The mummified mouse in a vintage tortoise trap

Something dead funny for the squeekend

If you follow me on Twitter, Facebook or FriendFeed etc you’ll probably know all about the cunning cat that nobbled my lunch yesterday. Dam that hungry thieving cat. Anyway that got me thinking about the headless mice that the blood-thirsty cats keep bringing in. And I remembered the tail of the emaciated mouse...

This time last year we were raiding the outlaws attic for a vintage pram and vintage pushchair and dusting them down when we stumbled upon a box of musty vintage toys. Don’t ask me about vintage toys, chairs and eBay btw, that’s another long tale for another day. Judging by the droppings and gnawed nature of the fluffy bears in the musty box, most of the stuff had been nibbled by mischievous mice or rats.

Anyway, to cut the grisly tail short, hey presto, we found the mouse, jumped on a vintage Ercol chair, the perpetrator had been literally caught in the act. We estimated via DNA / crime lab testing / guessing etc that this mummified criminal mouse has been trapped in his vintage plastic tortoise tomb about 25 years. Cruel. Priceless. Taking the Mickey Mouse. Vintage. I wonder what he’d fetch on eBay? Should I submit it for Frieze 2010?

Why Frieze is Still Playing David Beckham and Missed a Trick Shot

I just read over on Artinfo.com that sales by young emerging artists were pretty good at the Frieze Art Fair. Which is nice. Hmmm. Reading between the lines of this bacon saving, I'm reading something more along the lines of "Art world struggling to sell stale art but managed to sell a few tit-bits". IMHO [and unless I totally missed something?] the show was not ‘hot’ and properly lacked guts. Where was the X-Factor, the bleeding edge and the genetically modified new blood? With a broad brush I’m saying that irrespective of age or emerging status, the majority of the Frieze fair art was actually bad monkey art grade unimaginative tosh.

Bouncing out of a recession Frieze 2009 was an opportunity to blow people and the cobwebs away, and to try something new. Let’s look at the spin picture another way, with the same devastatingly broad brush, the art world is founded on the principal of the Emperors Clothes, the opinion of a few and sales hype regurgitated and force fed down the throats of the beautiful people by clipboard clutching hawks. Absolutely there was some well executed and cool classical stuff going on at Frieze but blow me it was hard to find in the herds. Frieze is about art for walls [and floors], not art on walls. And sure it's fine to play David to pull the crowds. But moving on, where was the weird, wired and wonderful? And why doesn’t it sell, that’s the problem. The art herd needs a new LED powered sheep dog to lead it, and a new tune to whistle. Frieze you missed a trick, you old [show / sheep] dog.

Read my further Frieze Art Fair rantings ---> Freak Show at the Frieze Art Fair.

Freak Show at the Frieze Art Fair

Giving the art world a pasting!

I’ve been around the art block a few times and consider myself something of an expert in the art of artistic-mess. I’ve been an artist properly and lived on the poverty line and eaten rice with salad cream. I even sold a few bits n bobs, once to the bird who invented the Telly Tubbies and once to the guy who was chairman of the arts council at the time. Damon Albarn’s mum even paid my studio a visit once.

I’ve worked in the art world online for a dot com boom company selling limited edition artist prints. I met some of the big names and even spent a day at the shark mans house. I helped make his Eyestorm exhibition studio installation and was called upon to re-construct it when the cleaner tidied it up, thinking Hirst's window display [see slide 18] was a big mess left over from the exhibition opening night. Comedy. The truth revealed. And that's where and when I got Hirst to sign my own mini Physical Impossibility of Death in the Mind of Someone Living plastic shark art.

Way back in the day I ran around naked with a guy called Alex playing football with a basket ball and other exhibits for goal posts after a boozy private view at the Decima Gallery. And once I got sent home by porn peddler Gavin Griffiths for getting inebriated on opening night cocktails. Think I got a kiss out of Tracy Emin at the Islington Design Centre, but that could be the wine too. I even met Bez from the Happy Mondays and kissed his wife/bird/girlfriend [I was never that sure which one & slight non art tangent].

