Idea # five: What to do when England get burnt at the Ashes

Idea # 5: Thanks to a timely prompt from monsieur JR Wossy tweet "When/if I die I would like my ashes sprinkled inside the Haunted Mansion in Disneyworld. No hurry though" . I'm reminded of England's bat for glory wash-out vs. Australia last weekend at Headingly and my need for an alternative to shooting myself. So thinking ahead to next weeks doomed 5th Test at the Brit Oval here's a little idea to keep in your back pocket. I s'pose this ones mainly for boys but at least the girls get an excuse to switch over to the tennis, so thanks all round I expect are due.

The recipe for disaster. Boys, pop out to the shops and get yourself a few cheapo tennis balls, a bat (cricket variety), stumps, charcoals, fire lighters, some matches, a crate of VB (Very Bad Aussie beer), a pen and paper - to write down the rules for "Forget the cricket let's play cricket", a fun and easy(ish) game for all the family.

The rules (because all games have them) and I like rules because they are there to be broken.

1. Invite some friends round to watch the cricket and ask them to bring some "snags or shrimps" and some XXXX.
2. Turn off the TV set. Light the "Barbie" utilising the charcoal, lighter fluid or cubes (depending on what Sainsburys have on offer), and some matches - safety of course first so I suggest chucking a genied box from afar.
3. Leave the "barbie" to burn and have a few beers.
4. When the coals are nice n ready chuck on a few "snags".
5. Wait a few minutes and then chuck on your "shrimps".
6. Have a quick beer.
7. Eat up your "bush tucker" - from a plate would be considered polite, with your fingers is just not cricket.
8. Now set up your stumps at the bottom of the garden.
9. Choose someone to bat and someone to bowl, the rest of your mates are fielding
10. The bowler bowls the tennis balls at the batsman - 6 balls and then rotate with one of the fielders. Unless you bowl the batsman out on the 6th ball which in this game means you get a magic ball to bowl at the new batsman coming in (repeat if he's out for a duck with your golden ball).
11. This games all about staying in, so the batsman only scores one point per ball survived - no need for that tiresome running either this way.
12. Batsmen can score a four by knocking a can of XXXX out of someone's hand.
13. Batsmen can score a six by hitting any can of VB - the more you drink the more you'll score - arrange them anyway you like.
14. Anyway that's about it. Play as many innings as you like (weather permitting) and tot up your individual scores to see who's the winner. Maybe get one of the girls to keep score.
15. Hit the fence and you're out, loose the ball by hitting it over the fence and you is out, knock over your own stumps and you-er out, get caught and howzatt you'z oot, catch an edge that lands in the rose bush and you are out.
16. 100 bonus points for slogging the left over hot coals over in to the (preferably Aussie) Neighbours back yard and setting fire to their gazebo, setting fire to his Guinness top hat, melting his thongs, or landing one in the cargo pockets of his ridiculous baggy shorts. Or just keep the Ashes for yourself.