Thought I'd write a quick round up to finish off a rather splendid June. But I needed to drop the kids at the pool on the way here and the gf called and now its the 1st July. Ohh well. Anyway so look at me. Got a new job. It's a bit crooked. I've not updated my LinkedIn profile yet but if you've been following my social media shizzle elsewhere you may have a clue. Maybe not. First person that can guess what I'm up to nowadays will win a years supply of paperclips / a pair of sneakers / a punch in the mouth. Have a wicked July retards. Ohh watch out for the wedding of the year photos after the weekend. Ohh and well done to my bro Andy for having a boy. Must post that card. Not even the slightest mention about missing Le Mans this year. Was great to catch up with old boy Nick and his new kid tho. Must go see my bro's new kid this month. Can't remember either of their names. Moving on. Catch yall l8r - so juvenile - street wize. OMG it is actually still June. Look at me. Living on French time still.
Ever checked out LINGsCARS.com? Nope? Well you should. Here's just one magnificently flashy, bold, daring, outrageous, blingworthy, colorful, shocking, yukky, glow-in-the-dark reason why you should. Check out Lings dummy / beta / test form. Take it for a test drive dummy. Sunglasses are recommended. This is without question my s*ite of the day. Here it is in it's full technicolour glory.
My old mate digger is going to see Battles in Amsterdam tomorrow night. Wish I could be there. Check this out. Great flashy video. I'll have to make do with the double Gloss Drop 12.
Bonjour mon amis. Just back from a week getting rained on in the south of France. Lovely trip. Great time was had. Here a few of les random absracticus photos I can share without editorial sign off from le girlfriend. Merci.
Thanks to my kind friend David Van Win for his less than kind words about my new shoes.
Oops. Last minute decision to buy a new pair of shoes for a special occasion - see above for result. When you need em before 8am next day your online casual sneaker options are limited. And if you live in St Albans your high street options are even more limited. Sure you could jump on a train to the big cheese in just twenty five minutes, but for a pair of sneakers it would be massively cost & carbon inefficient. I was in London on Saturday but I was sort of busy helping out at the Independent Label Market. Vinyl rules.
So today - with budget, the environment and speed in mind I nipped in to St Albans town center [fashion hell zone] in my filthy size? ten cons. First off Orifice to check their limited range, then to Sole to check their range that has not changed for 3 years. Then to the pimp my hoodie and pimp my denim stores - but that was a mistake. No shoe joy to boot. Final desperation resort... TK Maxx. No shame. Desperation called and conquered. Picked up the above tartan Superdry super shoes for a snip at less than £15. Bargain. Got home. Posted a litte photo to celebrate my Scottish heritage homage / tightness on Facebook. Within 5 seconds an old friend with a terrible taste in music called baby face David Van Win pipes-up with "id sooner lose my feet in a car crash..." - THANKS BABY DAVE.
These are the shoes I would have ordered online if I had time... A pair of Pointer Taylor's in WOLF from Crooked Tongues. "Wolf" is a cool name for a colour. Full stop. Hope you like these babies David?
Please don't laugh at my tartan shoes. I like them.
So you like shoes? Check this howlingly cool site out then: www.sneakerpedia.com.
No shit Sherlock. For real. Etc. I've just been elected as a committee member of the Fishpool Street Residents Association - the FSRA - which sounds quite scary. I've loving re-named the coffin dodgers club the Fishpool Street R****** Association already. The FSRA and its curtain twitching members are all too easily abused - as will be my new found special powers. For real they really are a passionate bunch of do-gooding clever old so and so-s. Obviously I'll fit right in. How did this madness happen? I was nominated and subsequently elected for my great work in the community of course. Possibly to curb by breakaway activity for example the various loud n late illegal parties I've organised at the pub, the massively successful Fishpool Street Royal Wedding Street Party, the Half Pint Club for parents and kids [Friday nights and Sunday afternoons at the LRL], formation of a risotto club, my fag-in-hand doorstep street watch [AKA crime prevention] as a stay at home unemployed dad, my popularity with the young folk and the working class, the fact that I'm already the Major of the street / the LRL / the curry house / the Inn on the Park on Foursquare, my community mouse catching skills, etc. They're just jealous and want to be as popular with the kids as I am. If you can't beat em, elect em, is probably what they were thinking. Nuff said. Nearly.
