Putting glorious spam in the spotlight

Is Eric Cantona the king of spam?

It’s been a wee wee time since my last post. I’ve been up to stuff. Stuff that means I'm checking my mail like a seagull relentlessly chasing a trawler looking for a tasty tit-bit, and I realized I that I seem to be getting inundated with the old spam.

I’ve come across a whole lotta spam spam glorious spam and it just keeps coming all day and all night long. Without usually giving spam the time of day I tend to just hit the delete button and blast it from the spam folder straight in to eternal spam hell. Hurray, no spam here! I don’t need that Viagra stuff, dating tips, handy advice for the bedroom stuff, another worthless degree, and I really don’t want a cheap Rolex at any price. Well that’s what I thought until I noticed that some of that spam stuff is pure gold. I thought, long and hard, and I started to see the wood for the trees, and realized that I should be putting some of the inglorious spammer bastards sh*t in the spotlight. So I have been collecting (preserving / dry curing etc) some choice cuts of fine spam.

Sure we can live without Mr Spam’s pestilence but lest we forget his/her relentless and occasionally truly creative efforts. Sure enough most of his/her work is worthless junk but you just have to confess that some of that stuff is award winning puerile genius, and some of it is really quite weird, a bit like the idea of cramming a dead pig in to a tin can, and certainly as mad as Eric Cantona.

Anyway below are a few recent unforgettable (subject) lines - the all new hall of fame for spam if you will. I’ll keep this up to date for as long time as I can keep it up or until the spam river runs dry. Thinking about it, Mr and Mrs Spam of Spamalottaville must be having a totally spamtastic time, generally rolling about laughing, writing loads of spam and creating occasional priceless porkers. You’re not exactly up for the Booker Prize but I’m a fan. Write again soon Eric.

Preserved spam: the spam hall of fame

21.08.09 ---> Gain the full control over your drilling machine

22.08.09 ---> In a Sieve we'll go to sea

22.08.09 ---> Get the longest banana

23.08.09 ---> Support your custard launcher

24.08.09 ---> Be a love rhino

24.08.09 ---> Oxford brain-test

25.08.09 ---> He found a crooked sixpence against a crooked stile

26.08.09 ---> Put your cork in every girl that your dream of!

27.08.09 ---> From now you don't need a crane to raise your instrument up

28.08.09 ---> Viagra Soft Tabs

01.09.09 ---> Maniac cut Hefner's balls

02.09.09 ---> Join online massacre

03.09.09 ---> Want 3D-slaves?

04.09.09 ---> And bells, and buttons, and loops, and lace

And I thought the spam river had really run dry... Until --->

02.10.09 ---> Mate like Clinton!

Just nuts: mental brilliant bike tricks and crazy horse ideas

Feeling too sick today from mustard and coffee OD and squash court burns but this put a smile on my sorry face. Check out these mental brilliant bike tricks. Danny MacAskill the mentalist on the bike unsuprisingly says "You don't try to drop off 13ft railings right away, you develop a technique. At a certain height, the landing will be heavy, so you just try to hang on." No shit Sherlock. From Wired.

Ohh and in case you missed it - wizzing past at 110mph - check out the one horse power car ---> thanks to @DeleteLondon / Guardian. Now that's a genuinely stupid idea. Completely riddiculous.

Suddenly there is no need for a normality restore button. OMG and I just saw eight UFO's flying in formation - in the sky.

7 deadly sins #1: Lazy spook cat

By chance on the morning after the night I read the seven deadly sins of blogging and enjoyed the Mashable post about the crasher squirrel I find myself nearly tripping over the lazy spook cat at the top of the stairs. No more babies and animals right. And I promise not to mention the little one's first steps, pushing her new seven pound pink pram from the Early Learning Centre, and the neighbours new squash nosed French bulldog - that would be an unspeakable crime. Please ignore this cute post.

Bad ass creativity: Becks Dicks ad

My entry to the arty Becks bottle design contest that's running online at the mo. I simply put myself in the mind of a child and let the pen do all the work. Sophisticated, yet simple - see above. For a limited time only you can make your own Becks Dick sketch - see below below below. I'm sorry Becks for p****** on your art parade. I hope I win. BTW if you have any clever, young trunk-sure elephants, tail-ented monkeys or talented kids don't forget to enter them in to the worlds first and last International baby and captive animal art contest.

