Policing the local community

Grab your pooper scooper dooper.

No shit Sherlock. For real. Etc. I've just been elected as a committee member of the Fishpool Street Residents Association - the FSRA - which sounds quite scary. I've loving re-named the coffin dodgers club the Fishpool Street R****** Association already. The FSRA and its curtain twitching members are all too easily abused - as will be my new found special powers. For real they really are a passionate bunch of do-gooding clever old so and so-s. Obviously I'll fit right in. How did this madness happen? I was nominated and subsequently elected for my great work in the community of course. Possibly to curb by breakaway activity for example the various loud n late illegal parties I've organised at the pub, the massively successful Fishpool Street Royal Wedding Street Party, the Half Pint Club for parents and kids [Friday nights and Sunday afternoons at the LRL], formation of a risotto club, my fag-in-hand doorstep street watch [AKA crime prevention] as a stay at home unemployed dad, my popularity with the young folk and the working class, the fact that I'm already the Major of the street / the LRL / the curry house / the Inn on the Park on Foursquare, my community mouse catching skills, etc. They're just jealous and want to be as popular with the kids as I am. If you can't beat em, elect em, is probably what they were thinking. Nuff said. Nearly.

Naturally I can't speak about the initiation ceremony and secrects that were shared with me at the AGM meeting I attended last Friday night. Friday the 13th. A coincidence? I don't think so. Freaky dancing that's all I'm sayin. Very Masonic. I know what you're thinking. Friday night! Pub night! The agenda has to change already. I'll be pitching my own alternative vote for non pub night meeting clashes at the next meeting - that will probably be on a pub night.

Anyway. I'll leave the old dears to continue the genuinely amazing work they are doing to maintain the fabric of our big society and the charming appeal of our wonderful street. My aims are simple. Consider me a mole steering the machine from the inside. My policies are pub and party centric. Not geriatric. Jesus they spent five minutes harping on about the fact that the treasurers accounts were out by a mysterious 54 pee. And later on about the psychology of litter bins - you know bins attract litter etc.

My challenges are: Pick up the giant human turd down the street that is a hideous horrifying blight that has been there for several weeks now and is disturbing some residents. To get said giant human turd photographed and included in the next FSRA newsletter. To pick up dog poo. Pick up litter / take it home and put it in my own bin. Build bridges between the yoof and the nearlry dead. Organise a few alternative g and tea parties. Introduce on the spot fines for dirty cars. Removal of unsightly window ornarments. Maintain my hanging baskets. Make sure my windows are clean. Create a Facebook page. Make sure no one closes the pubs. Protest hard. Wear my combat jacket more often. Listen to more Billy Bragg and Bob Dylan. Buy a gnome. Raise some cash for charity. Stuff like that.