Naturally I can't speak about the initiation ceremony and secrects that were shared with me at the AGM meeting I attended last Friday night. Friday the 13th. A coincidence? I don't think so. Freaky dancing that's all I'm sayin. Very Masonic. I know what you're thinking. Friday night! Pub night! The agenda has to change already. I'll be pitching my own alternative vote for non pub night meeting clashes at the next meeting - that will probably be on a pub night.
Anyway. I'll leave the old dears to continue the genuinely amazing work they are doing to maintain the fabric of our big society and the charming appeal of our wonderful street. My aims are simple. Consider me a mole steering the machine from the inside. My policies are pub and party centric. Not geriatric. Jesus they spent five minutes harping on about the fact that the treasurers accounts were out by a mysterious 54 pee. And later on about the psychology of litter bins - you know bins attract litter etc.
My challenges are: Pick up the giant human turd down the street that is a hideous horrifying blight that has been there for several weeks now and is disturbing some residents. To get said giant human turd photographed and included in the next FSRA newsletter. To pick up dog poo. Pick up litter / take it home and put it in my own bin. Build bridges between the yoof and the nearlry dead. Organise a few alternative g and tea parties. Introduce on the spot fines for dirty cars. Removal of unsightly window ornarments. Maintain my hanging baskets. Make sure my windows are clean. Create a Facebook page. Make sure no one closes the pubs. Protest hard. Wear my combat jacket more often. Listen to more Billy Bragg and Bob Dylan. Buy a gnome. Raise some cash for charity. Stuff like that.
Afternoon campers. Here I am trying to do something for the good of mankind and I've bummed out. Like selling my minty gt6.
Today when the child passed out on the couch I thought I'd create a JustGiving page. Initial set up was easy peasy. But then I found adding a photo was bugging out and the theme I selected [from a very limited choice] is not showing on my page. Bummer. I tweeted @JustGiving about thirty minutes ago and I'm mortified they haven't got back to me. Bitchin.
Anyway here is my do-gooder page [see mess above] it looks crap right now and I've raised no cash at all for the MS Society [my chosen charity] so far.
Doubtless this will all be resolved soon and I'll feel more charitable when this disaster sorts itself out. You can probably donate but I won't be happy till my page looks smart. Downloaded the JG Android app too so if you do donate I'll be first to know - after you. The first person to donate can have a free hug.
UPDATE: Ok so JG got back to me on Twitter an hourish later with "@benferrier please check that photos are below 640x480pixels or email to help@justgiving.com and we can upload for you #JGhelp". To which I replied "@JustGiving the website said photos should be under 4MB?" - see screen shot here from add photo page. Now unless I'm drunk on tea 640x480pixels is TINY - so why the heck does the page say 4MB ehh.. Where does it say 640x480pixels? And how many average folk can crop down an image to a specific pixel size ehh? We'll get to the bottom of this. I really want to start getting some giving action going.
UPDATE: All mysteriously sorted. Although the Facebook app is a bit rubbish. And the theme issue seems to be randomly reccuring. Ohh well who gives a grand. Give some.
Just failed to sell my minty Triumph GT6 on eBay today. Nevermind kids. It's been massive fun despite now being totally broke. Even loosing has it's flip side - erm winning. In many ways it's been a big triumph for me. Even if I'm not laughing my way to the Leeds. I'm not going to go in to the detail now tho because I'm pooped. This is just a super dooper quick post to say what the heck, I'll be back, like Kim Jong Il with a new better than ever evil bra sniffing plan in the next 24 hours or so.
Quick thanks to some super fine folk in the Twitterverse before I go to bed and think about what I've done today / over the last two weeks. Cheers to: @webuyanycar, LINGsCARS, @perfectionvalet, @macchinaclub, the Wilson brothers - brother A and brother B to name just a few - there are countless more. More shall be revealed in due-course but for now it's a rap.
Have you ever searched for a gnome online? Not I. Not until today that is. A friend just posted a question on Facebook, he was asking if anyone knows where to buy a gnome. My instant reaction was "Gnomebase" - quite a few people "liked" that.