Stolen stupidness: The nut cracker

Pure ball breaking stupidity I had to steal. The nut cracker. Watch out Beadles about. From Pocketlint.

---> UPDATE: It seems the original video above has been removed from YouTube by the owner. I can only imagine that his ball busted friend was a bit cross and took legal action for making him look like such a dunce. So I've replaced it with something else that's totally irrelevant to the original subject, but still fairly stupid. I don't think the guys at Pocketlint can be arsed.

Stolen stupidness: Wot no chop sticks?

Now this is just crazy from Japan. Is this the rise of the machines - Japan's answer to Robo-Cop. Is there a crime fighting Ninja model? Anyway come on its just a mash-up of a road-sweeper and a baggage belt. Rubbish. Wot no chop sticks? The robot that rescues people by eating them - from Wired.

Idea # five: What to do when England get burnt at the Ashes

Idea # 5: Thanks to a timely prompt from monsieur JR Wossy tweet "When/if I die I would like my ashes sprinkled inside the Haunted Mansion in Disneyworld. No hurry though" . I'm reminded of England's bat for glory wash-out vs. Australia last weekend at Headingly and my need for an alternative to shooting myself. So thinking ahead to next weeks doomed 5th Test at the Brit Oval here's a little idea to keep in your back pocket. I s'pose this ones mainly for boys but at least the girls get an excuse to switch over to the tennis, so thanks all round I expect are due.

The recipe for disaster. Boys, pop out to the shops and get yourself a few cheapo tennis balls, a bat (cricket variety), stumps, charcoals, fire lighters, some matches, a crate of VB (Very Bad Aussie beer), a pen and paper - to write down the rules for "Forget the cricket let's play cricket", a fun and easy(ish) game for all the family.

The rules (because all games have them) and I like rules because they are there to be broken.

1. Invite some friends round to watch the cricket and ask them to bring some "snags or shrimps" and some XXXX.
2. Turn off the TV set. Light the "Barbie" utilising the charcoal, lighter fluid or cubes (depending on what Sainsburys have on offer), and some matches - safety of course first so I suggest chucking a genied box from afar.
3. Leave the "barbie" to burn and have a few beers.
4. When the coals are nice n ready chuck on a few "snags".
5. Wait a few minutes and then chuck on your "shrimps".
6. Have a quick beer.
7. Eat up your "bush tucker" - from a plate would be considered polite, with your fingers is just not cricket.
8. Now set up your stumps at the bottom of the garden.
9. Choose someone to bat and someone to bowl, the rest of your mates are fielding
10. The bowler bowls the tennis balls at the batsman - 6 balls and then rotate with one of the fielders. Unless you bowl the batsman out on the 6th ball which in this game means you get a magic ball to bowl at the new batsman coming in (repeat if he's out for a duck with your golden ball).
11. This games all about staying in, so the batsman only scores one point per ball survived - no need for that tiresome running either this way.
12. Batsmen can score a four by knocking a can of XXXX out of someone's hand.
13. Batsmen can score a six by hitting any can of VB - the more you drink the more you'll score - arrange them anyway you like.
14. Anyway that's about it. Play as many innings as you like (weather permitting) and tot up your individual scores to see who's the winner. Maybe get one of the girls to keep score.
15. Hit the fence and you're out, loose the ball by hitting it over the fence and you is out, knock over your own stumps and you-er out, get caught and howzatt you'z oot, catch an edge that lands in the rose bush and you are out.
16. 100 bonus points for slogging the left over hot coals over in to the (preferably Aussie) Neighbours back yard and setting fire to their gazebo, setting fire to his Guinness top hat, melting his thongs, or landing one in the cargo pockets of his ridiculous baggy shorts. Or just keep the Ashes for yourself.

Idea # four: A few ways to resolve a crushed toe situation

Idea # 4: This is just a quickie just for fun. If your girlfriend / mother of your child accidentally crushes her toes with an Eames chair give her some sympathy and offer to rub warm oils in to them because it might hurt. If not you could just send her your best webbed toe wishes right here. So my idea this evening is to come up with a really clever way of protecting BIG toes from getting squished under chair legs. And here are a few simple but inventive solutions: 1) Wear chunky shoes 2) don't sit on chairs 3) get freakin over it 4) the plasters and codine based drugs from the chemist are in the cupboard in the bathroom 5) be more careful 6) you are soft 7) get real that never hurt as much as you made out baby 8) it's OK i have some special stuff for them big toes 9) what can I do for you today 10) what can I do for you now. Either way you're toe-tally buggered. Sleep well violent chairs. Stumped if I can think of any good ideas to fix this almighty conundrum.

