by the time anything becomes popular, it's irrelevant.
• @JustinKownacki In immediate period after conception/distribution, a short period of super-charge [hype] then irrelevance. can be re-charged.
• @benferrier At least a topic has increased (post-irrelevance) awareness to help fuel a recharge. But "improved" is never as sexy as "new."
• @JustinKownacki Absolutely - that's why its so nice to use a brand new fully charged electric toothbrush for the first time ;]

Blow me Barack Obama is snooping me on LinkedIn

Blow me. Barack Obama is [maybe McCain] snooping me on LinkedIn. Proof. As posted on Twitpic.

So I was just checking who's been snooping me on LinkedIn and only the President of the United States of the America turned up in my snoop list, right under the right dishonourable McCain oven chip. Time to upgrade to LinkedIn premium to get to the real truth? Not likely. Apparently I'm just one connection away from being BO's best buddy. White House here I come.

Micro hooker robots taking over the world?

I love robots. Big ones, small ones, clever ones, dangerous ones armed to the teeth, stupid ones, subservient ones and robots with a social conscience. So I'm taking a look at www.robo.to today after stumbling across it in the New York Times in an article by Jenna Wortham about micro video blogging. It's really quite interesting and this robo creature could take over the world. Unless the real world wakes up one day and says fuck it lets go outside and roll in some mud, it's not like we need more robots.

It's like Twitter meets LinkedIn meets Flickr meets YouTube all in one boiled down n spicy robo-reggae-sauce. The main big deal is the 4 second video status update. You can use photos too. Shoot something and send it in. Update your Facebook and Twitter profile instamatically. Bobs yer uncle. If you shoot over 4 secs it even chops your movie down. Hey presto no fiddly editing. Best of all its super simple and uses some slick 2zero tech with sweet n savoury features.

This things gonna go two ways, it's highly likely to get swamped by porn and bot vid hookers, crammmmmed full of daily dull as dishwater drearyness [I'm already bored of the guy eating food], or people are gonna use it to be super creative ---> in 4 second flat-pack robo style.

Good robo things:

1. Looks great. Sounds great - it's got personality on so many different levels. Almost works great too.

2. Upload 4 sec updates via email works, really fast. And you can get a fresh private mailto address on the fly. Neat. P.S. I don't have an iRobot Phone.

3. Features in simple flexible modules like GoogleMe (sweet), LinkedIn, Google map that lets you can choose zoom level for privacy [or for hookers right down to your favourite back alley]. And no need to click save for everything you do. My mum wouldn't have a clue - in a good way. Mind you failed to get Flickr working (no bother).

Bad robot and annoying stuff:

1. My robo profile page [http://robo.to/benferrier] failed to display the movies I uploaded by email ;-< Plain daft. The same videos work fine in the robo TV mode. Derrrrrrr.

1.1 Actually robo fans the TV mode should be the default view really. The movies r where the robo meal ticket is right? Currently its a bit disjointed and it's a bugger to get to - you'd never know it was there if you didn't find it. Obvious. Obviously.

2. Can not edit the video names / tags once you've uploaded / added them - the only option is to delete videos completely. Not a big deal. Not a big ask? Pain in the rusty robo ass.

3. Embed code for 4 sec vids flips the video inside out. Weird. Actually quite funny if you're using text - hey presto instant geek Greek - or if your face is asymmetrical or if you have a tattooed face [dick head].

Stupid ideas of my own:

1. Suck in Facebook friends, Twitter followers / followings, friend feed chums, noble country-men etc automatically into 'my crowd' - make crowd forming as easy as finding Elton Johns phone number in the men's room.

2. Import my Favourites list on to my profile - from IE etc, Twitter or both. Would be quite cool for LinkedIn, Blogger, Facebook too. Let people know what you're into etc. Has anyone done that already? It's a bit of a spazzer idea int it.

3. Give my robo weapons of mass social destruction. Give him an Androidian upgrade and dusty bins your uncle your one giant robo step away from landing synthetic human kind on Mars. Enuff.

4. Have some robo fun. What about a robo dufus of the day, global mexican robo wave app, robo Guess Who, all you can doodle, say, or do 4 second robo contest.


Right then, I've shared my ideas with the guys @particle on their handy feedback site. Actually I haven't in all this glorious filthy detail. Read my feedback on Get Satisfaction. BTW it was annoying that I had to sign in separately to feedback using GS. If only I could sign in with Twitter, Facebook, Google or my Robo details etc would have been nice. Grumbling bastard aren't I. Look forward to seeing this lot sorted out by this time next week.

Go robo. Thanks.

UPDATE 23rd Sept: Great service in response to my feedback to the guys at robo.to. Seems my profile card videos are working for you humans out there in the inter-world, but not for me when I'm logged in. Here's a shot of my robo page as it should look like all the time above and when it's buggy below..