Anyway. So I went on my search for a gnome online. It's not as easy as you'd think to find the gnome you have in mind. You know the classic garden gnome. They're all plastic and novelty gnomes. Try scrolling thro 33 pages of gnomes on eBay and you'll see what I mean. The world has gone mad - GOOD QUALITY TRADITIONAL GARDEN GNOMES ARE NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE TO FIND - it's like trying to find Osama Bin Laden in a haystack.
You can incidentally buy Gnome / Elf kits very cheaply for just a few pounds or less and these would make you look as much like OBL as you would look like a gnome or an elf or even one of snow whites seven dwarfs, even a smurf with a bit of blue face paint.
The long and the short of it is that if you're looking for the ideal Fathers Day gift don't bother with a gnome. Get yourself down to eBay before 3pm on Monday 9th May and snap yourself up my lovely vintage 1973 Triumph GT6 mk3. Not a plastic facsimile / pastiche of an original classic but the real sapphire blue real deal. It really is one of a kind. Happy shopping.
It's breaking my heart to write this post already and I've only just started. It's a tear jerker. I was made redundant from my last job late last year. I've been a full time dad for the past nearly five months, looking after my delightful little three year old Dotty and trying to give the lovely other-half time to get out there and set up her own trend research business - that appears to be going quite well.
Unfortunately being a full time pop doesn't pay the bills and I don't get paid for tidying up and putting away, doing the dishes, fixing up the garden or popping over the road to the Lower Red Lion for a cheeky pint of JHB (a rather fine Oakham Ale). Apparently I have to pay my way or face the music. That means helping out towards the mortgage, paying the bills, paying back the OD and credit cards, paying for a bit of childcare here and there, paying back the loan on the family car, bag after bag after bag of rocket salad, coffee, peanut butter and balsamic vinegar etc. Jobseekers allowance doesn't go very far. I have to get a job. Full stop.
In the short term I'm faced with the horrible reality that I have to sell my one true love, my pride and joy, my great escape, my baby - the Triumph GT6 Mk3 that I've held on to like a gecko to a wall for far too long (in the other-half's mad and unreasonable mind anyway). Farewell my love. Sniff sniff.
Here she goes... The old child to feed / can't stick a child seat in a vintage 2 seat coupe and whizz off on a family holiday with half a ton of rocket salad story. I'm not going to give the car away tho - there's a premium associated with my loss.
Firstly I need to keep the wolf from the door AKA drop some coins in the family purse and get the GF off my back - maybe paving the way for this years Le Mans trip (on foot if I have to) that is under threat too.
Secondly, whilst I'm at it I'd like to try and raise some extra cash to give to the Multiple Sclerosis Society in lieu of chickening out of the London Marathon charity run this year. Come on there's only one way to travel and it's not on all fours (how I would have finished the final 25.5 miles). P.S. My mum has MS - it's not just a totally random cause. Once I've sold my baby I may have to borrow her hot electric wheels tho!
Thirdly, as a jobseeker looking for work in the digital marketing area I may as well do something totally daft to grab some potential employers attention for a split second by making a big to medium even moderate splash across the interweb. Here's my LinkedIn page if that's you.
So to quickly restate my objectives:
Sell my car and make some quick n dirty cash to save my bacon
Make money for charity
Get a job faster than a speeding GT6
Tell me about that incredible 1973 Triumph GT6 Mk 3!
The technical stuff:
Triumph GT6 mk3 in stunning Sapphire Blue
2 Litre straight six engine - yes six cylinders!
Goes like a "scared cat"
Overdrive gearbox - drops in & out sweetly / in 3rd and 4th as is normal
K&N filters / Stromberg Carbs - all clean and mean
Twin pipes
Rock solid chassis - and tidy underneath
Four minilite alloy wheels / steel spare in the boot
Clean & shiny and tidy - in and out
About 70,000 on the clock - it's in the garage / I can't remember exactly
Full box of history - inc. original owners manual and MOT certificates
Fully restored seven years - have photos etc
A1+ / £9,500 agreed value by Triumph Sports Six Club in 2007
Once owned by someone called Benjamin Dominic Jolly - comedy coincidence
Kept in garage over recent arctic winter
Taxed till end of August
MOT to end of July
The usual box of various bits and bobs
Reserve price £7,000 + (including a charity donation)
+++ THE EBAY AUCTION STARTS AT 3PM ON FRIDAY 29TH APRIL +++ WATCH THIS SPACE / HERE YOU GO +++
More car history...