Idea # three: Tickedy ticky tick tock look at the clock

Idea # 3: Big Ben click cLock apparently it was 12:34 and 56 seconds on the 07/08/09 today, which is nice. I missed it. It's not exactly as if everyone in the world experienced it at the same time, with GMTV and all that crap anyway, and unless you were sat next to the atomic clock (where is it and how do you get one btw?) was it real time? And what about America? So it got me thinking about other good times. Here's one of mine 66666 genuine miles in my '73 GT6 at 45rpm (OK mph) and with 69 on the re-settable clock. Tickedy boo. Beat that? Another good number (POSSIBLY THE BEST IN THE WORLD) is 55378008 - calculate that and stand on your head - in the corner. I suppose the idea here is just that there's no time like a good time but you are welcome to send me your own clock, speedometer, dial or display snaps and I'll happily tell your timely tale here - any time.

Idea # two: International baby and captive animal art contest

Idea # 2: Inspired by today's painting with little dot (see above). Enter your baby and animal paintings and sculpture in to the first and last ever baby and animal art contest. Entries must be submitted by posting a link here to a photo of your talented child art or clever animal art. Closes 31st December 2009. First prize is a million squirrel hairs. Judges decision is final (that's me). One entry per nipper / animal that must be submitted by a responsible parent / zoo keeper that's over 18 - well that rules out kids from council estates probably. Look forward to your entries. By submitting images you promise not to cheat or steal art from established elephant or monkey art image archives. Get painting. Get set. Go.

Idea # one: Bad bad bad badness - celebrity blog plot

Idea # 1: This one's inspired by the recent death of The King of Pop and soccer legend Sir Bobby Robson. And it got me thinking about which celebs going to kick the bucket next and hit the headlines. It's a bit sick and slightly wrong, the perfect ingredients for a bad idea. Basically this idea is a sweep stake with a difference. It's an online game called "Celebrity tweet stakes" and it's a pretty simple thing. Actually its so simple it's easy.

Here's how it works. Send a tweet to someone on Twitter, me for example (@benferrier) with the your nominated next dead celeb and a special tag "#nextdeadceleb". You can even have some fun and tweet the celebrity too (e.g. @wossy) so they know you've picked them, which I'm sure would be nice. Also then double your fun by adding your predicted method of deadness. Here's an example tweet - "@benferrier my #nextdeadceleb is @wossy run over by a taxi." Or if your soon to be dead celeb isn't on twitter yet (meaning they are probably quite old and you are more likely to win) you can just tweet your entry with their name e.g."@benferrier my #nextdeadceleb is Jonathan Ross - tripped at tailors and broke neck."

So if your nominated #nextdeadceleb celeb goes on to die you'll win 1st prize if you can prove you were the first to tweet the next dead celeb (and if judges decide they like you) and win a booby prize if your tie breaker death method prediction is scarily accurate or particularly funny. And of course you have to promise that you won't kill any celebs deliberately just to win, it's just for fun. Only one entry per person etc. First prize is a spin in my car and the booby prize is £5. Easy. Just to be clear only celebrities that die and make it on to the BBC news or cover of Hello count - no B listers here. Ends when all the celebs are dead or when my parents adopt twitter. Whatever you do don't ask me why but go on tweet your #nextdeadceleb today.

Genuinely stupid ideas - Ben Ferrier blog

Recycling, philanthropy, sharing and swapping are very much in vogue right now. I've been thinking, dangerously, that if I give away my ideas they might be interesting or even useful to someone else. What if I give away a few genuinely good (or valuable) ideas? I'll just run that risk, it will be interesting to see see what happens. Ideas is ideas, they may not be original and possibly bad, they are free and I can always have some more. Either way they will pass and you're welcome to them. I have plenty of them. My first idea is to give away some ideas and see what happens. Watch this (currently vacuous) space...