Once upon a time many moons ago I had a studio in Colchester, then one in Cambridge and then one in gun-toting Dalston. I’ve got my own collection of art that’s probably worth a few bob too, by some of the above and some great artists of my time. I got lucky and got them cheap, because I got what I liked when it was fresh and new. Even Banksy’s first ever commercial rude copper print that I picked up for a song and now it’s worth a small bomb. So in many respects I feel I’m qualified to speak my mind; it works so many different levels etc. My BA honours in Fine Art stands for Bad Attitude [honestly] in Farty Art today.

I paid a whooping sum for a pair of tickets to the Frieze Art Fair in Regents Park and went along today [yesterday now] for what I hoped would be an inspiring day out with the family. Thank f*** I got my tickets 2 for 1. After pumping £6 in to the parking meter too. The best value for money today by far was the £11 for one coffee, a cold drink and 2 sticky buns. Ouch. And WTF is going on art world!

What of the Frieze art then?

Notwithstanding a few classics, like a stunning Gary Hume bird painting, and a couple of hidden gems; namely the chess wall of the world and some amazing David Shrigley prints [a snip at the asking price of four thousand Euros a pop]. The rest of the floor show excited me as much as a trip to IKEA, and I didn’t even come home with an ice cube tray. The most engaging artwork for me was the bins. I was blown away by one rude old art world hag clutching her clipboard who snipped "You wont let her touch it will you" talking about my little girl that was running rings around a painted tree. Bitch. It's a bloody tree painted white.

Now I know Frieze is a commercial show but still please, lighten up, liven up and try and blow me away with some NOISY stuff. Not this same old same old static fireplace tish tosh. In the good words of a good friend [@diggz] that I bumped in to on the day "Where’s all the interactive stuff" or words to that effect. Hasn’t the world of art moved on since I last paid it a visit? Frankly I'd say nearly half of the tish-tosh at FAF falls in to the "I could definitely do better with a paint brush stuck up my ass" category. I’m genuinely saddened to hear the art world is recovering from the recession and people are buying this shit. Wake up you beautifully dressed shoppers, buy something you really love, don’t fall for the white-washed sales pitch.

Before you go be sure to read why I think Frieze is Still Playing David Beckham and Missing a Trick Shot.


A few hidden gems and some tish-tosh...

Are art teachers freaking out the kidz?

Breaking yet another, actually two of the seven deadly sins of blogging, again... Here are a few sketches from today's killer cat drawing session with the nipper, who's learning to recognise shapes and words (eyes, legs, ears etc), to put pen to paper in the right (and wrong - see below) places, and to keep her crayons* within the lines. Posing a few questions I'm not one hundred percent sure I know the right answer to, from a responsible parenting point-of-view at least. *Medium un-specific - note the use of felt tip on paper in these works.

Drawing in the lines vs outside the lines: Is teaching children to draw within the lines stifling creativity, or just a natural process? Nuture vs. Nature etc. Can you force creativity? Should you force it? I'm thinking inside vs. outside-the-line / outside-the-box or wild-sky-thinking ---> whatever the latest buzz word is. It's all just a big bunch of stinking cods-wallop anyway. I'm sitting on the wall, with my spray can at the ready and just letting this creative river flow baby.

I'm loving the slightly in and slightly out the line thinking in these sketches, and her interpretation of the subject matter works on so many different levels. The best part is when her drawing extends off-the-canvas on to her hands, face, legs, clothes, me, my hands, my arms and my clothes. Is this an early sign of my child understanding the concept of trompe-l'œil? Is she the next (she) Banksy, or should she/I be locked away with the Prinzhorn Collection?

Freaking out the kidz: I just can't help but sketch outlines of freaky scary killer animals for the litte-un to fill in/out. Is she actually trying to scribble the scary monsters out of existence, or is she just following nature innocently? Parenting is all about protecting innocent minds? Well I'm not so sure and anyway what harm can it possibly do. Compared to the above line dancing issue, it's by far the lesser of two very evil cats and surely the toughest cat gets the cream.

Are these drawings or my approach to teaching art worrying you? I welcome the opinion of a qualified child art critic or a psychiatrist. Right she's woken up from her afternoon nap. Time to go throw bread at the ducks and stamp on mole hills in the park.