Dreams are made of cars like these. Check out the full res pictures of my baby on Flickr. You may have seen my baby on Google Street View - car thieves please note that it's currently securely parked up in a secret location (in a nice dry garage) and there are no tools kept in the back overnight anyway. It's also As seen on JY Classics - scroll down the page to see what monsieur John Yarnell, the Triumph boffin who sold me the car in the first place had the cheek to say in his customer's car gallery.
Actually below is a carbon copy of what trusty KY had to say about my car on his web 2.0 litre cars for sale page before I purchased it in part exchange for my rusty Triumph Spitfire. Bloody hell you should see what he said about the old spit - the cheeky b******d.
Word for word copy of John's original ad...
GT6 MK3 1973
Restored in 2003 (photos included) and looking stunning in sapphire blue with shadow blue interior on minilite alloy wheels, I have to confess to a short delay in advertising it as I've been borrowing it myself!
Excellent, powder coated chassis and good panel gaps all round. Sills and floor are as you would expect, perfect and no rust on the car to keep you awake at night.
Overdrive gearbox, Kenwood radio cassette with electric ariel, K&N air filters, stainless steel exhaust, immobilizer, woodrim steering wheel.
Now for the really good bit... 49,000 miles from new (no, not a misprint, forty nine thousand!) with history and every single MOT certificate to prove it. We've just checked with Carol Vorderman and she makes that an average of about 28 miles a week since 1973!
Keep it in this condition you won't loose a penny.
Even more car history...
Since buying the car in 2007 the blue goddess has been lovingly fully serviced by John every year. I've put on about 20,000 (yes Twenty thousand real miles!) and I even snapped it on the M25 reaching 66,666 miles. New horns - toot toot. The interior has been tidied up with new door cards, new glove box, and mounting for the stereo which has been updated to a Sony CD player / Face off thing that can take an aux IPod jack thingy. The front screen rubber and trim has been replaced. It's had a new head and new overdrive gearbox fitted surgically, again by John. The passenger side rear wing, rear bumper and back plate have been replaced again lovingly by John at a cost of something like £5,000 to the very good insurance company of the driver that bumped the backend whilst it was parked outside my house - perfect job. Just about every part stuck on to the engine has been replaced or upgraded including new high torque starter motor, new alternator, new electronic ignition - fitted in the distributor cap, new HT leads, new and bigger radiator, new shiny wheel nuts all round, etc etc. Stupid stainless steel bullet like wing mirrors have been replaced with more functional rectangular version. In the last few months I've completely stripped and serviced the carbs with a complete refurb kit from Rimmer Brothers - including new o-rings, gaskets, spindles, needles, with tweaking and balancing (OK it wasn't me. I used a proper mechanic known locally for his Stephen Hawkins like knowledge of these complex and mind boggling things - not called John - called Steve - a local mechanic without a fancy website). The bonnet has been tidied up by Steve and re-sprayed recently to remove a small but annoying dent in the bulge, a few stone chips and stress wear on the weak points where the bonnet flexes when raised. It's running like clockwork and sounds incredible. To quote the chap I referred to as a Hawkins "It goes like a scared cat".
Confessions: Very minor amount of surface rust under floor mats. Some minor paint lifting and chips that have all been touched up. Metalwork solid throughout though. Small area of paint discolouration on passenger side of boot that could do with dusting over. Small 1p size chip in top of passenger side windscreen - has not moved in 2 years and does not affect MOT.
The Triumph Sports Six Club (TSSC) valued my baby at £9,500 for insurance and rated it A1+ in 2007. Unfortunately the valuation and condition is non transferable but all you need to do is send in a few snaps and a description for your own valuation. You need to be a member of the TSCC to get a valuation for insurance. Membership costs around £40 a year and you get a sit-on-the-bog worthy monthly member's magazine too. Annual insurance with Footman James costs less than £200. Tax is about the same.
