Major flaw in aussie life preservation plan revealed

Shit mate these fuggers don't work!

Breaking news: Famous aussie scientists that have worked on important science projects such as Mad Max, Mad Max 2, Mad Max 3, Mad Max 4, Mad Max 5, Mad Max 6: Max is really angry mate and just ate Bouncer for breakfast, Braveheart, Home and Away, Neighbours, The Flying Doctors, Prisoner Cell Block H, and BMX Bandits have today revealed that the long-time-loved and cherished national life preservation garment - the all-too-well-joked-about and slightly comedic aussie image [similar to that of Sir Alf Ramsay the former manager of Manchester United [in England mate] and the home of Braveheart] - the "cork hat" does not do the job mate, nor does it provide "Freedom".

According to the Aussie experts, the apparel as worn [with pride and confidence] by upto 98% of the population as governed by HRH The Queen of England] until recent shady changes of government policy in the capital "Sydney-upon-Canberra" and the suburbs nearwith etc] is frankly unfit for purpose. Wearing of such garments [including the recently contrived "Jesus Boots" [that allow aussies to take the floods in their strides and with pride] has been herralded in the Ramsay Street Times and Erinsborough News as wholely unsafe.

Suggestions have been made by respected local citizen, and god-like back-from-the-dead star, Sir Harold of the Almighty Bishop that all said cork based hanging hat gear should be tested first by the "Gallah" son of Madge, Henry Ramsay. Testing should be conducted in the pool in the yard of #32 previously owned by ugly-duckling-cum-swan and suspected dauhter of Nell Mangel [old mate of the now retired Helen Robinson], who we all know and love as "Plain Jane the Superbrain" etc [in a swimsuit of course sheila].

Strewth. Mate. Anyway the moral of the story is that unless your cork hat is endorsed offically by Des and Daph's hat / coffee / flowershop shop its going to flop [float upsidedown mate] and whatever you do do not trust it to save your bacon and eggs when failed pop star Stefan Dennis AKA Angry Boy Paul Robinson comes bashing on your porch door and chucks you in the pool - let us not forget his dad [and now more famous than him] Jim took mushrooms in the bush once upon-a-time.

And [albeit incidentally] Toadfish says hi too by the way - I think he turned somehow into Jack Osbourne in the latest episode [#56789], "Ozzy Osbourne just said his son Toadfish turned in to a celebrity, please get me out of here, before Bez and Shaun Ryder from the Happy Mondays come round and kick off with Jim Robinson because he sold them some crap shrooms, and Bez [the UKs original dancing gallah] crashed my quad-bike and turned me in to a cabbage and made me cry". G'day mate.

Anyway the point is that Mike Young [now a Hollywood bit-part-player called "Guy Pearce" in real life who recently starred in movies such as Hurt Locker and some unforgettable others] and Clive Gibbons [you know the one with the ginger hair] both say "test the cork first mate. Some of those froggy corks are just not up to scratch - try some native abbo wine corks mate". We all know of course that the aussies are inherently racist.

Moving on, after this neighbourly debacle perhaps we can have that floating barbie in the pool - wherever mate - it floats and it's self-stocking with shrimps. Why move out of the suburbs like Charlene and Scott when you can barbie in the comfort of your own pool / flood.

Please do "Confide in Me" if you have any Kylie questions or concerns over the accuracy of this well-meaning post about these dangerous aussie cork hats. I should be so lucky.