Holding Hirst's pencils to ransom

Love this art crime story from 100Artworks. Funny, crazy and a bit mental. I've actually gotta lotta respect for Mr Hirst and his own bottle... Long story. You just have to admire this street kids cheek though. The fullish story below as reported by 100Artworks today.

And read on if you want to buy a plastic fish by the shark fin soup man himself. ---> No kidding a real Damien Hirst shark for sale.

Cartrain has Stolen Damien Hirst's Pencils Theft or Ransom?

16 year old graffiti artist Cartrain walked into the Tate Britain (London) and removed a packet of pencils from one of Damien Hirst exhibits. Damien Hirst and Cartrain have a long-standing rocky history. Earlier this year Hirst targeted the young graffiti artist Cartrain using Design and Artists Copyright Society (DACS) for breach of copyright infringement on his latest series of artworks being sold via 100artworks.com.

The box of very rare "FABER CASTELL dated 1990 Mongol 482 series" pencils were removed from Damien Hirst's "PHARMACY installation" by Cartrain on Thursday the 2nd of July around 4pm. Not long after the pencils were removed from the installation a fake police 'appeal for assistance' posters appeared all around London.

This is the latest in a string of events surrounding the feud between the two artists. It began when Damien Hirst contracted the Design and Artists Copyright Society (DACS) to send a string of legal letters to Cartrain's art dealer Tom Cuthbert at 100artworks.com in regards to Cartrain's series of artworks 'For the Love of God'. The online gallery surrendered the artworks to Damien Hirst with a verbal apology. The legal grounds in which Hirst requested the artworks are very questionable and the story spread across the Internet like wild fire. The Independent, The Times, The Telegraph, The Guardian, The Daily Mail, Popbitch and many other online blogs reported it.

The urban art communities are currently heavily debating the actions of Cartrain and what his next steps will be. Is this a random act of vandalism or a calculated guerilla art stunt? Only time will tell.

Cartrain's Demands...

For the safe return of Damien Hirst's pencils I would like my artworks back that DACS and Hirst took off me in November. It’s not a large demand. He can have his pencils back when I get my artworks back. DACS are now not taking any notice of my emails and I have asked nicely more than five times to try and resolve this matter. Hirst has until the end of this month to resolve this or on 31st of July the pencils will be sharpened. He has been warned.


---> More on this art crime story. And don't forget to enter your own childish art in to my very own international talented street urchin and streetwise elephant art competition.

P.S. Real plastic hirst shark for sale

Let me know if you want to buy a unique completely authenticated 100% real plastic shark signed by the shark man himself. Like I said, a long story. Serious bids starting in the region of £150,0000 considered. Leave yer bids below. I just can't be arsed to stick it on Ebay.

7 deadly sins #1: Lazy spook cat

By chance on the morning after the night I read the seven deadly sins of blogging and enjoyed the Mashable post about the crasher squirrel I find myself nearly tripping over the lazy spook cat at the top of the stairs. No more babies and animals right. And I promise not to mention the little one's first steps, pushing her new seven pound pink pram from the Early Learning Centre, and the neighbours new squash nosed French bulldog - that would be an unspeakable crime. Please ignore this cute post.

Bad ass creativity: Becks Dicks ad

My entry to the arty Becks bottle design contest that's running online at the mo. I simply put myself in the mind of a child and let the pen do all the work. Sophisticated, yet simple - see above. For a limited time only you can make your own Becks Dick sketch - see below below below. I'm sorry Becks for p****** on your art parade. I hope I win. BTW if you have any clever, young trunk-sure elephants, tail-ented monkeys or talented kids don't forget to enter them in to the worlds first and last International baby and captive animal art contest.

Idea # two: International baby and captive animal art contest

Idea # 2: Inspired by today's painting with little dot (see above). Enter your baby and animal paintings and sculpture in to the first and last ever baby and animal art contest. Entries must be submitted by posting a link here to a photo of your talented child art or clever animal art. Closes 31st December 2009. First prize is a million squirrel hairs. Judges decision is final (that's me). One entry per nipper / animal that must be submitted by a responsible parent / zoo keeper that's over 18 - well that rules out kids from council estates probably. Look forward to your entries. By submitting images you promise not to cheat or steal art from established elephant or monkey art image archives. Get painting. Get set. Go.