Considering the insane minty condition and fact that these babies are as rare as hens teeth I'd like to put £7,000 back in to the family coffers in compensation for you driving away in my dream boat car. In my mind you may as well be running off with my girlfriend. I'll be posting the car on eBay shortly - watch this space - and don't forget the charity bit - see below / it's important!
Owning a car like this costs about a million pounds a year to keep on the road so if you have that kind of cash knocking about you've probably got more money than brains / you are incredibly successful and very kind / or you have a very understanding girlfriend - one of the above anyway. Either way you can spare a little bit extra for a good cause too!
I'll be selling the car on eBay. I'm confident that I'll get the £7,000 which will be set as the reserve for my car but I want the car to go to a good home where it will be loved. Talking about love, I want to do something for my mum and people like her with Multiple Sclerosis too. I'll keep the £7,000 reserve price for the car in order to carry on living myself and every half penny above the reserve price will be given to the MS Society when I have received payment from the buyer / handed over the keys.
I'll accept bids on eBay (I will add a link here). Get in touch if you have any questions! Obviously the car goes to the highest bidder.
+++ THE EBAY AUCTION STARTS AT 3PM ON FRIDAY 29TH APRIL +++ WATCH THIS SPACE / BID NOW +++
Want to see my Triumph GT6 in the flesh and hear it roar?
See my baby stealing the show at the Royal Wedding Street Party that I'm organizing at the Lower Red Lion pub in St Albans on the 29th April. The car will be parked in the car park. Burgers and beverages will be available.
If you have any questions please Tweet me @benferrier with the hashtag #buybensgt6, or leave a comment right here on my blog. If you'd like a private viewing please feel free to contact me by email - I'm sure I can do that too.
Just the job
Marketing jobs! Yes please. Contact me straight away so I don't have to sell my lovely car! If you give me a job that starts first time before the auction ends I'll donate half of my first month's salary to the MS Society - and keep the car.
Further to my recent "whats in my sink dot com" idea that was taken to the cleaners by someone I shall refer to only as "G" to protect his/her identity. Herewith find below a new idea called "what can I quickly cobble together in response to being stabbed in the back dot com" or "eat my shorts dot com". Possibly even "handbags at dawn dot com".
Thinking about how stupidly easy it is to create a stupid idea for the first time in a short while I thought I'd share this ridiculous idea for a new website called "whatsinmysink.com" based entirely on the fabulous website called what's in my pocket dot com AKA "Everydaycarry.com" that I'd nearly forgotten about but I was reminded about five minutes ago on Facebook by my old IT Jedi master. I'm genuinely sink to death of washing up the same old stuff every day:p Would it not be far more interesting to wash up some other suckers dirty stuff?
What's in your dirty sink then?
Further to the above idea I'd also like to register my intent to set up the geo-location service called "We do any washing up dot com", "We buy your washing up dot com" and "I'll do your washing up dot com".
P.S. Further to the above again I'd just like to remind you of an old proverb that someone like Guy Kawaski [you know the one on Twitter.com] would probably post - along the lines of - "It's not what is your dirty sink that is the ball-ache. It's the mountain of filth on your IKEA worktop next to your sink that needs washing up that is the big problem." ~Disherwasherupicus
I had a fat free pass and caught some Dirtburg at the Queens Head in Stockwell on Saturday. Woooooo. Get some crotch level video action from the beastly night below - featuring three sweaty MC's and one DJ [beasti-like] with a side order of dirty drum-n-bass sticks and utterly filthy scratchy guitar. Dig more dirt on Facebook here or watch more dirty dirtburger action at the Monarch in Camden there. P.S. As Ringo from the band just pointed out the sound is shite on these recordings but was honestly crisp on the night. Finger on the mic? Probably. P.P.S. Apparently if you could actually make out what they were saying it would give you a hernia anyway.
This is what I expect would happen if I pop out for a beer with the chaps whilst you finish cooking the Risotto. P.S. Like risotto? Join my risotto cooking Facebook group if you have nothing better to do tonight.
Chineese Clown Shooting on Oxford Circus Investigated
About an hour and a bit ago I read a tweet saying there was a shooter on the rampage in Oxford Circus. Ahh / Ohh dear I thought. Really. Checked Sky News on Twittter. Nothing. Thought nothing of it. Five minutes after that another similar panicky tweet from someone else. Said to the girlfriend "Apparently there's been a shooting on Oxford Street". "Oh" she said and tottered off to the shops. Checked the BBC. Nowt. Thought this has twitter prank written all over it. Five minutes after that saw the this fantastic timeline of tweets by some Shoreditch tweep [ok twat] calling himself @abscond. Turns out the shooting was a photo shoot - hilarious.
Since then I've enjoyed the ensuing Chineese Whispers [#chineesetwispers - I coined that btw but like a twat spelt it wrong with two e's according to spell check], the panic, the reveal, secondary rumors and comedy tweets for what quickly became the trending topic of the day - Oxford Circus.
Apparently police are already investigating the incident and source of the rumours - if this is actually true I'm looking forward to the next "#iamspartacus" debacle in the news and @candicecbailey must be sh*tting bricks about now. P.S. I have pre coined the hashtag "#iamcandicecbaileycus" in advance too. Spell check doesnt like that either. The moral... Check your sources and your spelling. Goddamit I spelt "Strike" wrong too - ohh well it rhymes with "Nike" so thats ok. Etc.
Thank you Twitter for making my day.
UPDATE: Now you actually can read about the shooting that never was on Sky News. P.P.S. Sky News I think you'll find I beat you to the #crytwolf point - but good point well made anyway.
SHOPPING IMPACT: The GF got back about five minutes after this post went live and she hasnt mentioned the shooting at all. "Ohh" I'm thinking. All that shopping must be very distracting.
BLOW ME MEDIA MONKEYS: It's on the Guardian Media Monkey now as well. Indeed this shooting incident is indeed a social media case study in the making [like i sort of predicted hours ago].
FOR REAL: In The Evening Standard too. Did police deploy terror counter measures to curb public panic and shoot themselves in the foot? Do I smell a "training exercise" rat? Or is this just a load of fantastic twitter twaddle?
I've been known to post a few fishy tales up here, for example some jibber jabber about a Hirst shark [that I have now found and will sell to the highest bidder btw] or some nonsense about aussies staying afloat in a flood but today lets look at something truly fish-tastic and an excellent example of making the best of social media to amplify a great cause. Sometimes it's well worthwhile trawling-the-web to do some actual good - dude.
Hugh's Fish Fight aired on TV last week and calls for the end of "discarding" AKA wasting dead fish or chucking the tiddlers overboard. It's like as contoversial as water-boarding terrorists - but genuinely lethal to the extremely innocent fish. There is more to it than meets the fish-eye of course. The ultimate aim of the campaign [read all about it on www.fishfight.net] is to lobby the government and other grey suited bore-ocrats to change ludicrous legislation that forces fishermen to discard AKA "waste" fish [like Free Willy, Nemo and Flipper etc] that get pulled up with the catch but that they cannot legally land.
Kurt Cobain was quite right when he said something like "It's ok to fish, cos they don't have any feelings" and I like the fact that this campaign is not about hurting fishes feelings - it's about not wasting the fish and plaice-ing them on your plate.
Anyway, so I felt compelled to sign up after watching the show last week but quite predictably I suppose the .net site had snagged / crashed on the TV popularity rocks and was not available. I found Hugh's fishy Twitter stream and from there found Hugh's fishy Facebook page where I was able to sign up. At the time something like 150,000 odd people had signed up and I saw and update email from Hugh a few days ago to say how stoked he was that he'd reached 300k and that he'd love to shoot for the half-million. Well just 3 days later here we are - power to the people, micro-chips and his celebrity chumps Ramsay St, Oliver and the food-come-scientist Blumingfelloffthementalchart. Pass me some Turkey Twizzlers and break open the tartar sauce Hugh's done it - doubling his target 250k supporters about 5 months ahead of plan! Awesomeness.
On a socail media note "Good catch" chef Fearnley Whittingstall also for the fishy widget [cast your eyes over the tasty fish widget below] for goody two-shoes bloggers to share the f-word further. If you love eating fish hook yourself up with the widget now.
P.S. You are clearly slightly queer if you don't eat the skin / batter - it's the best bit.
Shit mate these fuggers don't work! Breaking news: Famous aussie scientists that have worked on important science projects such as Mad Max, Mad Max 2, Mad Max 3, Mad Max 4, Mad Max 5, Mad Max 6: Max is really angry mate and just ate Bouncer for breakfast, Braveheart, Home and Away, Neighbours, The Flying Doctors, Prisoner Cell Block H, and BMX Bandits have today revealed that the long-time-loved and cherished national life preservation garment - the all-too-well-joked-about and slightly comedic aussie image [similar to that of Sir Alf Ramsay the former manager of Manchester United [in England mate] and the home of Braveheart] - the "cork hat" does not do the job mate, nor does it provide "Freedom".
According to the Aussie experts, the apparel as worn [with pride and confidence] by upto 98% of the population as governed by HRH The Queen of England] until recent shady changes of government policy in the capital "Sydney-upon-Canberra" and the suburbs nearwith etc] is frankly unfit for purpose. Wearing of such garments [including the recently contrived "Jesus Boots" [that allow aussies to take the floods in their strides and with pride] has been herralded in the Ramsay Street Times and Erinsborough News as wholely unsafe.
Suggestions have been made by respected local citizen, and god-like back-from-the-dead star, Sir Harold of the Almighty Bishop that all said cork based hanging hat gear should be tested first by the "Gallah" son of Madge, Henry Ramsay. Testing should be conducted in the pool in the yard of #32 previously owned by ugly-duckling-cum-swan and suspected dauhter of Nell Mangel [old mate of the now retired Helen Robinson], who we all know and love as "Plain Jane the Superbrain" etc [in a swimsuit of course sheila].
Strewth. Mate. Anyway the moral of the story is that unless your cork hat is endorsed offically by Des and Daph's hat / coffee / flowershop shop its going to flop [float upsidedown mate] and whatever you do do not trust it to save your bacon and eggs when failed pop star Stefan Dennis AKA Angry Boy Paul Robinson comes bashing on your porch door and chucks you in the pool - let us not forget his dad [and now more famous than him] Jim took mushrooms in the bush once upon-a-time.
And [albeit incidentally] Toadfish says hi too by the way - I think he turned somehow into Jack Osbourne in the latest episode [#56789], "Ozzy Osbourne just said his son Toadfish turned in to a celebrity, please get me out of here, before Bez and Shaun Ryder from the Happy Mondays come round and kick off with Jim Robinson because he sold them some crap shrooms, and Bez [the UKs original dancing gallah] crashed my quad-bike and turned me in to a cabbage and made me cry". G'day mate.
Anyway the point is that Mike Young [now a Hollywood bit-part-player called "Guy Pearce" in real life who recently starred in movies such as Hurt Locker and some unforgettable others] and Clive Gibbons [you know the one with the ginger hair] both say "test the cork first mate. Some of those froggy corks are just not up to scratch - try some native abbo wine corks mate". We all know of course that the aussies are inherently racist.
Moving on, after this neighbourly debacle perhaps we can have that floating barbie in the pool - wherever mate - it floats and it's self-stocking with shrimps. Why move out of the suburbs like Charlene and Scott when you can barbie in the comfort of your own pool / flood.
Please do "Confide in Me" if you have any Kylie questions or concerns over the accuracy of this well-meaning post about these dangerous aussie cork hats. I should be so lucky.
A quick idea to help save the aussies from the floods and recent ashes bashing. Sponsored unwittingly by Fosters.
Don't worry mate, Jim Robinson or Doc Kennedy will step in to save the day. Charlene and Scott are also on hand somewhere up Brizzy way to help flood stricken neighbours and relo's catch a flight to the safety of ayers rock - a service provided by the alice springs flying doctors service. First one to the top gets a refreshing 6-pack of watery Fosters beer. Grab your surfboards, free beers r up. P.S. Has anyone seen Harold Bishop?
See the photo as big as ayers rock on Twitpic. P.S. That's roughly the size of a Frisco's seal.
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